Jay and I fell in love quickly.
It was only a matter of weeks before we were saying those three words to each other during a weekend away with a few friends. That night is still crystal clear in my mind—maybe not what I was wearing or what images flickered on the television screen, lighting up our faces in the dark. But I remember the way it felt, knowing someone so well without knowing much about them at all. Feeling so safe and content. My mind, how it was swirling with thoughts of meeting his family, marrying him, what we would name our children, settling down to live in a cute little house surrounded by pine trees.
I loved the way he had a smile just for me, the way he asked me hundreds of questions about what I liked and who I was, the way he would do anything for anyone. Silly things, like how he always took off his shoes when he was driving, how his nose did this tiny little twitch each time he blinked, or how on our first date he sang out loud to the radio without worrying what I would think.
I sort of always felt like he was mine, right from the beginning.
I never felt the need to wait any longer to tell him I loved him. Mostly because even before saying the words, we both knew it was true. Kind of like when we started talking about our future, or when he proposed only months later. It was like these things were already a part of our lives and we simply had to say the words to make them real.
One night, we were sitting together and I was sort of snuggled up close to his chest. His arms were around me and I remember thinking about how my heart was so full—it was one of those moments of pure contentment. The ones where you feel there is truly nowhere else you'd rather be, or nobody else you'd rather be with. He kept pulling me closer, his arms wrapped around my shoulders, my legs leaning against his.
"You're not close enough," he said, hugging me tightly. "You're just not close enough. Get closer."
I remember grinning into his shoulder, because it was a silly thing to say considering there was no way I could possibly be closer to him than I was at that moment. Still, I understood what he meant. It was like no matter how tightly he held me, it wasn't enough. We didn't want to let go of each other. We didn't want to ever be apart.
Every now and then I remember these specific moments and I can't help but ache to relive them. There's something about falling in love—with that person you're going to spend your life with—that is unparalleled. I'd give anything to be there in that moment, feeling what I felt, just once more.
It was a good moment.