September 10, 2011

on my current state of mind...

The wee one will be one month old in just three days. Three days. I can hardly believe it, as I swear that mere days ago I was lying on my back, writhing through contractions and asking the nurse for the fifteenth time, "Do I seriously have to keep this oxygen mask thing on my face? Have I mentioned I'm slightly claustrophobic? Also, am I seriously having a baby right now because this is insane."


One thing that I greatly underestimated was just how much time in my day a newborn was going to take up. (It doesn't help that I've always put way too much pressure on myself. Naturally.) I know it's silly, but I had visions of my child sleeping constantly, giving me ample time to spend time with visiting family, enjoy several naps each day, post thoughtful commentary on my blog, answer the heaps of messages crowding my inbox, and, you know, do generally mommish things like starting a baby book, perfecting the art of the swaddle and learning to like black coffee.

For the record, I have yet to even purchase a baby book, my child is apparently too squirrelly for a decent swaddle, and I can still only stand regular coffee if it is equal parts coffee and caramel/vanilla creamer.

In any case, Eisley has been here nearly a month and I already can't imagine life without her. It's like she's always been here, as cliché as it sounds.

I'm sleepy. Very sleepy. And overwhelmed. And have too many moments that involve me holding my screaming daughter, thinking that I'm not cut out for this because I apparently can't even soothe my own child and WHY IS JAY SNORING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE GOOD LORD. Half the time being a mom feels completely natural, and the other half of the time I feel like a little girl trying to learn how to rollerskate, all awkward and frustrated and ready to sit on the sidelines so people don't judge me.

Luckily, all it takes is a milky, middle-of-the-night grin from my little girl to shake the self-doubt from my heart and overwhelm me with gratitude and joy.

And as far as Jay is concerned, he has been a lifesaver, truly. I start sweating when I realize he has to go back to work next week, which means I will no longer have him to watch Eisley in the morning so I can get a couple hours of solid sleep after a long night (lately, Eisley has taken to sleeping no longer than an hour, which is good times). And when I start to freak out, he won't be there to come in with his calm, collected ways, seemingly unaffected by a hollering newborn. And when I need a little pick-me-up in the afternoon, he won't be around to give me a mid-nursing-session ice cream sandwich or remind me of french fry baby. I know I'll be okay, but having him here these past several weeks has been completely and utterly fantastic in a million little ways.

I'm so lucky to have a husband that is such a huge help every single day. (Even when he passes gas into the couch cushions and blames it on the baby. We're not falling for it, guy.)

All in all, things are wonderful. I get weepy at least once a day (which I hear is normal) and worry entirely too much (about stupid things, too, like, "What if I'm holding her while walking on a cliff and accidentally drop her off the side of the mountain? OMIGOSH, IT COULD HAPPEN!"). But life is good. Busy, sleepless, milky, and covered in baby poo—but good just the same. Wonderful, even. I know these first weeks are all about learning how to be a mom, really. And I know that if there's ever a time to give myself a break (and be okay with not doing it all at once, all perfectly) it is now.

Maybe I should just count my blessings and eat another cupcake. And try out this thing they call "sleeping when the baby sleeps". Amen.

23 comments :

  1. I know how you feel. Well, not totally, because I have no kids, but I fully identify with your thoughts about the passing of time. A month can go by so fast. Just don't blink. She might be in college when you open your eyes.

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  2. Wow, almost a month already?! Time is flying! (And that french fry baby thing made me snort with laughter).

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  3. Yes. To all of this. Yes to giving yourself a break and yes to it all going too quickly.
    It's so hard but it is so SO worth it. Miss Eisley is lucky to have you. I'm sure you'll both start to figure each other out and life will become much easier (at least that's what I tell myself when Sir fills his shorts mere seconds after a change.)
    You are doing an excellent job, lady. It will be difficult when Jay goes back to work but you are going to rock it.

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  4. I can't believe she is already a month old! Feels like you were just tweeting the other day that you were going into labor! My oh my!!!!!
    Sounds like you are doing wonderful, I agree with Hillary, Eisley is so lucky to have you!

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  5. Sounds like you are a perfect mom!!! Don't worry, Kerri, you are doing everything right. Why? Because it's you, your husband and your baby. YOU make the right or wrong. You're an amazing woman, with a fantastic head on your shoulders (both smart AND pretty, amen.) So take a deep breath. You've got this, miss.

