November 14, 2011

on five things I do to annoy my husband...

After nearly six years of marriage, one thing you have surely perfected is pushing the buttons of your spouse. It's not necessarily a bad thing, either. As long as you keep it fairly light and in moderation—and as long as your husband or wife doesn't have a short fuse. Jay is calm to a fault. I hardly see him worked up, which is probably why I can get away with more shenanigans than the average wife. He, on the other hand, gets more than an earful on a regular basis. (Granted, the man routinely leaves toenail clippings on various surfaces around the house. I mean, honestly. I could die.)


Anyway, I thought I'd share a list of my favorite ways to (lovingly) annoy my husband:

1. Incredibly vague movie references.

I quote movies constantly, expecting him to know exactly what I'm talking about. The problem is that I don't quote normal movies; I'm usually spouting off lines from some movie from the 90s that only my sisters or best friend would have any memory of. I'll say something and wait for him to get the reference, and then finally say, "So…do you know what that's from?" He's started to just shout out random movies he knows I've quoted from before, hoping he'll magically guess right so I'll stop talking. Actually, let's see how many of you can get a few of my favorites (answers at the bottom of the post):

"Snakes…snakes…I don't know no snakes…"
"He's losing his mind…and I'm reaping all the benefits!"
"PRANCER lives in the SHED behind my HOUSE!"
"It tastes like paint…and wood."

2. My Creed voice.

It's no secret that I'm the world's last Creed fan. I'm sorry, but there's just something about "Higher" that will always make my soul soar. I will not apologize for this. Having said that, I do a fantastic impression of the lead singer, and (unfortunately) my vocal stylings sometimes make their way into many other non-Creed songs. Sometimes I'll be belting out something in the car and Jay is all, "Really? I didn't know Creed sang this song. Interesting." And I'm all like, "Don't judge me, Nancy."

3. Human blanket.

Yes, it's probably just as creepy as it sounds. This little trick can be accomplished in just four simple steps:
  • Find husband (who has been watching football and ignoring you for the past four hours).
  • Lay completely on top of husband (conveniently blocking his view of the television).
  • Scream out, "HUMAN BLANKET!"
  • Prepare to be shoved off the couch.
4. Overusing trendy phrases.

For the longest time, my favorite go-to word was "ridic". As in, "I can't believe the line at Ikea is so long. This is totally ridic." However, now I have taken it to the next level and try to use the phrase "totes cray-cray" at least once a day. As in, "Eisley took a three hour nap today—it was totes cray-cray!" I have a secret hope that he'll hear it so much that he'll accidentally say it at work or something, then victory will be mine.

5. Being a "backseat cook".

Up until I started staying at home with Eisley, Jay was the one who did the majority of the cooking. (And, actually, he still does a lot of it. He's just better than I am at cooking.) Anyhow, I've had to force myself to leave the kitchen while he's preparing a meal because I go, quite frankly, totes cray-cray. He's the messiest cook alive, so he'll scatter food remnants and dishes and spices and spoons and everything else within his reach all over the kitchen. It's my nightmare. If I do end up in the kitchen, I follow him around washing things he's not done using and breaking out in hives. Also, even though I can hardly remember a time he's prepared something I didn't absolutely adore, I hate watching him season things. I'll watch him put pepper on a salmon fillet for what feels like five minutes, and then I'm all like, "ENOUGH WITH THE PEPPER ALREADY." Needless to say, I try to stay away and just enjoy the food he makes. (And obsessively clean up afterwards.)

Okay, time for all of you to spill. What do you do to (lovingly) annoy your significant other?

The answers to my incredibly vague movie references are: Home Alone (I could quote this movie for days—you have no idea), The Wedding Singer, Prancer, Dennis the Menace. If you guessed them all correctly, you are my new soul mate.

48 comments :

  1. I love the idea of this post. So funny!

    Also, I totes use the phrase "cray cray." (Also, I obviously use the word "totes," but only in writing, almost never orally.) I even got my husband to start saying it (even if he does only use it to mock me...)!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ha. The Creed voice. That's definitely one of Kyle's way of annoying me. He will sing EVERY SONG in the Creed voice. Eye stab.

    And p.s. I now want to use cray cray. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I knew the first two movie quotes, had to think about Home Alone a little longer 'cause it's been so long, but Wedding Singer I got right away.

    Joel hates the way my lip gloss feels so I always try to kiss his neck when I'm wearing it. I think it's funnier than I probably should, he looks so funny swiping at the spot I kissed him. It's even better if I was wearing it & it rubbed off already so he's just looking silly for no reason.

