December 6, 2010

on a few changes...

Lately, I've felt a bit lost. It's one of those moments (or months, really) when you look at your life and you are fully aware that it could be much, much worse...but still, something just doesn't feel right. It's like I haven't been actively living. Joyfully living. And also like I feel that it could be much, much more.

Mostly I feel like I'm just getting by.

I have a lot on my plate these days. Personally, professionally, creatively. This past year has been an incredible learning experience and I surprise myself on an almost daily basis with what I'm able to accomplish and learn. I've learned a million tiny things about myself and what I love. I've discovered what I'm good at and what makes me want to curl up and have a good cry. However, I can't shake the feeling that I've lot a bit of myself during the past few months...and I'm ready to feel like me again.

I've always been a ridiculously introspective person and I feel things very, very strongly. I've always been very in touch with myself and my heart and I always know when I'm in too deep. Lately I've been ignoring those things...trying to be too strong for no other reason than thinking there is no other option.

But, really? There's always another option. And that option is to move forward.

I've grown entirely too passive (and weepy) and I'm ready to start putting my dreams back in the forefront of my mind. Daily. There's no reason I shouldn't always try my darnedest to be the absolute best version of myself.

Reopen my Etsy shop. Due to the general business of my life, I closed my shop for the holiday season, which kind of broke my heart. It's ridiculous how much I felt like I had failed myself because I simply couldn't do it all. Not all at once, at least. I felt like I had willingly given up something I had worked so hard to build, simply because the rest of life was swallowing me whole. Even though I know it was the best thing to do at the time, it was a very difficult decision and I couldn't help but feel a little broken. Lately, I've been making some time (at least several hours a week) to create. I'm working on new items that I'm basically head over heels for, and I'm rather excited to announce that my shop will reopen in January. (Happy dance?)

Treat my body better. I hate to say it, but I feel like poo. I haven't run on a regular basis since early this year, and it's definitely taking a toll on my body. I typically don't like weighing myself (because scales make me stabby) but I couldn't avoid it when I was at the doctor's office this morning. I looked down, looked at the nurse and screamed, "DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY." Well, okay. Maybe that didn't happen. But all I know is that in the past two years I've put on seventeen pounds. As much as I hate talking about this (because I think it's very important to love yourself to pieces no matter what) I still think it's worthy of addressing. Especially because I just don't feel good. I know much of it is stress weight and my lack of exercise, but another part of it is apathy. And that is never okay when it comes to the one body I've been given. I need to treat my body as well as it's treated me. This old clunker can certainly pack a punch when it is maintained properly.

Make the time. The fact is, most days I'm gone for more than eleven hours. (Traffic, work, traffic.) My excuse is always, "There is literally not enough time. Hold me." And although that is true in many ways, there are certainly seconds, minutes and hours of each day that are wasted on mindless shenanigans. Each day I want to feel like I've done something just for me. Something that brings me peace makes me happy dance. That is my goal.

Reorganize. My priorities, my daily schedule, my fridge, my money, what and who I choose to focus on, that one closet that makes me want to curl into the fetal position every time I open it.

Find clarity. I'm slowly taking stock of what matters most to me. The things I refuse to negotiate on in life. I need to actively work towards those hopes, dreams and goals because if I don't? Then things will never change. Which is not okay. In order to find the clarity I need to make these things happen, I've rediscovered books I never finished, begun journaling again on a daily basis, sent up some fierce prayers, made a list of goals, and signed up for The Joy Equation. In short? I'm ready. Starting yesterday. The end.

38 comments :

  1. I'm having a really hard time being devoted to my blog and other side projects right now as well. Really trying to take care of things in "real life" and there hasn't been much time for anything else! It's a crazy balance! :)

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  2. you and i are in the same boat friend. i hate when i get to a point in my life where i put all the things i love aside because i'm too busy doing the things i have to do. that does not make for a happy life and i need to get back to adding in some of those things i love in between all the priorities.

    can't wait to see your reopened etsy shop.

    know you're not alone! HUGS!

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  3. Ahh I can just about say "ditto" to everything stated in your post. Let's say yes to fresh starts, mmmkay?

