September 20, 2013

more than just a fever...

I think a lot about having another child. It's been on my heart for quite a few months, actually.

Most often, things like this are brought up in conversation in a way that makes it more lighthearted. Oh, that baby fever! But I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and how that doesn't really express the desire of a woman's heart…that need that feels almost physical. That desire to grow your family. That desire to give your child a sibling. That desire to create a new life, one that is up to you to nurture and help thrive and encourage to grow.

I feel such a sense of urgency about it sometimes. This thought in my mind that repeats, It's time, it's time, it's time. I promise. But then, at the same moment the rationality comes in saying, It's not the right time; what the heck are you thinking? You want to have two kids in a one-bedroom duplex in one of the most expensive parts of the country—on one income, nonetheless? WHAT IF YOU HAVE TWINS? Don't be stupid.

I feel a little ridiculous even writing this down, but some days it's a little bit harder to keep bottled up. Those who haven't been there—who haven't experienced it—may see it as something else, but it's something that is on my mind so often these days. This isn't just about buying adorable baby shoes and the desire to have that pregnancy glow—it's more than just a fever.

I was chatting with a good friend the other day, and I brought up how much I'm looking forward to having another baby. It was nice to open up to someone who shares the same feelings as I do about the whole thing, and acknowledges how hard it is to put something like this into words. At least ones that do it justice.

"It's almost as if…as if I can just feel this future child of mine. Like they already exist, but just need to be created. You know? Do I sound crazy? Yep, I'm hearing the words, and I sound absolutely crazy."

"No, you're not crazy, and I totally get it."

It feels good to open up and feel like you're admitting something a little bit ridiculous, only to have someone give you a smile and a word of encouragement and a bit of a, "Girl, I've been there. Husbands may not understand it, but it's a thing. It really is."

I remember how my heart felt very much the same way before I had Eisley. And when she was finally in my arms, some of my first thoughts were, "Oh, hello there. I feel like I've known you forever. I'm so glad you're here." As overwhelmingly new and unfamiliar everything about motherhood was, it seemed like she had existed so much longer in my heart than she ever existed in the world (or inside of me). I can't help but feel like the next time it happens (God willing), it will be a bit of the same sort of revelation once I'm actually looking into their eyes.

I know so much will be different the next time around, but I'm just so eager to experience everything again from the very beginning. If I were to be completely honest, I'd love to do it a couple more times after that. And I don't feel like I've been given that desire for no reason at all. You know?

We'll see where our lives take us, and we'll see what the next year (and beyond) holds. But for now, I keep praying that we'll be in a place quite soon that will allow us to easily grow our family. Where so much pressure won't be on my husband's shoulders—or mine—and that it will somehow fall together perfectly. Those sorts of things happen in real life, right?

15 comments :

  1. I totally get that it is more than a "fever"! Before I got pregnant with my last baby, I just knew at some point we would have another one. My husband was sure we were done as we already had 3! It is an indescribable feeling. But I have learned that there is no perfect timing when having a baby! I was 34 & his closest sibling was 4 1/2 when he was born! Somehow it is perfect even though I thought it wouldn't be!!!

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  2. I truly believe that your children are waiting up in heaven for you to bring them down here! So yes, you already "know" them and they know you. Things have a way of working themselves out. Don't wait for the "perfect" time, that hardly exists. Just relax and trust your gut. It IS more than just a fever! :)

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  3. I totally get it!! You described the feeling very well, too. In all honesty we are really not financially "ready" for another kid but the desire was so great that we wanted to make it work anyway, and somehow we will. (Also, I can't wait until you have another!)

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  4. This. We don't have kids yet, mainly because we current live on one income and adding in a child is not financially possible. Yet, I long for a child, and I've longed for one for 3+ years now. We've put having children on hold and for so long it's felt unfair. I want one now, God! I know God has plans for us, but it's hard when the longing is so deep inside of me. It's not just baby fever... I can't explain, but I'm sure you understand. It's super frustrating that men don't experience this too, because I think it'd be easier if HE wanted a child as badly as I do, but he's too logical for his own good. Sigh.

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  5. I also totally get it. My Charlie is barely younger than Eisely and we've been trying all year. My hubs would be fine with just our son but I just know in my bones our family isn't complete yet. Waiting is so hard.

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  6. I TOTALLY know this feeling. And I have THREE already.
    I can no longer have babies (unless I go ahead with the surrogacy route). I can't wait for you to grow your family - it is the best feeling ever.

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  7. I know that feeling very well.

    Obviously, with having 2 miscarriages this year I have had the "fever" for a while and wish it was as simple as just wanting a baby, trying, and getting one.

    I want a baby so bad it hurts. Sometime in the hardest moments, I imagine what our baby will look like, what it will feel like to hold him or her. What it will feel like to have a baby kicking me again. It seems impossible to hope that I might get to experience that, after losing 2 pregnancies so recently.

    This feeling you describe is what makes me want to keep trying, despite the pain.

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  8. I don't even have one kid and I very much get it. I can't wait to have a big family and really hope we can afford it, ha.

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    1. I want it so much for you, too, Katelin. You're someone in my life that I know is going to be such an incredible mama, and I can't wait for you to be able to experience all the joy! Love you, lady. <3

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  9. Is there every a "right" time?

    Muses this new mom of 2 under 2...

    Love your posts!

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  10. Husbands get it... mine is right there with me.

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    1. You're a lucky lady, for sure. I have a friend whose husband also had "baby fever" before they were pregnant, too. :)

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  11. I don't have kids yet, but I totally know what you mean...I'm 23, but I think about when I'll have my first child all the time, and just the thought of him/her makes the baby already exist in my heart. I can't wait for the day when I'm married and our lives are a bit more settled down and we can truly grow our family.

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  12. :) I hope those things happen in real life because I get it. :)

    I haven't had a baby yet but I think I feel the same way... it's like this physical yearning you just can't describe. It DOESN'T make sense in my head... we're both in grad school, we live in a small apartment, I'm only 23, and on and on...

    ...but I want it anyway.... SO bad. So, I hope that sometime soon as I'm wrapping up my last year of grad school and everything, that things sort of just fall into place and we can go there too. :)

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  13. I hear you, and I totally get it. I pray for you that all will work out just so.
    I'm almost 34, two kids (9 an almost 7) and for the last few years we said we were done. Done done done. But lately I have that feeling and I can't tell if its because I want another or if its because I desperately miss my kids in their baby/toddler days, or both. I look at old videos of them an it literally hurts my heart. There's so much I miss and so much I've learned that I would love to experience all over again. Plus, my kids ADORE little ones.

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