Lately, I've felt a bit lost. It's one of those moments (or months, really) when you look at your life and you are fully aware that it could be much, much worse...but still, something just doesn't feel right. It's like I haven't been actively living. Joyfully living. And also like I feel that it could be much, much more.
Mostly I feel like I'm just getting by.
I have a lot on my plate these days. Personally, professionally, creatively. This past year has been an incredible learning experience and I surprise myself on an almost daily basis with what I'm able to accomplish and learn. I've learned a million tiny things about myself and what I love. I've discovered what I'm good at and what makes me want to curl up and have a good cry. However, I can't shake the feeling that I've lot a bit of myself during the past few months...and I'm ready to feel like me again.
I've always been a ridiculously introspective person and I feel things very, very strongly. I've always been very in touch with myself and my heart and I always know when I'm in too deep. Lately I've been ignoring those things...trying to be too strong for no other reason than thinking there is no other option.
But, really? There's always another option. And that option is to move forward.
I've grown entirely too passive (and weepy) and I'm ready to start putting my dreams back in the forefront of my mind. Daily. There's no reason I shouldn't always try my darnedest to be the absolute best version of myself.
Reopen my Etsy shop. Due to the general business of my life, I closed my shop for the holiday season, which kind of broke my heart. It's ridiculous how much I felt like I had failed myself because I simply couldn't do it all. Not all at once, at least. I felt like I had willingly given up something I had worked so hard to build, simply because the rest of life was swallowing me whole. Even though I know it was the best thing to do at the time, it was a very difficult decision and I couldn't help but feel a little broken. Lately, I've been making some time (at least several hours a week) to create. I'm working on new items that I'm basically head over heels for, and I'm rather excited to announce that my shop will reopen in January. (Happy dance?)
Treat my body better. I hate to say it, but I feel like poo. I haven't run on a regular basis since early this year, and it's definitely taking a toll on my body. I typically don't like weighing myself (because scales make me stabby) but I couldn't avoid it when I was at the doctor's office this morning. I looked down, looked at the nurse and screamed, "DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY." Well, okay. Maybe that didn't happen. But all I know is that in the past two years I've put on seventeen pounds. As much as I hate talking about this (because I think it's very important to love yourself to pieces no matter what) I still think it's worthy of addressing. Especially because I just don't feel good. I know much of it is stress weight and my lack of exercise, but another part of it is apathy. And that is never okay when it comes to the one body I've been given. I need to treat my body as well as it's treated me. This old clunker can certainly pack a punch when it is maintained properly.
Make the time. The fact is, most days I'm gone for more than eleven hours. (Traffic, work, traffic.) My excuse is always, "There is literally not enough time. Hold me." And although that is true in many ways, there are certainly seconds, minutes and hours of each day that are wasted on mindless shenanigans. Each day I want to feel like I've done something just for me. Something that brings me peace makes me happy dance. That is my goal.
Reorganize. My priorities, my daily schedule, my fridge, my money, what and who I choose to focus on, that one closet that makes me want to curl into the fetal position every time I open it.
Find clarity. I'm slowly taking stock of what matters most to me. The things I refuse to negotiate on in life. I need to actively work towards those hopes, dreams and goals because if I don't? Then things will never change. Which is not okay. In order to find the clarity I need to make these things happen, I've rediscovered books I never finished, begun journaling again on a daily basis, sent up some fierce prayers, made a list of goals, and signed up for The Joy Equation. In short? I'm ready. Starting yesterday. The end.