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  4. Always looking forward, my dear. As usual, I love the mindset you force yourself to have, even when it doesn't feel like the easiest thing to do. L'chaim! That is to say... "To life!" in Hebrew. Go get it.

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  5. thanks for this list kerri - i need it too! a fresh start is a wonderful thing. i'm here with you.
    xoxox

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  6. this is a great list. i feel the same way, lately, i realized that it's been years since i've done the kind of creative things that i used to really enjoy. i'm making a concious effort to start doing something creative that makes me happy every day.

    good luck with your list. :)

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  7. I feel like every 20-something woman I talk to these days is going through a similar crisis of work vs. dreams, comfort vs. health, stress vs. success. I love that you pinpointed exact things that you want to do to tackle the problem. It's very inspiring to see you taking charge. Keep us posted.

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  8. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. A little over a week ago I felt so lost and broken and didn't know where to go . I think it's great that you've looked over your life and know what areas you need to focus on to make your life better. Good luck! Hope everything works out for you. I know it's a tough road a head, but you'll get to where you want to be.

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  9. samesies. good luck with moving forward. i was just sitting here at work thinking i need to sit down and make a huge to-do list to address everything that's been bugging me and write down how to change, fix, or cross off every item. oh, and that closet that makes you hyperventilate when you open the door? i have two of them. santa needs to bring me some containers and shelves.

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  10. I wish I could give you a big fat hug! Whenever I visit this site, I feel such clarity and inspiration. Thank you for sharing your triumphs, struggles, and goals here. You have a lot of people rooting for you. :) (also, is that the correct use of "rooting." Welp, it's before 9am and I don't have coffee, so you are stuck with "rooting.")

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  11. My mantra: I may not be Superwoman, but I'm a super woman.

    Sure, there are things I'd like to do that I simply cannot - especially not in the span of 4 hours (which is all the time I get to myself after the "traffic, work, traffic" part of my day). What I've found is that you can either put off ALL of the things you love and beat yourself up about it or you can take charge and create a happy medium for yourself. I'm so glad to see that you're choosing the latter.

    Kerri, I always {heart} your posts. They are sincerity at its finest. Good luck with The Joy Equation. You've inspired me to give it a shot. :-)

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  12. sigh. i feel so much like you do right now and i've tried to find the words to describe how i felt and what i was going through, but couldn't. you did it so perfectly. :) i think we should set up a bi coastal skype and wine night soon and take a few minutes to CHILL OUT. miss you lovie, you are amazing. don't ever forget it.

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  13. i'm really pretty speechless right now, mostly because you've said EXACTLY what's been on my heart and mind now for months. it is such an absolute relief to know i'm not alone, and i'm even more grateful for your ideas to move past it. i think i'm ready to craft a little plan of my own...

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  14. i know exactly what you mean, and i love that this post is going to make me sit back and evaluate what i want to accomplish and how to get there :)

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  15. "It's ridiculous how much I felt like I had failed myself because I simply couldn't do it all. Not all at once, at least."

    Oh yeah, I felt the same way once. (Hmm, no, twice.) And both of those times, I made incredibly hard decisions -- decisions that stressed me and made me cry-- but the results were exactly what I needed. I put my health and happiness first, and when you do that, you really can't have regrets.

    Good luck with your list! It's a good one. ;)

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  16. It sounds like you are on the right path to finding the peace and clarity. If you ever want someone to bounce off Joy Equation thoughts with, feel free to email me. Oh how I loved that little project.

    And don't forget to carve out a little time in your life for some Hanson and car-dancing. :)

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  17. Like many others have said, you are definitely not alone. Lots of us are feeling lost, out of sorts and unsure of where to go or how to get there (wherever "there" is). I hope you will keep us updated when you start the Joy Equation.

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  18. Can I say "ditto" too? I never seem to have enough time when I'm motivated; and when I have the time, I'm too exhausted to do anything. My plan is to get back on track after the New Year . . .