    ReplyDelete
  4. HAHA This post made me laugh out loud and I can totally see you doing all these things!

    Things I Do To Drive Jimmy Bonkers:

    1- I complain about him not washing the dishes, yet I leave all my used water glasses everywhere.
    2- If I can't' sleep, I won't let him either.
    3- I don't hang up my towel.
    4- I never put the cap back on the toothpaste.
    5- I ask for a glass of water just as he walked up the stairs and is getting ready to sleep.

    What a punk!

    ReplyDelete
  5. One is Home Alone. The last one is Dennis the Menace....yessssss. You've stumped me on the other two. I annoy my husband in a multitude of ways. My favorite is to put my ice cold feet on his warm legs when we are laying in bed. bwhaha.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow. I totally love this! You guys are like me and my hubby, but opposite. I does way more of that kind of stuff to me. I secretly like it...but I will never admit it to him! Ha!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh man, the toe nail clippings and the messy cooking is totally my husband too!

    Anyways, LOVE this post. And I think it's true as well, it's good to push each other's buttons to some extent. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. "...he SOUNDED like a snake."

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lol wow, didn't know a single one of those references.

    This is an adorable list! Although I'm not sure that's the point of it. :P Hmm, as for mine...

    1. Asking lots of questions. All the time. As if Andy = Wikipedia. (And to make me stop, he will remind me that he is NOT in fact Wikipedia.) Bonus points if I interrupt while he is watching TV and/or in the middle of reading.

    2. Forgetting to shower until he tells me to. Lol not like altogether -- but he likes to get ready for bed around 10, and I always INTEND to do it at the same time, but then I get distracted by the internet, and the dog, and the latest book I'm reading, and next thing you know it's almost 11 and he's been wanting to sleep for half an hour!

    I'll stop there so this comment doesn't go on forever. I'm sure there are more, but let's pretend there aren't? ;P

    ReplyDelete
  10. Haha, this post is JUST what I needed at the end of today. You made me laugh outloud quietly to myself (shhh the kids are sleeping! Musn't wake the beasts)
    I am SO GLAD you mentioned the nastay toenail clippings thing b/c I thought I was the only wife being tortured like this. I get so freakin grossed out by it. Why husbands, whyyyy??

    You might also enjoy knowing that TJ is a Creed fan as well and just this last weekend was playing My Own Prison for Isaiah in his man cave whilst singing along. I walked in and was like WHOA! Is it 1998 again!? So, you guys are cute ;D

    There's really not enough room here for me to list the things I do to annoy TJ on the daily. haha, I'm such a pest.
    He's always trying to employ the whole "If I ignore her she'll stop" method but NOPE. Not this girl. I will keep on keepin' on until i get a reaction which is only mildly annoying I'm sure. But really, that's what he gets for marrying someone 8 yrs younger ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is the cutest post I have ever read. That human blanket thing is pure gold!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ha ha ha this is funny! It's funny...my boyfriend is quite the cuddler...unless college football is on...he turns into a total guy and is not having those cuddly moments! :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I can't think of anything that I do that's annoying. I'm the calm, patient, sane one. He's the goofball. One of his favorite ways to torture me is to sing Good King Wenceslas in a high-pitched voice.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I love that you have a quote from Dennis the Menace on here. I regularly quote, "GD garden lanterns!"

    ReplyDelete
  15. O.M.GEEE!! This is the best post ever!! Okay so the toenails?!? I thought my husband was the only disgusting freak who did this, BUT I can top it...

    Not only does my husband clip his toenails/fingernails and leave them all over random surfaces...wait for it...he clips them and feeds them to our freaking dog!!!!! (barf, rech, excuse me while I clean the vomit from my shoes) No joke, our dog eats them up like candy and it turns my stomach each and every time. J knows this and thinks it's hilarious! UGH!!

    Another one of my favorites? Leaving his dirty clothes, on the floor, NEXT to the hamper! Like really? You couldn't have thrown them 2 inches to the right?!

    One that annoys him?? When I clean dishes or use the sink, I turn the water off while it's turned to BOILING hot. So when he goes to wash his hands, he gets scalded. My response? Seriously?!? Who just turns the water on and sticks their hands other without checking it first?!? :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hahaha, this was fantastic. I totally mentioned the toenail-clipping habit in our little "Newlyweds" interview on the cruise ship on our honeymoon. I'm the worst.

