October 9, 2016

a few scattered thoughts...

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There are a few things I miss. I miss taking photos and having time to sit on the computer, tinkering around with edits and cropping until I felt like an image was just as I meant it to be. I miss when going to bed at night meant sleep, rest, peace. I miss being able to just sit and do nothing without my mind telling me I should be doing something (because there are always so many somethings to do). I miss when I was a little girl, and there was always someone to take care of me and to know my every need. I miss going to the library without chasing a toddler through the aisles or telling my five year old that no matter how many times she asks, we are not getting graphic novels that are meant for middle schoolers, so stop adding them to our stack of books and acting surprised when I say no. I miss running. I miss when my husband and I were young, falling in love and completely and entirely ridiculous. I miss putting my thoughts down in writing on an almost daily basis.

Still, missing these things doesn't mean I'd change a thing about my life right now. Which is odd, or maybe not.

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I think a lot about my desire to live simply. This past week was a rough one, with my husband out of town for an entire week and one or both kids sick for at least half of those days. We were faced with a bit of cabin fever, to say the least, and this weekend I did what I tend to do when I need to feel more at peace: I decluttered and organized. A while ago, I listened to The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up on audiobook, and I'd been meaning to use some of the author's principals when going through our apartment. Because the dream is still to buy a place of our own as soon as we find something that feels just right (and magically fits our budget), cleaning and decluttering in anticipation of a possible move is always on my mind. I finally went through all my clothes and a couple closets. I went through the girls' toys. I ended up with six bags of items to donate, which is always such a bizarre experience.

How do I always have so much that we don't use or need? I tend to do this a couple times a year, and every time I'm amazed by how much I can easily say goodbye to. We aren't over-buyers, so I don't even know how it happens. But when it comes down to it, I really want to dedicate myself to less, less, less. I always feel freer after decluttering and organizing. I always feel a physical relief when we have less.

When it comes to the girls, Cora is too young to notice anything is gone, and I've always encouraged Eisley to be involved with donating clothes or toys she no longer has a need for. Because I've always involved her, perhaps it has made it easier for her to accept when things are no longer there. Often times, she'll be the one to tell me she'd like to donate something so another child can play with it. And wouldn't you know, since I did this most recent clean-up, she's been playing with several toys that she had seemingly forgotten all about. Her dollhouse, her favorite baby doll, a collection of Polly Pockets. It's like they're all new again, now that she isn't overwhelmed with too many options of things to play with.

Our culture tries to make us feel bad for having less, but I'm constantly reminded of how much I thrive (and our children thrive) when we aren't overwhelmed with stuff.

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When October arrives, I want to bake muffins every single day. I want to read the entire Little House series and watch Felicity and You've Got Mail. I want to eat roasted veggies at every meal—yes, even breakfast. I want to wear boots (even though it's still flip-flop weather) and cardigans (even though the temperatures hit the 90s too many times already this month). I want to be that person who collects leaves from the park and decorates her home with them. I want a cozy front porch to cover with pumpkins, and a friendly, red front door with a beautiful wreath hanging outside. 

This time of year, I miss my childhood home even more than ever. It makes me realize that one of these Octobers, we desperately need to plan a trip "home" so we can be somewhere that truly feels like autumn.

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I'm grateful for many things these days. For the moments when I'm running around with my daughters and we're all laughing and it feels just perfect. For the times when married life surprises me in the best way, even ten years in. For the times I look at myself and can honestly say with confidence  that I'm so at peace with the shape of my body—the body that helped bring two sweet babies into the world, the body that has carried me through 32 years of life, the body that has mostly forgiven me for thinking it wasn't perfect enough or thin enough for too many years. For the days I feel like I'm actually doing a pretty good job at this mom thing. For the days I feel so much joy and fulfillment in my life as just a mom.

A little over a year into welcoming my second daughter into our family, our routine is starting to feel less hectic. I still don't sleep well (and my level of joy after sleeping four hours straight without Cora waking me up borders on embarrassing) but I'm doing better at handling it.

And on we go, day after day. It's hard to believe how quickly this year has gone by, and how close we are to beginning yet another.

3 comments :

  1. I love your thoughts and your heart! I always feel like we are traveling such similar roads in many ways. I'm happy you got a chance to sit down and write, and I'm thinking of you today. <3

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  2. I love reading your scattered thoughts. I can relate to many.

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