May 14, 2012

on some mommyhood musings...

Is it weird that I still have a little bit of baby fever? I don't sleep much (the wee one tends to sleep well for three days and then goes back to her old tricks for a solid month) and there is always so much on my plate, but I'm already looking forward to having another baby. Silly me, right? I guess that as overwhelming as life can be right now, it's also so full of bliss. And I can see that what I'm doing truly matters. It matters to me, to Jay, to my daughter. It matters now, and it matters five, ten, twenty years from now.

I celebrated my first official Mother's Day and it was a sweet and simple day. Jay let me sleep a couple extra hours (which is the best gift one can have, especially when one spent the previous day with a fever hovering near 103 and nearly melted into a puddle of sadness and Advil). He made me the world's largest chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. We spent a calm day together and I tried to convince him that it being Mother's Day validated my need to watch seventeen hours of Sister Wives reruns. (He won that argument. Unfortunately.) But he did make me my favorite dinner, bought us a delicious bottle of white wine, and didn't judge me when I felt the need to spend a good amount of the afternoon working up a sweat while vacuuming the floorboards.

It was a good day.

Looking ahead five years, I wonder if we will have another little one crawling around, destroying the state of our bookshelves, tearing into Jay's wallet to chew on his credit cards, and keeping me up all the live-long night. Truth is, I have this little boy in my mind already, and even have a name picked out that will most likely change a dozen times—if he does, in fact, exist someday. I know it's silly to plan on something like that, but I can't help it.

I've always wanted at least three kids. If I were to be honest with myself, I wouldn't mind having even more than that. It's been hard to get an answer out of Jay, because, as I may have mentioned before, when I used to ask him how many kids he wanted, he'd say, "Half." Um, I'm sorry, but that doesn't even make sense, guy. I have a feeling he wants a few, but I know that in his mind all he can think of is how much money it would cost to have even one more right now. I am typically (okay, always) the worrier in our relationship, but this is the one situation when our roles reverse. I see how well we've made it work with Eisley, even on just one income, and I'm like, "Aw, what's one more?"

But I'm sure we'll wait a bit for another.

It's been a challenge in itself, having just the limited living space and such with our first. Although, in a way, I'm glad we don't "have it all". It gives us something to look forward to, to appreciate, to also look back on someday and wonder how we managed to make it work.

"Remember when we lived in that tiny, one-bedroom duplex and Eisley kept us awake all night, and the traffic was so noisy and there were those ridiculous mini-blinds in the shower window? Remember how much we relied on hand-me-downs and morning cups of coffee and those moments Eisley did ridiculous yoga moves and made us laugh so hard?"

I know someday these will be the moments I long to relive, the ones that will make me feel wistful and nostalgic. So, here they are. Right in front of me. Makes me want to just breathe in and slow down, you know?

18 comments :

  1. I admire you and Jay so much for being able to make one income work so u can stay home! They grow too dang fast it's heartbreaking. Mine is finishing her year in kindergarten :'( we have been trying over a year for our second with many complications. But I just feel deep down in my heart that God will bless us with the little boy I dream about and have named as well :) he always has a plan! Enjoy these times with Eisley, soon you will be watching videos and looking at pictures wondering where that little girl went so fast!

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  2. I don't think its silly at all to dream about having a little boy... when I was younger (like high school) I always thought about having kids (in the future, of course) and had names picked out. The names have changed, but I love my babies.

    Its hard not having much living space. We lived with my in-laws for 6 months from the time my little boy was about 5 months to a year... awful... no space and well, just awful.
    Its hard to not worry about money too, but God will provide and take care of us even if we are broke! =)

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  3. We have three boys in a house under a thousand square feet and only one bathroom... And are planning on one more. It is lovely and small spaces can work. It's the people who are important! We have the rest of our lives for space and quiet and sleep.

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  4. I feel you on the sorta baby fever. Elizabeth is enough stress at the moment, but part of me thinks, "I've got this figured out. It's going to be so much better next time because I'm prepared. I have a better plan now. Let's do this!" I think we're going to try to keep a 1-kid-in-diapers-at-a-time policy. ;)

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  5. I'm definitely thinking about our second, and in my head it's a boy, and I have a name picked out...but I wouldn't say I have baby fever. I am not at all ready for another, and probably won't be for several more years. We don't love the idea of our kids being far apart in age, but for the sake of my sanity and our bank account, that's the way it will be.

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  6. It's not silly at all to be thinking about your second, or that you've envisioned boy. I don't even have a first baby yet and I can envision my potential future kids too. I think there can be a lot of truth to those things! Lately I've thought of a little girls name that I'd never heard of before, and I cannot get it out of my head! It makes me feel like that might be future my little girl's name...

