April 5, 2012

on playing catch-up...

Things have been a tad bit hectic around here for the past few weeks. Mostly due to Eisley's sleep schedule being a living nightmare that has left me an emotional, dirty, crabby, and frustrated human being (I'm nothing if not dramatic, obviously). It is difficult when you feel like no matter what you do, nothing is getting better, and you feel like you're failing fast.

After not getting more than two consecutive hours of sleep for a few weeks, you start slowly transforming into Kate Gosselin (not so much the haircut, but more along the lines of angry, emotional demon woman) and realize that all you really want in life is to take a shower more than twice a week. And to take a nap without feeling like you should be doing something more important instead—like vacuuming the floorboards or meal planning or doing pilates or shaving your legs.

Anyway, the past two days have felt like a breath of fresh air. It feels 100% different. All of a sudden, without changing anything at all, Eisley is napping, sleeping better at night, not being a complete fuss-budget during the day, and I'm feeling like I'm no longer holding on by a thread. I've been able to work on some new items for the shop, organize my poor excuse for a crafting nook, answer a few emails, actually wear something other than yoga pants before noon, and enjoy a little bit of sunshine during the day.

And Eisley? She is absolutely amazing. The girl never stops moving and is busy crawling all over the duplex and has even stood on her own several times in the past week. She loves books, trying to destroy my picture frames, bath time, sweet potatoes, and giggling at my shenanigans. She keeps me both busy and overjoyed. She's nearly eight months old. It's hard to comprehend how quickly she's growing up. And I want to capture all these moments before they're gone.

I do feel like I've lost my blogging mojo, though. I've been thinking a lot about it lately. I hesitated to mention it, initially, because it sounds like I'm just asking for attention—which isn't it at all. I keep wanting to write, and I write posts in my head while on our daily stroll through the neighborhood, or while cooking dinner. But I can't seem to muster up the motivation (or something I can't quite put my finger on) to actually sit down and post what I want to. Sometimes I feel like I'm just adding to the noise around here, and that is never what I've wanted to do.

I don't think I'll ever be a stylish mommy blogger, or creative enough to share adorable tutorials, or someone who starts a revolution with their words. I'm not sure why I feel this ridiculous need to live up to some standard, but I do. Nowadays, at least. I kind of want to go back to just writing to write, and not worrying about the response or if it's good enough to press "publish". Once I start thinking that way, I know that I need to step back (which is why I've been missing around here lately).

Well, I'm going to go eat second lunch (it's a thing, I swear) and see if I can clear my head a bit. The wee one has been asleep for a couple hours, and I'm going to enjoy the silence while it lasts.

19 comments :

  1. "I don't think I'll ever be a stylish mommy blogger, or creative enough to share adorable tutorials, or someone who starts a revolution with their words. ... I kind of want to go back to just writing to write, and not worrying about the response or if it's good enough to press "publish"."

    I hear ya.

    Glad things are on an upswing. Just keep swimming. :)

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  2. I can totally relate to this post. And this is why I love you. I think you SHOULD continue to write. I am mad at myself for not blogging the girls' milestones better. I fell under the same trapped mindset that you mentioned. I am trying to get back into it and look at is as more of a journal than a blog, in hopes that it helps me keep up with it.

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  3. I'd love to read your candid writing :) this is your space.. do with it what you want!

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  4. I know how you feel when you say that you write out posts in your head but can't muster up the motivation to write it out for the blog. I've been super busy with some new happenings in my life & the same thing has been happening to me for weeks now. I get these random great ideas, but then by the end of the day I just dont have the energy to do it. I've come to realize that it's okay though - because at the end of the day I'm spending time with my family (instead of the computer...) & I'm sure you are too :)

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  5. as long as you don't go the kate gosselin hair route i'd say you're doing a great job. also if you continue to put eisley in adorable little hats, then i'd say you're winning there too.

    heart you.

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  6. Don't worry about the blogging world... it is lovely to be a part of but certainly should not be an added drain or an expectation to live up to... your blog is a lovely document of YOU and your life, and is therefor on no one else's schedule but your own. And, quite frankly, I like YOU just the way YOU are and your blog just the way it is. So don't change. LOVE, HUGS, & caffeine. :P xo

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  7. Yours is a blog that I truly enjoy reading. You have a unique perspective and an honesty that is hard to come by in this blogging world. Most blogs I just glaze over the words and look at some pictures. Yours I actually read!

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  8. I so often have those very same issues with my own blog and blog motivation. Add depression and OCD and you have a paranoid, non-motivated, inspiration-lacking, all-I-wanna-do-is-sleep mess... BUT. I keep pushing myself, 'cause I know I'll be happier if I do.

    *hug*

    You write for YOU. I love your posts, you certainly don't need to fit into the groove anyone else has worked themselves into - I mean, I have my own little groove in the blog world and no one better invade! ;) So make your own, or better yet, keep up this sweet groove you've had for years and don't worry.

    P.S. Glad Eisley is sleeping better! I wish I could be, haha.