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  19. I hope you enjoy the Joy Equation. I found that the high I got from it wears off after awhile so you need to revisit all those writing prompts often. Keeping up with the Stratejoy blog (shameless pitch, I know) helps too. But don't let all the positive psychology/yay yoga makes me sooo enlightened/I have all my shit together! bullshit get in the way of becoming the best YOU. What I learned from the Joy Equation is authenticity -- that is, if I want to leave the dishes and the laundry for another night, why should I feel guilty about it? Who is it hurting? We have so many "should-dos" and not enough "want-tos."

    Shoot me an email if you're feeling lost. I know the feeling so, so well. And maybe you can help me motivate myself to start running this spring! (I refuse to start running in sub-zero Chicago temperatures.)

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  20. doing things for yourself is so important! i think it's great that you've outlined a plan, a surefire way to make sure you get to the place you want to be. and i'm so glad you're reopening your etsy shop. i've always LOVED your crafts!!

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  21. Honestly, I think it's this time of year. There's something about going into winter that seems to make me & everyone around me feel down, overwhelmed, maybe even a little uninspired. I love your goals & think they will help you to get everything back into perspective. & I'm off to check out the Joy Equation... :P

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  22. don't wait for New Year's. Jan 1st is no magical day. START NOW!
    you're definitely not alone ... if that helps.

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  23. I can definitely relate also! It's so hard to make time to juggle everything, but I also sometimes find myself wasting the time I DO have on something that isn't fulfilling. It's hard to find balance!

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  24. I love goals especially when it includes re-organizing! I have no doubt you'll accomplish all the things you want to do.

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  25. 1. I love reading your posts :)
    2. This is a wonderful and inspiring list, that it seems like we all can relate to in some way, and I think just making this list is a huge step towards what you want.
    3. Thanks for being you.. even when you don't feel like you :)

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  26. i am right there with you on the to-do list with the exception of an etsy shop, i'm not quite as fab as you are :)

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  27. I've been in a similar state for a while now, and oddly enough I am waiting for my copy of the Joy Equation to arrive in the mail (can't wait!). I think it's really going to help me define my happiness and clarify what I need/want in life. Hope it does the same for you!

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  28. "I need to actively work towards those hopes, dreams and goals because if I don't? Then things will never change. Which is not okay." I definitely agree with you on that. That is something I need to be doing in my life as well. So I'm with you there. I hope you are finding things you want in your life. I'm hoping to discover those answers myself.

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  29. I think we all feel a little lost from time to time. I always hope that the nagging feeling will go away "when I'm an adult," but I really don't think it ever does. Anyway, I hope you know that I love and admire you, your talents, and your imperfections. You're in my heart, Darling.

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  30. This: "I've always been a ridiculously introspective person and I feel things very, very strongly. I've always been very in touch with myself and my heart and I always know when I'm in too deep. Lately I've been ignoring those things...trying to be too strong for no other reason than thinking there is no other option."

    It's like you read my mind and wrote it down beautifully. I'm definitely feeling that way these days.

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  31. Can I just ditto Katelin's comment :)

    I will be excited to see the new things you create!

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  32. Live for you, lady. You deserve happiness!

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  33. <3 <3 <3

    you are so brilliant and i applaud you for actually putting this in a place that is set in stone. you're such an inspiration and role model kerri, seriously. seeing things like this make me want to get my mess of a life in order. like you've said before, it's not about perfection, but making sure you're happy, whatever and whomever makes you so. lovelovelove.

    PS: so excited for the etsy shop re-open!!

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  34. I so feel you! I've had a good few months of forward movement, but even then, it's easy to slip back into the place you're referring to. It's a great time of year to re-evaluate and re-commit. I love your to dos and also can't wait to hear how the Joy Equation goes!

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  35. Thank you so much for posting this-- you definitely struck a chord with me-- many of your words are thoughts I have had the inability to articulate fully over the past few months that I have been stuck in my own rut. I realize I need to give voice to my frustrations, especially to those around me to help get me going again!

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  36. Exactly what I needed to read. And here we go!

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  37. It's weird how much the things you say parallel my life at times. The Joy Equation will definitely be useful in the near future. Thanks!

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  38. I think it is so crazy how every time you write about something, I feel as though I am going through the same thing. Thanks for posting your link on the Joy Equation - I need to check that out. I have a list of items that I would like to work on also. ~Thanks and I hope you know you are not alone.

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