    Let's see...I started to list everything and then realized that most of my annoying habits revolve around my having no realistic concept of how long things are going to take me, so I end up gabbing on the phone too long, visiting with my parents for two extra hours, or making him wait 15 more minutes for me to blow-dry my hair.

    Also, I quote the little British boy from that YouTube video: "Ow, Charlie, that really hurt! And it's still...hurting!" For some reason, he fails to see the cuteness.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm lucky. My significant other uses the trendy abbreviations of words even more than I do. I can't count how many times he's used the word "Obvy" on facebook, only to be totes judged by his friends. :) My fave is totes jelly!
    Also, I'm pretty sure my brother Mark is still into Creed. You should check with him on that.
    The number one thing I do to annoy my man is eating food on his bed. I always leave crumbs. :) I just want to remind him of me! Haha.

    ReplyDelete
  18. "I think I just fell in love with you."
    "O, Violet, I'm not a lesbian. I played in the minors but never went pro."
    "Um... not what I..."


    (What movie is THAT from?)

    ReplyDelete
  19. OH. I wrote that quote because this post made me fall in love with you again. No homo. :P

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well, I got three of the four movie references! I haven't seen this Prancer movie, will have to check it out since you obviously have great taste in movies!! Which means you like the same movies I do(classics), not that they're cinematic gems or anything!

    And, I'm glad you wrote about your hubby and his toe-nail situation...I woke up to them on my coffee table this morning. I..uh...just...I can't even. So gross.

    In our house, it's my husband that seems to think it's his life's goal to DRIVE ME CRAZY. ahah And I'm a suuuuper easy target! So gullible!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I died when I saw you, too, use the phrase "totes cray cray." My friend and I constantly annoy our husbands with the use of our "abbreavs" and "totes cray cray" is the best. Ha. And love the movie references... knew them all! My other favorite line from Wedding Singer... "They were cones!" :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. These are fab! My annoying habit is that I like to sit as close as humanly possible to my bf when we're at home or on the train (commuting to work). I just like to smoosh him until he pays me more attention!

    ReplyDelete
  23. About once a week I will find toenail clippings on the coffee table and/or his night stand. No matter how many times I ask him to clean up after I always find a pile. Yuck!

    My husband is super calm as well so it takes a lot to bug him. One thing I do is take his pillow. I love to cuddle next to a pillow so when I get into bed I immediately grab his pillow (if he isn't coming to bed yet) and then I fall asleep easier/faster. He knows that if I am asleep then it will be impossible to get his pillow back. He never wants to wake the sleeping giant (his nickname for me).

    ReplyDelete
  24. This cracks me up! My Hub leaves his toenail clippings out too, ugh! I think I am a second guesser, on a lot of things--driving, cooking, baby supply decisions, etc. He is a pretty good sport though!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Making him watch any Kardashian related shows and Breaking Dawn.

    He can name each of the Kardashian - Jenner sisters now. I am so proud. Haha.

    ReplyDelete
  26. ahhhhh! i love you, kerri! dennis the menace and home alone?! i seriously thought my sisters and i were the only ones who'd know:)

    ReplyDelete
  27. The "Human Blanket" made me LOL.... :)

    I think I drive my husband J craziest with my "German" attitude.. (which he claims to love the most about me at the same time). I like things "my way", I like to have things in a certain order and oh, when my husband works in the kitchen (which he rarely does, I'd like to add), he does exactly the same thing as Jay... make a mess! :) (Must be a "J"-thing :)).

    ReplyDelete
  28. I do something similar to the 'Human Blanket' which is called the 'Human Heater' - it's basically a warmth stealing mechanism :) And overusing trendy phrases - who doesn't do that?! :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. ahaahahaha. Annoying my husband is totally my game.

    His least favorite is when I plop my pregnant self on his lap while he's in his computer chair...haha.

    I also bought him shampoo with conditioner cause he refused to use it if it was separate. He swears it's girly, hah. In the end he conceded.

    I also constantly do my celebrity gossip reading on his computer so it shows up in his autocomplete search bar and his internet history. <3

    I know there are tons of other things, I just can't remember them now. And he trolls me right back, so don't think I'm this terrible wife now :-P

    ReplyDelete
  30. I love you for using that The Wedding Singer quote. I say that ALL THE TIME. All the time.

    And of course all creepy-like like John Lovitz, OF COURSE.

