November 7, 2011

on a few scattered thoughts...

Sometimes I spend the whole day worrying about not getting enough done. And even when I cross most items off my to-do list by the end of the day, it still doesn't feel like enough. I don't know why I'm like this. The pressure I put on myself is almost crushing some days. There's just no way I can possibly live up to my own expectations, yet it's impossible to let them go.


Sometimes all I need in life is to organize the laundry into neat piles, all by myself. It makes me feel like I have at least something under control.

Sometimes I look at my daughter and I still can't believe she's real. She's changing every single day. And it kind of takes my breath away.

Sometimes I obsess over where my life will be one year from now. Two years from now. Five years from now. Tiny details, like what my favorite shoes will look like, whether or not I'll have learned how to be a good cook, how Jay and I will spend our evenings. Big things, like if we'll have another little girl (or little boy!), what street we'll be living on, whether or not I've accomplished any of my creative goals.

Sometimes I miss things like reading a book for hours, going for a run whenever I see fit, drinking a little too much wine, spending money on things like white chocolate mochas or the perfect yellow cardigan—without worrying about spending money I shouldn't be spending.

Sometimes I'll hear a song and it will sweep me up and away. I'll be seventeen again, sitting in my room, swooning over a boy who will never really see me. I'll be a little girl on summer vacation, sitting in the back of the car with my sisters. I'll be on my own for the first time, driving along the beach, full of wonder and hope about my new life in California.

Sometimes there are things I want to change about myself. My style, my hair color, the way I act around people I don't know very well. There are hundreds of tiny things I think should perhaps be changed, improved, better managed. But then I'll have a really good day and realize that maybe I'm doing just fine. That I'm okay.

Sometimes I think too much, worry too much, care too much.

Sometimes I'll have the perfect day. Like when Jay randomly finds $80 on the ground, when my hair is extra shiny, when I find the perfect pair of almost-new yoga pants at a thrift store for only six dollars, when Eisley is all smiles and no tears, when I am able to go to bed with a clean kitchen and thankful heart.

16 comments :

  1. You and I both, Kerri. I share your thoughts, self-doubts and questions.

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  2. When Gabe was very little, I read a great article in one of those stupid magazines they start sending you for free as soon as you have a kid. Normally, I find them to be basically just telling you all the stuff you need to buy for your kid, but I found this particular article very helpful.

    It was about a girl who was always very to-do list driven. After having a kid, she'd get so discouraged when she didn't get much done each day. Then she realized that just snuggling her baby, being present to her baby was the season of life she was in. And all her to-do lists weren't even a smidgen as important as that.

    It's hard to remember sometimes, but I try. <3

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  3. "Sometimes there are things I want to change about myself. My style, my hair color, the way I act around people I don't know very well. There are hundreds of tiny things I think should perhaps be changed, improved, better managed. But then I'll have a really good day and realize that maybe I'm doing just fine. That I'm okay."

    That. Totally that.

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  4. I feel so connected to this post. I can relate to almost everything you wrote. I don't think any of us will ever have it all together, but that's the beauty of life. It's majestic in its messiness.

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  5. Wow. I so completely relate to this post! Especially the laundry folding thing. My husband doesn't understand when I shoo him away from the laundry basket because I want to have my nice, organized piles, folded just so! Have you ever read Kate Andre's blog? She's one of my faves! You might enjoy reading this post: http://kateandre.com/2011/10/27/help-i-am-a-stay-at-home-mom/

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  6. "-when I am able to go to bed with a clean kitchen and thankful heart."

    I love that ending!

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  7. I needed that. I keep thinking about the future and I just need to enjoy today! Thanks

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  8. I worry as well - about so much, often silly stuff. Often, I worry about something that can't happen, or isn't happening, because of my OCD. I take medication for that, and my anxiety and still, thoughts will slip into my mind. They can surely take over, such as worrying I'll be mugged while getting the mail (we live in an extremely safe neighborhood) and so on.

    I wonder about the future, but I do enjoy today, as much as I can. Today and every day.

    I get all emotional and down if I worry about what I need to clean, what I SHOULD be doing, etc. It's often than that I get a big hug, cuddle and soothing words from Jen - whether I know I need them or not. She'll often comfort me and chase away my worries, leaving me with pleasant thoughts. <3 And I can only hope I do the same for her!

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  9. I remember feeling this way. After I would get my baby to bed I would stay up late and cry while doing the dishes and ironing my husbands shirt for the next day.
    I remember being overwhelmed and just plain tired with our first.
    Then I read the verse "with every thing give thanks"
    When i started being discouraged I would turn it into praise and it helped a lot
    My heart changed a lot my first year as a momma. I had to let go of a lot that I thought made me "me" and it was SO HARD, but in the end I found someone I really wanted to be and never knew...God knows your heart and what it really wants. Have faith in the beautiful molding that is happening!
    Love your blog and your words...
    xo
    Lyss

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  10. I love you.
    Oh, and your thoughts are beautiful...
    as are you.
    That is all.

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  11. It's nice to know that even though everyone is different, we sometimes share the same worries.

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  12. I agree with Molly.

    It really shouldn't surprise me at this point anymore, but I'm still always in awe of how similar our inner selves are. I'm going to tell you and your inner self what I always try to tell mine...you are okay. In fact, you are more than okay. You're fabulous. : )

    Okay, so maybe I don't tell myself I'm fabulous. But that doesn't mean I can't say it to you!

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  13. You are fantastic. No matter what's happening in our lives, we all go through feelings like this. I think you're doing a great job, keep it up. :)

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  14. Im a worry wort and perfectionist too so I feel you!

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  15. I could have written this! ♥ I feel you completely.

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