August 30, 2013

twenty-nine...

Last weekend, I turned twenty-nine. I've never been one to freak out about getting older (aside from the fact that I do sometimes want to go back and relive my idyllic childhood). For some reason, though, I still often play the part of fearful almost-30-year-old in conversations. Oh, yeah! Twenty-nine. I know, right? Almost thirty…scary stuff.

In reality, I'm eager to turn thirty. As I've mentioned before, it doesn't intimidate me or stress me out. If anything, twenty-nine feels a bit more intense than thirty. There's this weird pressure to fit a lot of things into the last year of being twenty-something.

I went back and forth, trying to come up with some sort of project for the year ahead of me, but there are times that just living my life feels like a bit of a project, and I don't feel like adding anything else into the mix. I'm hoping to accomplish a few things here and there (reviving my Etsy shop, cooking through a few cookbooks that have been on my shelf for years, finding ways to make a bit more money for our little family, challenging my creativity with new projects, blogging more), but aside from these things, I'm keeping it easy.

Plus, I have this feeling that the next year will be a new season. I feel like we're on the cusp of something, which is hard to explain, really…but it's just a feeling I get every now and then. It's that feeling of impending change. It makes me not want to plan much, but to instead wait and see.

The past several years have been filled with a lot of lessons, and when I look back on my twenties I'm mostly proud. I got through the whole finding-myself bit, making mistakes and (in hindsight) embarrassing myself quite a bit in the process. But I got through it, and it feels good to reach twenty-nine with a clear head, with a firm grasp on who I am. I feel comfortable in my own skin. So much so, that it's almost surprising and unfamiliar at times.

I've also done a lot of thinking about the big picture. About why I'm here and what I'm meant for. About what it means to love God and to be loved by God, and how that part of my life doesn't have to be compartmentalized or hidden away for fear of someone rushing to make assumptions or judgements. I've found much more peace and comfort in this than anything else. There's something to be said for that alone.

I feel brave. Most days.

There have been a lot of challenges and heavy things in my personal life, which will probably always be there in some way, and it's been a struggle for me to figure out how to handle them. I've recently realized how much responsibility I take for the struggles of others, and I think that somehow I can always fix a person if I have the right amount of faith, if I say the right thing, if I want it enough for them—even when they don't want it for themselves. But I'm learning that it doesn't work that way. Which I hate. Being powerless sucks. But, you know. Life lessons and all of that.

I've never been a big birthday celebration kind-of-a-gal. I don't needs a bunch of gifts or a party, and when people stare at me while singing "Happy Birthday" I always seem to break into a cold sweat. (Being the center of attention is not my jam, clearly.) But I was glad Jay and I were able to go out to dinner on the evening of my birthday. We actually went out—just the two of us—twice this month, and more than ever I realize how important it is to be just us sometimes. When we went out on his birthday, it had been so long since we'd been on a dinner/movie date that I almost felt nervous. I told Jay, "I feel like this is an actual date. Like, I'm stressed out about how my hair looks and I'm wondering if you're going to put your arm around me in the theatre. Now I'm making myself all awkward. WHAT IS HAPPENING."

On my birthday, he reached for my hand while we were walking around before dinner, and that was the best thing. It really was.

6 comments :

  1. Happy birthday, sweet (online) friend. I always love reading your posts, and this one was no exception. I find myself wishing we lived closer because I have every reason to believe we would be great, great friends. I hope 29 is your best year yet, and that God brings into fruition all the things that are on the cusp. Cheers!

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  2. The closer I get to 30, the more I panic because of everything I have yet to do in life (kids, house, etc). This was calming and reassuring, love you writing. :)

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  3. Happy belated birthday!!! You're one year older than me!
    I really love reading your posts Kerri. I love your writing style.
    Also, I read the sidebar, and see that you're reading the Amanda Knox book 'Waiting to be Heard'. I read that book as well. What are you thinking of it? And you're working on a blog design...can't wait to see it, if it's for this blog! I love your design by the way! I wish I knew how to design!

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    1. Thank you, Rachael! Your comments always brighten my day (as cheesy as that sounds). ;)

      I'm almost done with Waiting to be Heard, and I've gone back and forth on whether or not I think she's guilty! I've LOVED the book, though—it's been a tough one to put down. And it's been very eye-opening to learn about the laws/system in Italy. Kind of scary, really.

      I've been toying around with a new blog design for a while, but we'll see if it actually pans out…haha…I may just update some of the graphics here and there! It's fun messing around with Photoshop Elements. :)

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  4. Happy birthday, dear Kerri! I think you're wonderful.. 29-years-of-wonderful.

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  5. "I've recently realized how much responsibility I take for the struggles of others, and I think that somehow I can always fix a person if I have the right amount of faith, if I say the right thing, if I want it enough for them—even when they don't want it for themselves. But I'm learning that it doesn't work that way."

    So, so true.

    Happy belated!

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