April 4, 2013

on some current musings...

Even though I know I've grown so much since then, sometimes I miss the girl I was at eighteen. I'm finally getting old enough that I am starting to feel a bit detached from that person. Her memories are becoming a bit hazy and she seems more like someone else than me. Sometimes, when I'm walking at the park, I'll pass by a couple teenage girls and want to confide in them all I've learned in the past ten years, about all the mistakes I've made and things I learned weren't exactly true and the things I realized were most important. But I know they don't have time for that, and neither do I, so I just watch them walk by, wondering if they realize how truly free they are in that moment, at that age, with everything in front of them.

I struggle so much with jealousy. And I hate that, because I know it makes me seem like I'm ungrateful, even though when I look at my life I realize I'm nothing if not incredibly blessed. I'm learning how to protect myself from most of these jealous feelings, but sometimes there's no getting away. When I start getting completely wrapped up in material things, I know it's time to take a step back and become a bit of a hermit for a while. And focus. And pray.

Seeing my mom's handwriting always makes me feel homesick. It's not necessarily a bad feeling—it's just that overwhelming rush of nostalgia that takes me somewhere else. I remember begging my mom to write my name with a Sharpie on my pencil box when I was little, because she knew just how to write it perfectly centered, decorated with bold dots at the end of each letter's lines and curves. I wonder if someday Eisley will have these same homesick feelings about me, once she's grown and off creating a family of her own.

Sometimes I feel like if I have to pick up one more pair of my husband's dirty socks, I'm going to lose my ever-loving mind. But that's marriage, I suppose. He deals with all my crazy, so I suppose I can deal with his socks. (If I have to.)

Although I feel like most days I have my life quite nicely in order, there are those certain thoughts that creep in and make me all panicky. Am I doing enough? Am I giving Eisley all the attention and love she needs? Does my husband come home and see me all worn out and grumpy with my hair pulled back in a messy bun and wonder what exactly he got himself into? Do I put enough effort into my friendships and long-distance family connections? Those thoughts are so exhausting.

My newest hope is that Jay miraculously gets a job offer in the Northwest and we uproot ourselves from our cozy life here, moving to a small home of our own with a yard and a garden and shutters on the windows. I suppose it's not a new hope at all, but it's one I've been trying to smother for a while, and I'm tired of that. A girl can dream, right? I guess that I still feel like there's something else on the horizon for us and our family…I have yet to feel completely settled here, and I can't shake the feeling that someday we will be back where we both grew up.

I'm so grateful for how small the world seems now that I have a toddler. People smile at us everywhere we go, strangers start conversations and share things about their families and own children, we walk by and even people who seem anything but friendly will lend a small smile or wave. That's one of the best things.

9 comments :

  1. I totally know what you mean about the world feeling smaller with a toddler. Being that people are more friendly (or sometimes not!) but also that our days are so simple that it seems like it's just our own little world. I like it most days but some days it can get me going a little crazy! LoL. About you moving to the NW...well, do it! ;) And then my dream of us meeting and becoming BFFs would come true! ;) (I'm not crazy, I just think you're great!)

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  2. I love this post. I have been struggling a lot with jealousy my whole life. I just read this article today that kind of relates as most of my jealousy lately has stemmed from the blog world and internet, making me feel inadequate and not quite as good as everyone else. I have always looked to the next chapter of life rather than living in the moment I have right now. I always dream of my life in a little country house with the babies and the puppy running around in the backyard. We aren't there yet, but I know God will bless with the desires of your heart like He promises! ;-)

    http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/tech/stop-instagramming-your-perfect-life

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  3. I have the same exhausting, panicky thoughts. Some days I wish I could just turn my brain off!

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  4. I feel you on the feeling detached from your 18-year-old self. In fact, my friends and I have been doing a monthly book club to set goals based on the monthly topics in The Happiness Project. Because none of us have children yet, I thought I'd make April (which is the Parenthood chapter in the book) all about adulthood instead and how to get back in touch with our own inner children. I'd like to think that a younger version of myself would be proud of current me, but sometimes it can feel like I've failed her. It's weird that I really do see my past self as me but not totally me.

    Also, even I feel nostalgic when I see your handwriting, so I'm absolutely certain that Eisley will! : )

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  5. I get those same jealous thoughts and was just having some right before I read your post--so thank you for bringing me back to reality and making me think about all of the blessings I have in my life. :) And for the reminder to pray. Prayer is so incredibly powerful.

    And the Northwest is beautiful! I've never lived elsewhere so I often forget all the beauty (i.e. greenery) that the NW has to offer. It would be lovely if you moved up here! :)

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  6. I really relate to this post- so many of my thoughts recently are along similar lines. After being internet free for a week I'm understanding that wisdom of withdrawing and praying, not being focused on earthly things so much.
    My hubby and I are both from the same area in the uk- my dreamings about one day going back down south to live closer are becoming 'when' we finish our degrees which is nice! I'm feeling a lot of those same panicky thoughts too at the moment, and the socks.. well I've been there too! Our little one has just started toddling- it's lovely how everyone greets her with a smile. It makes the world open up a little bit.

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  7. I have a two little boys- my oldest was born two months after Eisley. My family lives far away and I'm home with my kids right now. I want you to know that your blog and your musings have helped me more than you can possibly know. So often you seem to say what I'm feeling, share an insecurity that is nagging at me. Where so many (beautiful!) blogs of mothers are full of product round ups and outfit shots (that I like to see!), I find comfort here where it seems to be about the real roots of being a mama, staying in touch with your creativity, and making a frugal and cozy home for your family. Thank you for putting your thoughts down for so many people to read. It makes the (sometimes scary, sometimes overwhelming) internet world a little smaller, in the best way.

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  8. love this post. thanks for always being so honest and witty :) you're a gem.

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