Yesterday evening I had this big rush of contentment. I love those moments—that natural high that envelops you and makes you feel like at that second everything is perfect.
I've felt on top of things lately, which is a feat. I know I mentioned it previously, but somewhere in the last few months there was a day everything just clicked. All of a sudden I feel comfortable with my new way of life. I feel like there's a routine…one that doesn't leave me guilt-ridden and all angsty when I haven't managed to complete a to-do list or one of my many daily goals. I feel free of so much that had been weighing on me so heavily during my daughter's first year.
I'm sure this may have to do with Eisley sleeping all night long for not one, but two nights in a row this past week. I woke up before the sun each morning and was all like, "Wait, what? I just slept six hours straight and you're telling me I'm not done yet? And this isn't some mean trick? HALLELUJAH!" It's no secret that I birthed a rather dreadful sleeper (also created partly due to habits we have yet to break, as well as our room-sharing situation). But her sleeping all night long is huge, considering it's happened so rarely since she was born. Even if it's just once a week, it's like I finally am allowing myself to have hope.
Call me dramatic if you will, but those of you who have gone months without more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep will totally get it. Of course, I hate that any of us have to get it, because, in a perfect world, all babies would sleep 12 hours straight by time they're 4 weeks old (like my sisters and I did, darn it all). But we don't live in a perfect world, and some of us wander through the first year of motherhood in a slight haze, surviving on coffee and carbs and more coffee and weepy phone calls to mom and encouragement from a husband who desperately wants to fix something he just can't fix.
Which is all to say: The light at the end of the tunnel does exist. I'm catching glimpses, and it is glorious. For the past couple months—even when she isn't sleeping all night long—she is waking only once to eat, then goes right back to sleep afterwards. Although I'd love to get rid of that one feeding, I'm not going to rip my hair out trying to figure it out while still sharing a room with her.
In other news, I'm keeping busy with my current hodgepodge of projects—even crossing a few extra things off my to-do list on days Eisley decides to take a 4 hour afternoon nap. (Although she's never been a good nighttime sleeper, I was blessed with a child who loves her naps, for sure.)
As the end of the year approaches, I'm halfway in crazy-obsessive-resolution-lady mode and halfway in slow-down-and-simplify-everything-in-humanity mode. Although the former is a little bit self-explanatory, here are a few things I am doing to embrace the latter:
- Organizing incredibly random things. Like my recipe box. And Eisley's outgrown clothes.
- Reading. And I do mean actively reading, not taking four months to get through one novel. (There was a solid year that I read absolutely no books other than parenting books, and that melted my brain a little bit.) I'm actually re-reading Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House books—which I'm sure some people may find odd, but I'm actually okay with that. Those books calm me.
- Sudoku before bed every evening. I found one of Jay's old sudoku books (from back when it was such a huge craze) and I've started doing one or two puzzles before bed. My mind is going a mile a minute by the end of the day, and this helps my thoughts slow down before I go to sleep.
- No Twitter during December. I've wanted to take another break, and this month seems to be the perfect time. Although I will be posting blog links there, and will periodically check for replies and DMs, the main point of my Twitter "break" is to limit my own usage of it. I just don't want to get caught up in all that noise this time of year…it's not good for my heart or mind.