April 10, 2011

on twenty-one weeks...

21 weeks.

Well, here I am at twenty-one weeks (a teensie bit more than halfway there!) and I can hardly believe the state of my belly. For some reason, it's still so hard for me to comprehend that I'm actually pregnant. This is really happening! (And, with just one glance at my belly, it's easy to see I'm well on my way to motherhood.)

It's kind of like after I got married (the emotional journey, not my belly). After the wedding I moved in with Jay and it was the oddest thing to stop throughout the day and realize that yes, indeed, I was married. Married. It was one of those things I'd wondered about my entire life and once it had happened it all just seemed so normal and happy and simple. Not sure what I was expecting, exactly, but the normalcy of it all threw me. It wasn't a bad thing…it was more of a good thing. I guess that it surprised me because it wasn't some electric, sparkly thing that I had always thought it would be. It was just…life. Comfortable. Happy.

It's the same way with pregnancy. I've fantasized about pregnancy since I was a wee one myself. I always wondered what it would feel like, what I would look like, what activities would fill my time. As I got older, I think that the line between reality and fantasy became incredibly blurred with movies like Father of the Bride II and TV shows like A Baby Story. Honestly.

I'm sorry, but my reality does not include spending thousands of dollars on designing a nursery, sending my husband out to pick up whatever will satisfy my late-night hunger cravings, lounging on the couch for hours while reading books on childbirth, and taking prenatal yoga classes. The surprising thing (or not so surprising thing) is that the rest of life hasn't been put on hold just because I'm incredibly tired, slightly crabby and can't stop wondering how one is supposed to prepare for their life to change in every way possible within the span of just nine months. My reality involves a 60 mile round-trip commute five days a week, sneaking an extra granola bar into my purse for a mid-day snack, trying my darnedest to keep in touch with everyone around me (and failing miserably most days), replacing exercise with extra sleep and hours spent sinking deeper and deeper into the couch, desperately holding onto any bit of sanity I can muster during my (selfishly relaxing) weekends, and wondering when we'll get around to rearranging our one-bedroom duplex in order to add another human being to this living space.

I shake my fist at you, George and Nina Banks. I shake my fist.

And although I know I sound like a complete downer, that hasn't been my main emotion throughout this whole experience. Although pregnancy hasn't been the way I thought it would be when I was a little girl, it's still been incredibly remarkable and thrilling. It's what keeps me sane these days, to be completely honest. There are many moments where I feel like I'm doing nothing right, like I'm completely out of steam, like I'm not doing half of what I'm capable of, like I'm a complete and utter mess. But then I'll feel a little nudge within me (literally) and it makes me remember that no matter what is happening on the outside, on the inside I am creating a brand new life. A tiny person who will someday be in my arms. A new addition to the family I already love to bits and pieces.

It helps keep things in perspective, really. Although life refuses to slow down on account of this new adventure, the light at the end of the tunnel is that I get to be a mother in four months. And that makes my heart swell and my head spin all at once.

37 comments :

  1. Oh lord, that movie. I keep waiting to send husband out for a late night craving...and I still haven't had any. It's more like, I'll eat whatever you put in front of me--suck it down like a vacuum, but no cravings.

    Not long until your next appointment, right? I can't wait to hear the news :)

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  2. Oh Kerri, you rock so hard. First, you're tummy is SO CUTE AND TINY!!! Yet you can tell there's a wee little life in there.

    Second, I was just like you growing up. I thought of pregnancy constantly. Wondered what it'd feel like, what cravings if any I'd have, how I'd feel, what I'd do, etc.

    And marriage is so wonderful. Every now and then, after almost four years, I stop and think "Squeeee, I'm MARRIED!" it's STILL so surreal and yet comfortable and happy and passionate and friendly. ♥

    I'm so excited for you and Jay and the little one!!!

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  3. I want a baby nursery like the one in that movie for sure!

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  4. You look absolutely amazing! I felt like such a frump during my entire pregnancy - you look stunning :) I didn't get any late night cravings until the last 2-3 weeks - and then for some reason I NEEDED ice cream.

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  5. Kerri, I am so happy you are enjoying your pregnancy! It really is ridiculous how Father of the Bride II makes pregnancy so different from reality. I never even thought about it until now, but you are so right!

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  6. You look so gorgeous :)

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  7. aaah! where did you get that dress?!?!?! I'm just 23wks and haven't been able to find any cute sun/dresses anywhere that actually work for my body. that's super cute but modest, and yet proudly displays the lovely bump! where can i get one?!?!?! (dress, i mean, i already have the belly :-)

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  8. Oh, and your mom isn't pregnant the same time as you...but other than that... ya nothing like Father of the Bride II. I love your attitude about pregnancy. Enjoy it--you will begin to forget about it. I can't remember how it felt or how I looked or anything... And it's only been 5 months! Looking great mama!

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  9. You look stunning! And you take the BEST pictures of yourself! Where is your dress from? Its adorable! I need something cute like that for a baby shower outfit!!