    ReplyDelete
  31. both my husband and i are super silly, so the words i have started are absorbed into our lives and it's great! ie- binoculars (to replace- that's crazy), yikes-a-be (from win a date w tad hamilton), and jokingly saying fetch (mean girls). lately stuff from parks and rec are a part of my dialect: awesomesauce, chicky chic. etc. so goofy. another thing i do is say normal words but add a 'y' sound to it. so snacky, shaky shake, etc.
    i'm a backseat driver, but mostly because he goes on autopilot wherever we go and misses turns. almost every time i hold my tongue we miss the turn, so i have learned to just say it in a gentle reminder tone and not a bossy one. gets us to our destination happily and on time ;)
    another thing i do is leave my dirty clothes (might wear again... but usually i don't) right by my side of the bed. it used to annoy him a lot, but now he does it too! i feel so bad that i 'gave' him that trait, but oh well!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Totally stealing the human blanket idea.

    LOVE IT!

    ReplyDelete
  33. I am totally going to start saying "totes cray-cray"! I always say 'redic' and 'welc'. I freaking love this post... I love annoying my fiancé so much. He even bought me an actual card that said "I love you more and more everyday....except for yesterday...yesterday you were pretty annoying"

    ReplyDelete
  34. Ok movie lines. I only got two. The Wedding Singer and Prancer?

    Love Prancer!

    ReplyDelete
  35. I confess- I fill doors and wait quietly for Husband to walk through.

    You stand in the door frame and stretch you arms up to the far corners f the door and your feet in either corner and wait. When the door opens my poor unsuspecting husband tries to walk out of the room he tries to walk through me and gets instead the fright of his life!

    I might be pure evil?!

    ReplyDelete
  36. oh kerri i love this post! justin and i are very similar :) he does the messy cooking thing(he is a chef so i think he thinks its an industrial kitchen with a cleanup crew like work) and i go around being pesky and anxious, i also do a similar human blanket thiny where i walk in front of him ten times then just sit on him so he cant see and make him talk to me :)

    you guys are soo cute!

    ReplyDelete
  37. this made me giggle so much. and i am so going to try the human blanket on matt. i know he will appreciate it, haha.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Oh girl, I am all about the overuse of trendy phrases. I can promise victory WILL be yours, my hubs totally tried to drop "Whatevs" casually into a conversation after months of giving me hell about it. It. Was. Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  39. LOVED this.

    I tell my husband that he loves me. And that I'm pretty. And that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him. Pretty much tell myself all the things he is SO thinking, but obviously didn't think to say out loud.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I am glad to hear that this toenail thing is common because it happens at my house, too. Ick.

    It annoys my husband when I leave a soda can with soda still in it.

    He can't stand when I lay down on the couch just mere minutes/hours before bed, and then fall asleep. He wonders why I don't just go to bed.

    I know there are other things, but this is all I can think of right now. Your post was hilarious! Thanks for that gem!

    ReplyDelete
  41. The human blanket thing made me laugh so hard I cried—I think it's because I know it will annoy my fiance, so I'm definitely doing it.

    The one thing that I love doing to Zachary is touching him with the bottoms of my feet. He hates the bottoms of feet because they "make his skin feel dry." I'm not sure how that works, but it's fun.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Human Blanket...so funny! I can piture totally picture how this would go down at my house. I can't wait to try it!

    ReplyDelete
  43. And I officially am now an even bigger fan of yours! You're totes awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  44. I tried the human blanket thing last night to Zachary. He laughed. I was little disappointed that he wasn't annoyed by it. I think he just liked the attention. Dang it.

    ReplyDelete
  45. haha i love this!!! so cute :)

    ReplyDelete
  46. i'm definitely trying the human blanket on my husband. He watches turkish soap operas on Youtube for far too long in any stretch (no, really). Unfortunately I can't get away with many shenanigans though.. Iranians don't have much patience at the best of times. The only thing i can really annoy him with is far too many details from my lunch dates with friends. He hates too many details and I love them. So he hears all about what we ate and what my friend's brother's wife is doing. He does crack occasionally and tell me to stop :) It is lovely and satisfying.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Hahaha, that was my favorite scene from Dennis the Menace. Mr. Wilson is my fave.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I totally Human Blanket Kirk all the time and he just lays there! He goes "yay" in a little voice and then lays there. I HATE IT. It's like he knows I'm trying to be annoying!

    ReplyDelete

Thoughts? Questions? General musings? Do share!

If you are asking a question, I will respond here within the comments—so, be sure to click that handy little "notify me" box below to know when I've replied!