    Anyways, I'm glad you had a nice Mother's Day! You deserved every minute of pampering!

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  7. Such a thoughtful post. I love that you're keeping a good perspective about not having it all at this time in your lives. We also are living in limited space with a toddler and dog in tow. We use the space issue to our advantage - and remind family members they shouldn't buy our son that (godawfulplasticpieceofcrap) toy, because we just don't have the room to store it. =)

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  8. Love this so much. Can relate to almost everything. David let me sleep in till 8 a.m. on Mother's Day and I really think it was the best part!

    (Your last two paragraphs almost had me in tears, too. I'm so overly nostalgic!)

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  9. Glad you had a good first mother's day! Sleeping in, Chocolate chip pancakes, and a sister wives marathon= score!!

    I totally agree with you with the whole baby fever thing. I mean seriously I had my baby four months ago and literally two weeks later I was ready to go at it again. My friend said that I wasn't crazy but alot of it had to do with my hormones. Still 4 months out and I love being a mommy so much I can't wait for more...but the Lord keeps reminding me to enjoy this time with my little one and wait on His timing.

    happy tuesday!

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  10. I'm so glad your first Mother's Day was perfect :) Mine was too!

    I was feeling a bit of baby fever recently and then yesterday I held my 1 day old nephew and all those feelings evaporated. He's perfect but so tiny and needy and mad. I was very happy to come home to my smiley, squirmy 9-month old!

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  11. It sounds like you're content with waiting, but if you truly, truly want to try for another baby, don't let a small house or limited income stop you! Just because it's "the American Dream" to have the kids and the dog in the McMansion in the 'burbs doesn't mean you NEED it in order to have a happy, healthy family. You can totally not only make two kids in a small space with little money work, but it can be really good for them. We just had our first baby in a 400 sq. foot apartment, and we're planning to probably move somewhere smaller. We want to intentionally live poor in order to teach our kids to value worthy things, rather than materialism. If you truly want another baby, go for it, and it will be a huge blessing!

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  12. I always tell Eric that I'm feeling nostalgia in advance--I just want to freeze some of these moments! That's not too much to ask, right? My baby fever comes and goes, but we'd already decided that we want a pretty big gap, and a certain someone might go nuts with me if I tried to modify the timing too drastically, hah. Living in a small space is tough; we're still doing it, and honestly, as she's gotten older and more mobile, it's gotten a little easier. The sacrifice has been worth it--right now it boils down to space or time with her, and time with her trumps space.

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  13. Girl, Jen and I are probably years away from having wee Bailey's, yet I constantly think of little Cynn. While I am SURE we'll end up with a little girl, aka Cynn, I constantly dream (as in, literally, dream while I'm asleep) that we have a boy! I have a few names picked out, too.

    Fun fact: Jen and I had Cynn picked out since we were teenagers! Just this year, I go: "I think, when Cynn is here, her middle name should be Cerridwyn." AND, apparently, that was ALSO her thought!

    Never feel silly for dreaming. Dreaming is amazing. Dreaming is POWERFUL!!!

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  14. Absolutely loved this. So glad you had such a nice Mother's day!
    "I guess that as overwhelming as life can be right now, it's also so full of bliss." ....amen and amen. So true. It is so easy to get baby fever and I'm always in between being ready and not ready for more kiddos. I hear it gets easier the more kids you have but I'm still waiting to see if that is really true :) Enjoy your little girl, she's precious!

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  15. I really wish more people would think this way. Relax and enjoy what you have now. One day it may change and you'll look back and realize how sweet those moments were, even if it means a bigger home, more things, etc.. I look back on the small apartment my husband and I had when we were first married and I miss it some days. We didn't have a lot, I burned almost everything I cooked, I was in school, we lived in a noisy college complex... but I miss it none-the-less.
    I love his answer of "half" ... ha! My husband too sees another kid as a bunch of dollar signs. Yes, they are expensive, but once they are in your arms... ooooh.. the love will get you thru. ;)

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  16. TOTALLY know what you mean!!!!!
    Looks like you got your "voice" back! :)

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  17. I love posts like these because it reminds me, The Queen of Worry, that motherhood can happen - even if you haven't yet checked off your entire bucket list beforehand! I am thirty next year, and we are thinking of starting the trying next Fall 2013 - and I get overwhelmed at the thought of a real LIVE little person here in as early as 27 months, but then everyone around me goes, "But it's worth every frazzled moment." :) Funny enough, I just ordered a parenting book about parenting with less - aka the right way. I love seeing your little spaces because, frankly, that's what makes a family. These little things - growing together, hand-me-downs, silly moments, a pound of coffee before noon. I'm sure of it!

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  18. Aww, I am so happy you had such a wonderful first Mother's Day! Three kids has always been my dream, too, but of course I need to find my husband first!

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