April 4, 2016

life, lately...

life, lately | yourwishcake.com
It's been a couple months now since Jay was laid off, and we may have finally found some version of a new "normal" for our day-to-day life. Well, sort of. It feels both like it's been forever and that it was just yesterday when I received that call. It's been odd, being in this in-between place…not sure when or how something new would come long. Or where we'd end up. To move, or not to move? To seek out an entirely different career path, or something familiar?

I'm not sure what I expected it to be like, having all four of us at home nearly every day. It's been both a huge blessing and a huge challenge, to be completely honest. I had a borderline meltdown a few days in, seeing us all immediately melting into vacation-mode. I definitely began to panic over the loss of my daily routines. I'm such a routine person—it's now I thrive, it's how I'm able to actually get things done each day, it's how I manage to feel centered and productive and all of that. It was hard at first (and remains so, many days) to have to have a different daily routine—or, more accurately, an anti-routine, considering every day tends to vary significantly at this point.

I know that Eisley works best with a familiar routine, as well, and throwing a wrench into that has sent her into a bit of an emotional tailspin. Things have been a little crazy around here, parenting-wise, to put it lightly. I have to remind myself that our situation is temporary, and once we get back into the swing of things, hopefully we will be faced with less defiance and meltdowns. We haven't had to deal with these things regularly since after we made the big move from the duplex to our new apartment. It has been a difficult parenting season, but it has also been a good reminder for me that Jay and I are very united when it comes to things like this. When I'm at my wit's end, I can tag him to jump into the fray. (And, goodness, is he a patient man.)

Another thing I hadn't expected was how difficult it has been for me to have very little time to myself. Even with the two kids keeping me busy all day, with my regular daily routine there would be at least one point every single day when I'd be able to relish in the tidiness—and, more importantly, in the silence. That's not to say that my husband is noisy (unless you count the snoring…) but having an extra person at home all day just takes some getting used to. I guess I just didn't realize until now just how energizing time alone is for me. Even when it is filled with chores and isn't even necessarily "me time". (More and more, I'm able to pinpoint the exact things I require as an introvert.) In addition to that, having some sense of control over my environment for most of the day is a big deal for me. Losing that has made me all discombobulated.

However, it hasn't been all madness and meltdowns. It's been kind of wonderful to have Jay around to really see what life is full of during the day. He's been able to spend so much quality time with the girls, and has been able to be there for all these milestones with Cora that he would have most surely missed out on if he were still gone nearly 12 hours, 5 days a week. And he's been a huge help to me, never complaining when I need to get away and need him to watch one (or both) of the girls. I'm learning to ask him to do things instead of waiting for him to read my mind (because, let's be honest, it hasn't happened after ten years of marriage and I don't really like my odds at this point). It's been nice for him to be able to witness firsthand all I do during these busy days, too…because I think in many ways, until they are around all the time, there's no way someone can understand just how much work goes into caring for two children and keeping a home (or apartment) and shopping and cooking and everything else under the sun.

We've also been able to do a bunch of day trips together, and have played local tourist over and over again during these past weeks together. When will we have the time to do something like this again? It's during those memory-making moments when I do see this situation as the blessing in disguise it truly is.

And now, there seems to be an end in sight. Soon enough, Jay will be taking a new job in a completely new industry—here in Southern California. When he first brought up the job opportunity with me, I immediately burst into tears. All these hopes I'd built up about this being the perfect moment for the big move back to the Northwest…it's like they'd appeared only to be taken away in the same breath. I let myself think this was it. But it wasn't…and it isn't. For now.

For now, for now, for now.

I need to remind myself constantly that there's no knowing what the future holds for us. Jay is actually very excited about the new job—about learning something new. He'll be working with great people. He will go from an hour-long (or more) commute to working minutes away from where we live. And—something to appease my heart—there's a very real possibility that we could still make the move I long for sometime in the next couple years. Once he has established himself in this new industry and has all the certifications necessary for what seems to be a job that is in high demand, there's no reason we wouldn't be able to relocate at some point.

So, I hold onto that hope.

As for now…we are enjoying the last weeks of uninterrupted time together. I'm definitely looking forward to when we can get back into our usual groove, but I know when it does happen I'll miss having Jay here to help out so much. To let me sleep in when I desperately need it, to make dinner, to wrangle one child or another while I'm trying to make a phone call or wash dishes or actually take a shower in peace, to step in and help handle discipline when I'm completely out of steam. This experience has been a challenge to our marriage, but it's been one I think I personally needed. In more ways that I can put into words here.

We'll see what the next several weeks hold! At this point, I know I need to start seriously thinking about what life will look like after Jay returns to work and regular life begins once again. It's time for me to really reevaluate my goals, my daily routines and all of those things. So much to think about in what will surely feel like so little time.

3 comments :

  1. Hurray for Jay! That's so great he got a new job, and hopefully it'll open more doors to lead you guys home one day. Also, I totally understand the need for me-time. That must be hard with such a full house these days. Hope you guys get some quality family time and you get some me-time in there too!

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  2. I'm so happy that Jay found a job, but totally relate to your crying about it. When Mike got his job offer (in a super competitive field! after 5 years of school!), I cried. I felt so selfish! But I just didn't want to have to leave all my friends and family.

    We're both home all summer long together and we developed a work routine to help us keep normalcy. (I work 8-12, then he works 12-4, then flip morning/afternoons and take time off whenever it seems fun) I am ALL ABOUT alone time. Sometimes I'll pop my earbuds in and be like, "cleaning the kitchen alone. peace out leave me alone, love you guysss." Haha.

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  3. Congratulations on Jay's new job - even if that means that you're staying in SoCal a little longer (which is good for me, because maybe we can - one of these days - meet up, maybe when Tina is there later this summer. Maybe?? <3)

    The future is definitely a bag full of surprises... but it also means that you'll never know what's going to happen and maybe you'll find your way back to the PNW sooner than you think :)

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