October 29, 2012

on those moments...

I'm standing in the kitchen doing dishes, realizing that this previously dreadful chore has actually become a quick, dependable way for me to clear my head and calm my heart. I look out the window and notice the way the leaves outside are waving in the autumn breeze. I close my eyes for just a moment as the cool air makes its way through the window. The intense heat of our recent indian summer is still fresh in my mind, and I can't help but feel almost overwhelmed with joy by the change in seasons.

I'm sitting on the couch, trying to read a few pages of a book while my daughter rummages through her basket of toys. I look up as she runs over to me, and notice that she's wearing one of the braided cloth necklaces I made, which she loves to put on throughout the day. She grins, hands me the other necklace she's holding, and points to me, urging me to put it on with her many gestures and unintelligible mumbles. This is the first time she has done something like that, offering me something, almost sharing it with me, and I almost can't handle how grown up she seems. I put down my book and give her a squeeze.

I'm standing in front of the mirror before climbing into bed. I notice how much my body has changed in the past fourteen months since giving birth to my daughter. I also notice how, quite miraculously, it has become so much easier for me to look in the mirror and smile, not criticize. Affirm, not degrade. It's an almost effortless confidence that is very unfamiliar and long overdue.

I'm editing photos at my computer and come across a picture from when I was a newlywed. Realizing I've been married nearly seven years, I can't help but notice how different I am now. I used to look at photos of myself and see no change at all, but now there's no escaping it. It seems my life is broken into several distinct sections—childhood, the teenage years, young wife—and it's odd to realize how I almost see myself as a different person during each of these periods. I think about my most recent phase (conveniently titled "twenty-something crisis") and how I've officially left that version of myself behind. I'm new again. At the very beginning of a more confident, more refined, more experienced, more honest me.

I'm pushing a stroller through the park, heading home after a long walk to the post office. The afternoon sun casts my favorite sort of shadows on the grass and sidewalk. My daughter is pointing out dogs and ducks, kicking her legs and snacking on some Cheerios. I realize this is how I always wanted to spend my days, and it's almost surreal to be living it. I feel incredibly lucky.

17 comments :

  1. So funny... Had a very similar moment today. I happen to be celebrating my golden birthday today and took my 14-month-old peanut to the park, and realized during my blissfully peaceful stroll that I am living my dream at this exact moment in time. That I could not ask for a happier birthday, or a happier life. Hard to grasp the reality of knowing these are the moments I'll miss so deeply someday. :)

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  2. This might be fluff? I don't think so - I love reading about your thoughts. It has been said before, but I'll say it again - you certainly have a way with words that just gives you such a genuine voice. Thanks for sharing!

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  3. Long time follower, first time commenter. ;) I loved this I got misty. I am at a similar place in my life. Feeling new and so over criticizing my post baby body. Happy for you! ;)

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  4. This was so wonderful for me to read. I love your words. I recently became a mom (our baby boy is 7 months) and I'm going through a lot of different transitions and seasons. I'm starting to get to know myself over again in this new season and I'm finding myself self falling in love with life. Thank you so much for sharing!

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  5. I can't amen this enough!!! every little thing, I was saying "me too" :)

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  6. this is one of my most favorite posts you've ever written. so honest, so descriptive, and so perfectly representative of where you're at now. i loved it! well done, my friend. loved it.

    p.s. i hope i feel the same way if i reach the same stage you're in.

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  7. I love this, so much. Also? You and I share a love, and calmness, with washing dishes. I love looking through the window when doing them. I love the new season. I love looking through pictures, too, and seeing how much I've changed - and have stayed the same. Each old picture is a sweet, fond memory. LOVE IT.

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  8. Love your writing and your descriptions that make these simple moments seems SO special!

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  9. "I realize this is how I always wanted to spend my days, and it's almost surreal to be living it. I feel incredibly lucky."

    <3 + :)

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  10. This is beautiful, friend. I'm happy for you.

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  11. LOVE! This post made me tear up. So happy for you :o)

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  12. Beautiful words and beautiful post :)

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  13. This was such a pleasurable read. I just wanted to keep reading. Beautiful!

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  14. love the way you wrote this post. beautiful. and i can totally relate to watching our children mature before our eyes. it's crazy!

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  15. I love this post. You're a talented writer :)

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  16. Oh, this made me cry happy tears. :)

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