November 5, 2013

end of the day thoughts...

Today was a weird day. It was one of those days where no matter what I did, I was left with this lingering feeling of having missed something important. I ended up getting so much done between morning errands, the usual afternoon checklist, and the evening. But here I sit, feeling uneasy and unable to just slip into bed early (which is what I'd really like to do, to be completely honest).

I even checked off a few extras today. I made a couple dreaded phone calls, answered emails from ages and ages ago, took the time to make an extra delicious lunch for my daughter and I—even somehow managing to have dinner ready by the time my husband walked in the door.

By all means, today should have been business as usual. Things were quite good.

Eisley took an unusually long nap today, which always feels a bit magical. She's always been a good napper, but when I get that unexpected half-hour or hour it makes me want to dance. While she slept, I completed all my typical dailies: general tidying and dish-washing, blogging miscellany, email, surveys, editing photos or working on creative projects. Because of the extra time, I was able to journal, complete my daily devotional, and (finally, two months after getting it) sync my phone with my computer. Eisley slept on, so I read half a chapter of a book that I've been loving.

Still, even though I'd already checked off so many things from my to-do list, I found myself kind of walking around in circles. Feeling uneven and discombobulated and unable to sit still and rest.

Ah, yes. Rest. Still working on that one, clearly.

I figured my antsy feelings were a result of my putting off cleaning day this morning, so I did a quick dusting and vacuuming once the wee one finally woke up. I threw away old magazines, lit a pumpkin candle, gave Eisley a bath. We colored together, watched a show, ran around a little bit.

When Jay got home and we had dinner, I started to feel a bit more settled, but now that the day is ending, I can't shake this frustrated feeling of having missed something. What is that one extra thing I should have done? And why can't I look back on my day with peace?

Sometimes I wish I could have a weekend away without any commitments, technology, expectations, plans, to-do lists. Sometimes the idea of having a bit of a "reset" is so appealing. Even though I don't have a busy life (as compared to many women), I still feel like it's so noisy. I want quiet…true quiet. Peace and quiet.

I know tomorrow will arrive (probably entirely too quickly, thanks to an early-rising toddler and the recent time change) and things will most likely be back as they usually are, but tonight I sit here wondering why days like these happen so often lately.

Do I overcomplicate my simple life? That's the question in my heart tonight. I'm not sure I've ever even thought of it like that until now. I know what I need to do, but it's just a matter of getting there. I need to find more time for rest, for the "unimportant", for writing and creating—the kind without any expectation or price tag attached. Of course, it always sounds easier than it is.

Do you ever have those feelings of wanting to do so much that you end up doing absolutely nothing? When you know you're capable of doing so much more, but you stop short of actually doing any of it at all?

Yes, I want to do less and more at the exact same time. Tell me I'm not alone in this madness.

Even writing this tonight feels like some sort of breakthrough, because I can't remember the last time I was able to sit down and do a bit of guilt-free, unplanned, real-time blogging. I miss the days when I was able to do this without a care in the world (or pressure, or expectations, or any of that). These days I can't shake the idea that it's time to reclaim this space as truly my own. If that makes any sense at all.

But now? It's time to rest. And tomorrow will be a good day.

5 comments :

  1. Oh man, been there. I'll start the day feeling so upbeat and productive, but end it feeling so unsettled about not having done enough (even though know I felt busy all day long).

    For me, it always helps to write my feelings out until I get to the bottom of them. Sometimes I'll even make a to-do list of things that need to happen in order for me to feel satisfied / not icky at the end of the day. Once I define what it is I really wanna get done, it's usually easier to block out little distractions and focus on the couple things I know will make the day feel worthwhile for me.

    That's just my personal experience though. I'm not a stay at home mama and can't imagine accomplishing what you do on a day-to-day basis! Hope today is better for ya :)

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  2. I just love this. Yes. Its a constant struggle of rearranging priorities. Feeling like you're spending too much time on busyness, and not enough time on the things that matter, but then those "busy" things seem necessary too, and so we're back at square one. I don't know what the answer is. Baby steps maybe? Half an hour of Dawson's Creek or a run alone after the kids go to bed; or painting something just to paint, not to photograph or mail to a friend. I think those little snatches of "nothing" really help recharge us for all the other stuff, AND make us better at the other stuff. That's what I tell myself anyway, you know, to keep the guilt at bay ;)

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  3. No, you're not alone in that madness. Not at all. I don't have a child yet, so I really should have enough time on the weekends and in the morning I feel like the whole day is in front of me and I have so many plans and projects I want to do... and then, BAM, it's the evening and I feel like I've accomplished none of the things I truly wanted to do. Sure, I cross things off my to-do list, but I am not left satisfied, but restless.

    What is this? Where is it coming from? And most of all: how do we stop this?

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  4. I often have the same feeling -- do I overcomplicate my simple life? I probably do, but complications vary in importance from person to person so it's all very subjective.
    xx Abby | a geek tragedy

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  5. I'm struggling a LOT lately. I completely understand, that feeling tired, and off, and unlike yourself, etc. can be a huge pain and very depressing. Hang in there, Kerri! <3 Everything WILL be better!

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