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  9. When I first discovered your blog a year or two ago, I used to love going through the old archived posts that hardly had any comments. Those were my favorites ever. They were just carefree and funny. I liked how much your personality came through and it was fun to feel like I was getting to know you. They didn't feel forced and the topics weren't necessarily epic (or even happy). So I would say, be yourself! I think that is probably what people love about your blog. But that's just my two cents. Have a nice day!

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  10. I enjoy reading your blog don't go away :)

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  11. I enjoy reading your blog don't go away :)

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  12. Kerry I can really relate -my little boy is 8 months old now and I found myself almost unable to have a second to myself or a straight thought for a few months there (on top of the baby I also have a hyper 4 year old so, please, kill me any time you like. Now I know why baby's are so adorable, to trick you into having more, lol). Now I'm feeling as though I'm on top a little again (although, thanks Pneumonia, you have slowed me down.... as if a new mum needed pneumonia!!!). I have been trying to sleep more when the baby sleeps and I don't have my little girl, but it's hard. I can't turn my brain off. Gah. Keep your chin up. Eventually kids do sleep through and you do end up feeling semi-human again. If you're still breastfeeding also you'll be DRAINED to hell. I just stopped feeding my little boy and I feel bad because I fed my girl until she was 17months like some sort of breastfeeding warrior. But I hated it at the end. This time the baby is so big he eats waaaaay more than I can ever give him so as soon as took a bottle I was so happy -overjoyed wouldn't be a lie. Just try to take a break adn don't even pilate if you don't want to. Your walk a day would be enough. Just be easy on yourself. You'll look back on this time and realise how mental new babies are when Eisley's a little older. And you're far from your family too, as I am from mine, so that means less hands to help (or none!!). Go easy, relax more, and don't worry if you never ever feel like you cooked enough meals or did as many things as you should have. You're your daughter's gem, and as long as she sees the best in you, that's the main thing xxxx

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  13. I totally relate to the feeling of not being able to just sit down and write, no matter how much you want to! I write posts in my head daily but something continues to stop me from sitting down to let them come flooding out. I think the major barrier is just what you said - feeling the need to have those words (especially when coming off a "dry spell") to be particularly poignant or awe-inspiring or perfect. But I've found that when I've been out of the game a while, the most amazing and wonderful energy comes back to me when I just take the first step and write a post that I haven't crafted and drafted a million times over in my head but have simply just poured out my feelings on the page. It's like a release of this pressure I didn't even know I had building up! I hope that is what this has done for you and I hope it's left you feeling refreshed and encouraged. Also, when you're so close to something, it's hard to see the big picture that someone else sees from the outside. While you may not consider yourself a "stylish mommy blogger" it is your blog that inspired me to start mine and no matter how long you go between posts or how few showers you take, the personality you breathe into your words and the moments that you choose to share inspire me. So enjoy every bit of happiness you can with Eisley (or with your elusive silence), and the next time you feel the blog bug bite you, just press publish! It reminds me to do the same. :)

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  14. You already are a stylish mommyblogger, my dear! You're amazing & doing a great job.

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  15. I hope you will continue to write! I enjoy your blog, pre and post-baby. I don't think you should force yourself to fit into any mommy blogger mold. Just keep being you.

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  16. Oh hun, please do not stop writing! I look forward to your posts! And we all understand that life is busy, especially with a little one! Take your time and get to your blog when you can. No worries if we have to wait a minute or two. We'll survive. I promise ;-)

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  17. "I keep wanting to write, and I write posts in my head while on our daily stroll through the neighborhood, or while cooking dinner. But I can't seem to muster up the motivation (or something I can't quite put my finger on) to actually sit down and post what I want to."

    Oi, that.. is.. me. I realized I used to love blogging and lately, despite an endless reel of post ideas and things I really want to write, I can't seem to sit down and do any of it. I just don't have the.. energy? Interest? I have no idea! I also feel the standards pressure. I'm not a tutorial person because when I do bake or make something, I just flat do it - I never think to carefully photograph each step or take the time to put the best lighting on my cupcake so that's worthy of a post, ya know? LOL.

    Now I'M rambling. But I just had to comment for once (creeeeeeppperrrrr!) because it's funny to hear the same thoughts in my head echoed here, where you're one of my favorite blogs because it IS just your regular 'ol life. <3

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  18. I can relate to this so much! So often I think something would be a great idea for a post and then I start asking myself "who actually CARES about this?" and it never gets published. I have way more drafts saved than live posts. I feel like I don't fit in any real niche. I kind of hate it when someone asks me what my blog is about because I don't know what to tell them. "Me rambling on about nothing" doesn't seem like the best way to encourage readership :)

    But I love reading your blog! As someone above said, yours is one that I actually enjoy reading and look forward to.

    And oh, the sleeping. What is with these babies? Eli did awesome for a week and then had a couple nights of sheer terror. Hopefully they all figure out that sleeping is awesome very soon. Thank goodness they're cute.

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  19. I just want to say that I love your blog. How honest, fun and real you are. It actually inspires me to be myself more, because I think I am a lot like you, but I live "in my head a lot" :)

    I can relate to the sleep deprivation.....just know that it will pass!

    Hope you are having a good week and know that all of your readers out here think you do start revolutions with your words. Even if you are not aware of it :)

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