August 6, 2014

being almost thirty...

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A decade ago, thirty sounded so old. When I thought of my thirtieth birthday, I always figured I would be completely settled, out of new ambitions, a little bit boring. I'm not sure why that was, exactly. Maybe it was just so far away, and it seemed like I'd be able to accomplish pretty much anything in my twenties, and by time I hit thirty life would just be…simple.

The thing is, my life is rather simple, but it isn't boring. In fact, I am nowhere near out of new ambitions. (I want to run a half-marathon, I want to write a book, I want to have more children, I want to teach, I want to learn a hundred new things.) And when it comes to being settled? I can honestly say I don't know where we will be even five years from now. In many ways, the sky still feels like the limit. (I may be a homebody, but I still dwell in possibility—that's the truth.)

I don't think I ever really freaked out, the closer I've come to thirty. The closer I get, the more appealing it is. I've mentioned before how so many women I know in their thirties have this air of confidence and wisdom and comfort in their own skin—flaws and all. Worries and insecurities still linger, sure…but there is a different tone to it all. It's not debilitating, and it doesn't color so much of your day-to-day life. It's less about wanting to fix yourself and more about being unabashedly yourself. Being the best version of who you are with what you've been given.

That's what I want for my thirties.

I'm grateful for all the experiences my twenties have offered me. It's a little crazy to look back on the past decade and all that I've seen and done and struggled with. How it has definitely shaped me into the woman I am now. There are memories that make me cringe, but mostly I'm proud and content and a little nostalgic when I look back on the past ten years of life. I don't think my experiences were that unique—after all, who doesn't go through the usual quarter-life crisis, drama and other general shenanigans that typically accompany your twenties? I'm just glad to have come out on the other side with a life I wouldn't trade for anything.

What's odd, is that in the past year I've finally started seeing my age. For the longest time, I really didn't think I looked much different than I did a decade ago. But all of a sudden there are so many things I'm noticing…the bags under my eyes that won't seem to go away, endless freckles on my arms and shoulders that are a testament to too many summers in the sunshine with not enough sunscreen, gray hairs that somehow keep multiplying on my head, the way I carry my weight post-baby (and post-teenage-metabolism). The thing is, though, that I'm not upset over any of it. I have my bad days, of course, but I refuse to waste any more energy on that kind of insecurity.

I'm also learning to be okay with being an introvert, a homebody, an emotional nelly. I'm learning to more proudly define myself as a wife and stay-at-home-mom, as a Christian, as an artist. I'm always learning, because there's never an end to it all, is there? Life is always a work in progress, and that can be a beautiful thing.

I'm enjoying this last bit of my twenties. (And it's always nice to have an excuse to wax poetic on the whole thing.) Thirty just feels like a big deal, in the best way possible—like a beginning and ending all rolled into one. 

8 comments :

  1. Amen! I love the sound of thirty. :)
    Beautiful thoughts, as always.

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  2. I just turned thirty, and I envy how happy you are. I'd give anything to have a husband and kids, and your life sounds amazing to me.

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  3. I'm 7&1/2 years into 30 and it's amazing!!! You will enjoy it!!!

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  4. I think I could have written this post myself at some points. Turning 29 was one of my hardest birthdays not because I felt old (though it is when I also started seeing the signs of age), but more because I hadn't done a lot of the things I thought I'd do by 30 - namly be married and have started a family. It's funny though... shortly after my 30th birthday I found myself with a husband and a stepson, and I was better able to look back on my 20s and see how all the good and the bad came together to put me where I was when starting my 30s. I definitely feel young, despite the crow's feet and gray hair, and I feel like this decade holds so much promise that I can't even imagine all that God has in store. Beautiful post!

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  5. Very well put! You will love your thirties... I am thoroughly enjoying how I FEEL emotionally and how much happier I am. It's like, all the things that used to matter so much and stress me out, just DON'T anymore. It's sublime. Happy early Birthday!!!

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  6. Absolutely love this. I have enjoyed being thirty so much even if it's not even close to what I had envisioned for myself years ago. And it's weird to think five years from now, because I don't have a clue what that looks like either. And slowly, I'm finally able to be okay with that, ha.

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  7. i LOVE that you are an introvert, homebody, and what did you call it? emotional nelly? lol. The funny thing is...even though I'm pretty much an extrovert, I have always been attracted to introverts as my best friends...there is just something calming and appealing about somebody who doesn't feel the need to be going-going-going places all the live long day. Anyhow. I adore this about you. Please don't ever change.

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  8. I am right there with you, girl! I'm turning 30 at the end of September and am feeling the exact same. I am excited for a new decade. My 20's were good to me, but I'm so over it and ready to live my 30's to the fullest! Happy early Birthday!!!

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