September 2, 2014

who I am (at the moment)...

image
I am…

…exhuasted, mentally. And emotionally. (And a little bit physically, come to think of it.) I really need to sit down and write it out—because that always seems to help me work through these things—but for now a few bullet points will have to do. Suffice to say, there are times when my current role just wears me thin and I feel like I'm terrible at everything I do, and disappointing everyone around me. Frustration leads to guilt, which leads to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, and therefore more frustration. It's a lovely little roller coaster of emotions.

…happy to have finally purchased a couple new pairs of jeans to replace my one go-to pair that has actually worn to bits in the past few months. There's something about September that makes me want to do a bit of back-to-school shopping, no matter how old I get.

…a little too excited about a hand-me-down iPad that a friend generously gave to us last week. It's something I don't think we could have ever justified splurging on, so I feel so spoiled! I'm most excited over the ability to read ebooks on my Kindle app, because reading them on my phone is just too annoying (small print and a million pages). I think I'll always prefer holding a tangible book in my hands, but I'm always coming across free ebooks and can now "borrow" them from our library website, so perhaps I'll finally come around to this bit of technology. Convenience, right?

…so grateful that Eisley is almost completely potty-trained (aside from overnights and a random let's-wet-our-pants-all-over-the-library moment that was quite special). It's so odd to watch her shed these last pieces of baby-hood, and to now be such a grown-up little girl.

…working on putting together birthday albums (digitally; I'm no hero) for Eisley's first two birthdays, because I was so thrilled with how the one I made for her recent birthday came out. I put things like this off for so long, and I don't know why. Once I sit down to actually do them, they give me so much satisfaction and don't take nearly as long as I think they will.

…starting to pray for impossible things. Or, at least, things that feel impossible.

…a little wistful over the fact that my best friend is moving across the country this month. It's rare to find that level of friendship with someone, especially when it lasts for nearly a decade. I'm not sure what I'll do without her.

…completely and utterly ready for autumn. Scarf weather, boots, cardigans, pumpkin everything, being that annoying person who watches Christmas movies two months before the actual holiday. All of it.

…thinking a lot about hospitality, community, spiritual gifts, and other such things. There is so much I feel like really digging into these days, but it almost seems like there is a lack of time to truly dedicate to it. True, you make time for what is important—but what if there are so many things that feel so important? What then?

6 comments :

  1. It's hard to be a person, but you're doing a great job. I hope you find some peace soon. Know that people (all over the country!) are rooting for you. And yay for jeans and iPads :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are so relatable, Kerri! The last point especially has me nodding along. I don't have any answers, just big thoughts and ideas and dreams in my head like you.

    I've also been convicted to pray for impossible things lately. It's the first step to greater faith and trust, I think.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I make albums for both of the kids through Blurb every year at Christmas - they usually have decent promos then :)

    Speaking of Christmas ... I totally busted out Lady Antebellum's Christmas album last week. Who cares if it's still technically summer?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I feel like I could have written this post nodding to almost every single point. My feelings are so similar to yours right now - praying we both will find some peace. Have a wonderful weekend. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Kerri! My name is Jonesy and I've been reading your blog for years now, but don't think I've ever commented before. I am a Muslim and recently spent a couple of months studying in Turkey and one of my teachers there mentioned something that your post today reminded me of.

    I don't know if its because of how I was raised (extremely harsh and strict Catholic) or just my timid and shy nature, but I've always felt somewhat guilty asking God for some things. Because I felt there were too unnecessary or too grand or selfish. Then in a lecture my teacher said that whenever we pray for something it is a sign of God wanting to give it to us. Just the fact that he has put the want for something in our hearts, no matter how small or impossible it seems to us - it's his way of reminding us how worthy we are for these things. And to go ahead and make those prayers and receive our blessings :)

    I'm not sure if this is the same type of thing you were speaking of when you said "impossible things" but in case it was I wanted to share some advice that I received that comforted me.

    Thanks for sharing all that you do!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey! I have a recommendation for your new (to you) ipad. It's the least I can do in return for all your recommendations of cool free/cheapo things. Download the free app Zinio and then search in your browser for Zinio + your local library system. Once you get all connected with your library account, you can download and read magazines on your ipad! As many as you want! I guess it depends what your local library offers, but here in Maryland I can read tons of awesome magazines. Like US Weekly, which I am normally too cheap/embarrassed to buy at the store.

    ReplyDelete

Thoughts? Questions? General musings? Do share!

If you are asking a question, I will respond here within the comments—so, be sure to click that handy little "notify me" box below to know when I've replied!