July 30, 2013

on doing enough, or not, or something (I don't even know)...

I periodically get into moods when I feel like there is just way too much to accomplish. This week I've stepped back and come to the realization that there will always be something, and I'll never get it all done. Ever. Which is a thought both freeing and mildly terrifying.

My daily schedule is such that I have plenty of time to do the basic things that need to be done, but it's always those little nagging "extras" that are constantly in the corners of my mind.

Even if I return all the phone calls that need returning, and catch up on months worth of emails waiting patiently in my inbox, and get the entire garage reorganized (in order to actually fit a car inside), and schedule at least four blog posts—even if I manage to accomplish those things, there will still be something left undone. There are still rooms to declutter, people to make time for, belated birthday cards to send, hundreds of photos to organize on our computer, creative meals to somehow conjure by the the time Jay gets home.

I always wonder how my husband is so much different than I am, too. It's not like he has any less on his plate—even if it holds very different things from the items on mine. But still, he can spend the weekend doing leisurely things, and at the end of the day he's not still running around unable to stop. I, on the other hand, am typically going non-stop until the sun goes down. (And even when we're trying to enjoy a Homeland marathon on a Sunday evening, I fight the urge to also clean the living room, check my email or Twitter, or organize my planner for the week ahead.)

Man, all I want is to just experience some complete and utter calm. Simplicity. Without feeling like I'm somehow missing out on something (or selling myself short, or becoming horribly behind on my to-do list) while doing so.

So, for now, I sit here and write. Which I really want to do more often. Which is something I've said over and over for the past two years, but it seems like there is always something getting in the way. My ambition? My schedule? My gloriously overly-emotional emotions? Who knows, really.

I recently had a great conversation with a friend about life, blogging, creativity, all of it. Since that conversation, I've been reevaluating a lot of things (once again)—so we'll see where I go from here. I hate feeling like I'm constantly reinventing myself here on the internet, or like I've yet to really find my place, unable to figure out where I fit. Am I this? Am I that? Should I post this? I often find myself seeing what I present through a different lens, too—reading what I write through the eyes of those who are desperately looking for ammunition, ready to showcase my flaws, eager to manipulate what I say, ready to mock what I do or say or believe in. It's tough when I'm constantly second-guessing myself, you know?

Nowadays there are so many rules and expectations, too, and those of you have been blogging for a decade will totally get it. I feel like nothing is spontaneous or simple or any of that anymore. And it makes me wonder if it really can be.

Well, anyway. I was fully intending to grapple with our garage situation while Eisley slept this afternoon, but it's fairly obvious that I'd prefer to sit here and just…think about stuff. First world problems and all of that, of course. But still.

6 comments :

  1. Have you ever come across the blog “Zen Habits"? Leo will show you how to slow down, be mindful, present and content, while in the midst of a crazy busy life. Since discovering his site about a year ago, I have totally revamped my life. All in my life is still exactly the same, but the thoughts he has instilled have changed me. Give this a chance. You never know. You are such a sweet, sincere and hard working person, one of my favorite bloggers. I wish you all the peace and happiness in this world!

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  2. Blogging so, so, so can be simple, lovely lady. Some people don't want to hear about personal life, which is what I post about the most and you know what? I couldn't care less. If that isn't their cup of tea, it isn't! If it is, it is!

    I have such a huge to-do list, both physical and mental. All. the. time. Just this morning, one of my to-do's, and please excuse the language!, was RE-FUCKING-LAX. Because I just celebrated my birthday, have super important goals and yet I can't accomplish them in one day, or even start them, and I panic!

    Jen helped me through! She reminded me that my week has been crazy. Family visiting, and leaving. Lots of shopping and time out of the house (and I am a total homebody, save for a trip to the store once a week or so, etc.) So I should let myself relax. And she is SO right.

    One of my goals for this 24th year of my life is to be a better person... to others, *and* to myself. Pressuring myself to do this, that and everything else... isn't getting me anywhere, but flustered. To-do lists can be wonderful, yeah! But you, and your family, is 100% more important.

    Please, take time for yourself. Do something you love, without the need to sell, share, write about, etc. For me, for example, I like doing art journaling... but EVERY page MUST be perfect, because I plan on sharing them. But when I am writing in my day-to-day journal? I don't make nearly as many mistakes, and even if I do, I couldn't care less.

    When I do yoga, I do so for my own benefit. I may eventually post about my what I am doing, but when I go downstairs or stay in our room and stretch, bend, and breath... I feel wonderful.

    Remember! I am ALWAYS here for support! <3

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  3. I can definitely relate to this post!

    Blogging can make small little renewals of self so much more obvious. I always get stressed out when it comes time to go back to school because I know my to-do list will shortly be through the roof and the time to blog or schedule blogging will be literally non-existent.

    Just remember to keep your head up and that making time for quiet and yourself is worth it.

    I took one day off this week from the internet and I managed to read nearly two books. It's amazing what a little quiet can do!

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  4. Just from the way my habits differ from the week to the weekend (i work a desk job during the week and then spend the weekends working on our home, mostly), I would venture to say that you can't "turn it off" in the evenings because home is your work. You don't get to leave work at 5 or 6 or ever. You're always home. I mean, I don't know your life, but I think you know what I'm saying here.

    Just make a deal with yourself that you have to hard stop the "work" part of being home every night at a certain time, or at least at the point when dinner ends and the dishes are clean. Then do what you enjoy. Watch tv with Jay, hang out with your daugther, blog, craft, whatever you truly enjoy doing. There will always be a list of things to do tomorrow. Just make the list and leave it for tomorrow.

    As far as blogging, I do understand what you feel, but from my perspective as a reader, your blog has seemed as fresh and fun as it did four or five years ago. People change and their blogs change with them. That's okay. Just keep writing. :)

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  5. Girl, please get out of my head! I keep thinking I'll get to blogging but really all I have time for is commenting here and there. And real life? Clean the bathroom? Ha! Hang in there. Love your blog and glad you are making time for us readers.

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  6. Great post I'm a "doer" too, unlike my husband who (sometimes to my great frustration) is much better at relaxing even in the face of things that need to be done around the house. (He's worse about relaxing and ignoring his actual paid work tasks than I am, though, so maybe it all balances out and we're both crazy.)

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