January 5, 2015

finding out...

On the morning of November 10th, I took a pregnancy test. It was one of those cheap, dollar-store things—mostly because I was tired of spending so much money on regular tests, many of which I had taken over the past year.

Impatiently, I looked at the test after just a couple minutes, and wasn't very surprised when it showed a negative result. I'm sure it's the same way for anyone who has tried to get pregnant for a while…the unbridled optimism of expecting a positive test no longer really exists. Although I didn't feel surprised, I was obviously disappointed and went out of my way to throw away the box in the kitchen, leaving the test on the bathroom sink.

Returning to the bathroom a minute later, I eyed the test once more. And then my heart exploded. There was the faintest line in the history of lines, but it was definitely there. I actually looked at myself in the mirror and whispered, "That's a line. A line."

As I mentioned back in October, we had just reached a year of trying for a second baby, and I ended up hesitantly making an appointment with my doctor to discuss our options. I'm grateful for the gentle encouragement from some of my family and closest friends, because all I really wanted to do was stay in denial over the whole thing and become miraculously pregnant out of the blue. I'm not sure why that was…I guess I just started feeling genuine fear that I would never have another baby, and facing that fear was too much to think about. Of course, the appointment was much less painful (physically and emotionally) than I thought it would be, and I was set up with my first round of Clomid for that month.

I may write a more detailed post on my Clomid experience later on (if anyone is interested!), but to spare those of you who dry-heave upon hearing tales of ovulation, let's just say that it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I'm incredibly grateful such a medication exists, because even now it feels like a bit of a miracle.

I had a 2 week wait before taking the pregnancy test, and I had taken mine slightly early—which is why the line was so faint. The whole thing felt so unreal that I kept the secret from everyone for an entire day. (Quite the feat, if you know me at all.) The next morning I took a second test, which resulted in a slightly darker line, at which point my heart was pounding in my chest and my brain felt like melting and my body felt like doing cartwheels.

I told Jay that evening, in the least creative way I could. Mostly because I was weirdly nervous to tell him and just wanted to spill the beans after holding in the secret for a day and a half. I showed him a photo of the two tests on my phone, and waited for his reaction.

"I have a photo I want to show you…"
"What's that? Is that a pregnancy test?"
"Yeah…"
"Huh. Oh, wait—is that yours?"
"YES!"

Even though he knew I was going to be taking a test soon, I think he was under the impression that I was showing him a photo of someone else's pregnancy announcement, so it took a bit for it to sink in. Still, it was a better reaction than when I called him into the bathroom after getting a completely unexpected positive test when I was pregnant with Eisley.

"Jay, can you come in here?"
"Why?"
"Eh…there's something you need to see."
"What? Is there a spider or something?"
"NO."

Oh, life. These grand moments are never quite as picture-perfect as you think they'll be, but they certainly hold their own kind of magic.

11 comments :

  1. Congratulations!! I am so glad everything worked out! That last part of your post was too funny {telling Jay about Eisley!}

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  2. Eek!! I just saw you pinned something to a baby board on Pinterest, so I thought I ought to read your blog in case I had missed some important news. : ) Congratulations to you and Jay!! And to Eisley for becoming a big sister!! I'm so happy for you. What a wonderful way to end one year and begin the next. I can't wait to hear more!! <3

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  3. I'm so glad Clomid worked for you!! I can't say the same for myself, as it just made me feel miserable, but I have an appt with a fertility specialist tomorrow, so hopefully they have another option for me! I'm super excited for you, and have officially added you and Jay to the list of couples who give me hope and keep me trying :)

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    1. Thank you so much for the kind words, Lindsey! I'm keeping you and Justin in my thoughts and prayers as you move forward with fertility treatments—I always think about how lucky we are to live in a day and age where there are so many options and opportunities to help us have children when the old fashioned way just doesn't cut it. ;) You are such an incredible woman, and the fact that you took the time to wish me congratulations despite your own struggles means more to me than you could know. You are a gem, lady! Hugs to you and your husband!

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  4. Congratulations! :) I'm happy for you! What a good way to start this year.

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  5. Congratulations once again Kerri. As I mentioned on IG I was so pleased to hear a positive result from Clomid and so glad to hear you didn't have a horrid time with it either as my experience with it was just awful. But I got my little man thanks to IVF and like you say it makes you so grateful for the way medicine can help now. I look forward to seeing your journey going forward xx

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  6. Congratulations! So thrilled for you and look forward to hearing more. I was on Clomid too, and didn't have much of a problem with it but I know it can have side effects. Glad you got the intended result!

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  7. Congratulations! I know what you mean about grand life moments never being as picture perfect as you imagine! All three times I've had a positive pregnancy test (well, three if you don't count the fact that I probably did about seven each time just to make sure the first one was right!) my husband has been stunned into silence for at least half a day - and his first words are typically "Wait, what? HOW did this happen?" You'd think he'd have it figured out by now ...

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  8. Agh- I'm so happy for you! I've always promised myself that if we have more children, I'll tell Dan in a much better way... the first two were total shock flops. But it's the news that matters most! That new babe inside of you! I don't think I can use enough !!!!!! :)

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  9. I could swear I commented on this before... but I guess, I didn't. BUT: it's not too late to tell you how over-the-moon excited I am for you and Jay and your little family! <3

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  10. This is so sweet! I am pregnant too and due at the end of July, so looks like we are close :) I will be following your blog more closely now to see what you do for your little one! I know it will be adorable :)

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