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  6. Here is something to consider (remember). Everything she experiences is new. It's a first time for her. A breeze, her own tummy gas, a noise, startling awake. Every little thing is a brand new experience she's never had. How crazy would that be? She'll get through this phase as she gets used to her body and life around her. And things will stabilize. It will get easier. So when she cries, remember that she just had her first ______ and she's reacting to that. She's so very luck to have you (both) there to soothe her and be with her as she experiences all these firsts...because they will move fast (as you've already noticed).

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  7. Congrats on your precious baby! I felt very much the same way with my first and dreaded my hubby returning to work (could I cook AND watch a baby?! what do I do with her when I have to go to the bathroom?!) but it will all become second nature before long! Just savor those moments!

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  8. What a sweet, authentic post. This is why we blog and why we read blogs!! Thank you for sharing. xo

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  9. I had the exact same type of crazy worries with my first! It is so refreshing to hear that I'm not the only one! It gets so much easier. Sounds like you are doing wonderfully!!

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  10. I second MIchelle's comment! I am 10 weeks until my due date and am anticipating future posts just like this!! Hoping and praying you get a little rest soon :)

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  11. You sound very happy. Truly very happy. I love how you see the wonderfulness and amazingness although you are sleepy and exhausted and overwhelmed at times.

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  12. I love the way you write. It can totally hear your voice and feel your peace and excitement and fears and it's just really, really beautiful.

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  13. I selfishly love your current emotions because my baby is 3 weeks old today, so I'm glad to know it's ok to eat ice cream sandwiches while nursing. Kidding. I'm glad to know not everyone is a calm and collected mom right from the start...for some of us, it takes a little craziness to get the hang of it. Eisley is precious!

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  14. You got this Mama, soak in that sweet girl and remind yourself that you are the BEST Mama for E.

    Milky smiles make my heart leap. Amen.

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  15. I bet you're doing an excellent job!
    It's tough about not sleeping as much though!
    Next time, fake sleep and make your husband get up!

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  16. Its refreshing that you are being honest and real about the first weeks of motherhood, because not many bloggers are.
    My first 6 weeks with my babe were ROUGH. Problems breastfeeding, sleeping, you name it! I was like you, i thought I was going to have an angel baby!
    But its AMAZING how quickly this stage will pass, and she will be 3 months old giving smiles to strangers, and you will be so proud!
    These experiences are building your strength, and just think, one day, when Eisley is a mama, you will have this knowledge to pass on to her!

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  17. My first months with my son (my only child so far) were hard. He slept through the night but not much during the day and not out of my arms, so even though I slept several hours at a span, I was tired b/c my days were exhausting and I woke up with a lot of anxiety several times a night.

    But it all gets better and easier, I promise. A friend said to me, "Those first three months are like hazing, aren't they?" and I thought, "Yes! Yes, that's exactly it." My advice really is to rest when you can and ASK, ask, ask for help. I refused to ask for help... and should have. Even if you just want company or someone else to hold the baby for an hour while you lie down or shower. Just ask.

    You're doing great!

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  18. The first six weeks of my son's life was a haze. I remember calling my mom and telling her I had no idea what I was doing or what I was thinking for that matter! My son is almost three months old and he's the light of my life. I had no idea being a mom would be so incredibly awesome. We are blessed that we get to experience this! Congratulations on your daughter.

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  19. I think you are doing fantastic. You still have your sense of humour :) And those milky smiles always help. I'm sure that you are still cherishing every moment with your pretty bub. x

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  20. u're no good to urself, to eisley, to anyone if you don't take care of urself first. dishes, housework, this blog isn't going anywhere. but eisley will only be little for a bit. leave it all for another day, get some rest, enjoy her. "sleep when the baby sleeps" is perfect advice! also have you tried getting her on a basic schedule?! It's a life saver! I used babywise with my kids & can't imagine ever having a baby without it!

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  21. oh MY. this was me this summer! (and still a little now) every single bit! this is the post i wanted to write but had no time to do because i was trying to figure out when i could go to the bathroom!! thank you for sharing :)

    big hug from another girl learning to rollerskate.

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  22. Take all those "pre-baby" expectations and throw 'em out the window. They are pretty much false advertising. All you need right now is all you have. Your sweet girl, your supportive husband, your God, your family, the rest, eh... it can wait. ;)
    I remember holding my babies in the middle of the night when they would.not.stop.crying and thinking the same things as you. But you know what? They are 7 and (almost) 5 now and I miss those days. Its bitter sweet because yes, they do grow out of it, but they also GROW out of it.
    Enjoy her mama!! And when the going gets tough just remember "this too shall pass".

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  23. And by "rest" I don't mean sleep... sleep every chance you get. ;)

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