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  10. You look lovely and so pregnant!

    (When I was twenty one-ish weeks, I looked like this, which is pretty much almost how I look now.)

    (Okay, not QUITE. But still!)

    (It's so weird looking back on photos from the 30s weeks...like, what? When was my belly so big? There was a baby in there? CRAZY!)

    It's hard. Working and driving lots and all that jazz. I feel you. (And even more so my last month when I was driving NINETY MILES each day to work after we moved here...hugely pregnant. It was miserable. Perhaps you can see why I quit!)

    Even now, I feel like somehow I'm not soaking up every possible little second as much as I can. I want to remember every single moment of Gabe's life...even though I realize that is completely impossible.

    Anyhow.

    He is cry so I must go! :)

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  11. oh this is such a great post because i have wondered all of the same things as we begin the process to have one of our own, too!

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  12. I love this post! You look so good :) I feel like just yesterday I accidentally found out that you might be pregnant, LOL ;) It's funny how these big events you have in life aren't as "dreamy" as you imagined before, years ago. I think that's just the media for you!

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  13. You look stunning!!
    And that dress?? Love it!!!
    It looks so comfortable!!

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  14. When I was pregnant, I worked hard to not let any "hype" rule me. I went about my life as normal, albeit a little slower as my belly got larger ;) Don't worry about being a certain way like those Baby Story people. You are doing perfectly and what is right for you!

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  15. It's nice to read this.

    I realized recently that my knowledge of pregnancy is much more sparse than I realized. Thanks for sharing.

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  16. All emotions aside, you are one adorable little pregnant thing!

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  17. You look great!
    Loved reading your post today! It really is great to read about how it feels sort of weird to actually BE pregnant. I'm not pregnant, but I would imagine maybe feeling the same way. Just the other day I was telling someone how it's sort of weird that I'm actually an adult. I've been an adult for a few years now, but I just took a 16 hr.trip to visit family, and it's funny that I can actually do that, you know?
    Anyway. Love reading more about your pregnancy!! Did you find out the sex yet? Hint, Hint!

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  18. I swear sometimes that you are taking the thoughts out of my head and putting them into words. Weird. Felt the same way with marriage and babies. I think the thing is that you and I fantasize so much about the future that when it happens its not the same as our fantasies and not that that is a bad thing. It just happens and its real and happy and comfortable, but nothing like the drama that we dream over and see on TV and movies.
    Here's a tip from me seeing as I feel like we are so similar just years seperated, don't worry too much, don't think too much, don't try to prepare yourself. It'll happen, it'll be wonderful, and you'll know just what to do and when to do it and if you don't, you'll know how to ask for help. It'll come naturally to you. I just know it will.

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  19. First, you look so great!!
    And second, thank you so much for this great blog post. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with my first baby as well. And I feel EXACTLY like you have described. Basically word for word. How comforting to read that someone out there agrees with me and spends their time basically the same way I do! haha Thanks girl. Keep blogging and making my day a little brighter.
    Bethany

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  20. You look great!

    I'm shaking my fist at Father of the Bride II too as I'm currently pregnant at the same time as my sister (we're due 2 weeks apart) and things are a wee bit different than the movie :) We're not jazzercising together is what I'm saying.

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  21. You are the most adorable pregnant lady I have ever seen. And no, I am not just saying that. It's true!

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  22. you are seriously the cutest, i love it. and i love the baby talk and oh man i am still the same way with being like "i'm married!" every now and then, it still shocks me, haha.

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  23. Love this post. Seriously.

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  24. You look absolutely adorable in that dress with that baby bump. I love how you paired it with the long pendant. Perfect.

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  25. You are adorable! I can only hope to be as cute as you are when I'm pregnant! You and Jay are going to be wonderful parents. I wish y'all the absolute best.

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  26. You look gorgeous! Love the dress, the hair, the necklace and of course the bump! I really love your attitude about pregnancy. xoxo

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  27. You look absolutely stunning in that picture. Just gorgeous.

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  28. Your blog is always so elegant and beautiful. Do you have any banner tutorials that you've shared? I just love every single one!

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  29. You actually being pregnant is even cuter than I'd imagined. I'm so thrilled for you, like beyond words. I adore your attitude and your style through all this. You make it all seem so very effortless.

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  30. Congrats! We have a 6 month old girl, and it's pure bliss. I was convinced she was a boy before our ultrasound, but I'm so glad I was wrong. Girls are so sweet and cuddly, and the clothes clobber boys clothes as far as cuteness and variety. You're gonna love it.

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  31. I actually think it's more RELIEVING than depressing to realize grown-up life isn't the fantasy you always imagined it would be. I love how you realize that and own it. The fact that you see life as beautiful in it's own real-life, normal way is really uplifting. :)

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  32. Little behind here, but adoring this post. :)

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  33. Oooh! You're such a cute pregnant person! I hope when I get pregnant someday that I will wear it just as well.

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