September 27, 2010

on focus (or lack thereof)...

I've felt so detached lately. Every time I sit down to write, I can't seem to get out the right words. Also, I feel a little rusty after not having blogged on a regular basis for quite some time. I surprised myself by filling five pages of my handwritten journal a little while ago; I can't even remember the last time I've taken the time to let my thoughts spill out like that onto actual paper. It was refreshing, really.

So, what have I been up to? Oh, just the usual. Wanting to do everything all at once, realizing it's impossible, failing miserably, crying into my pillow, getting a second wind, questioning every move I make, attempting to be spontaneous, reminding myself that things are okay, reminding myself that I am okay, and so on and so forth.

Lately, I've been trying to focus and not work myself up into a frenzy (which is usually what ends up happening more often than not). So, I try to slow down. Taking each day as it comes, trying not to get so far ahead of myself that I don't take time to soak up the tiny moments in each day. The memory that creeps up out of the blue and makes me grin, that familiar curve in the freeway that means I'm almost home, hearing the most perfect words from a friend that make me realize just how lucky I am, reconnecting with someone I've missed terribly, my heart racing after a good walk, crossing items off my to-do list...one by one.

I'll admit that I tend to get incredibly caught up in the things I want. And, really, it's the simple things. Or, at least, the things I think should be simple. A home in a safe neighborhood, enough time to be thoroughly creative every single day, a few children, the opportunity to see my family more than once or twice a year. It gets more and more difficult as the years go by and I realize I don't have any of those things. It's silly, I know - because I'm obviously such a lucky girl. I guess it's just that each of those things are what my heart truly aches for and I don't really think I'll feel complete until I'm there.

I had a long talk with my husband yesterday, and I pretty much poured my heart out to him. I don't think I've been as open and honest with him as I should have been all along - I think that most of the time I'm trying so hard to be content in the moment, even when my heart is tugging me somewhere else completely. I settle, you know? Because I feel like that's what is best. But sometimes it's not, and sometimes it's nice to put it all out there and be completely honest. Even if you know that things may not change, even if you know that your life isn't going to go in another direction overnight, even if you know that what you're saying may sound completely and utterly ridiculous. Sometimes all you need is to pour your heart out and just put the words out there.

And it felt nice.

Right now, I'm going to try and focus on taking each day as it comes. I'm realizing how quickly life is flying by and I keep feeling like I look ahead so much that I lose each day too quickly.

25 comments :

  1. Thinking of you & hoping you figure out what comes next, even if it's just little changes in the right direction. Sometimes, you can be very lucky & very happy - but things are still off. Take it slowly, keep your eye on the prize, appreciate what you have, & move forward. Lots of love.

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  2. Gah, I can completely understand this post. It's so hard to look around and see that things are good, but also feel like you want so much more. I completely understand.

    Looking forward to talking through these things this weekend :) I'm always here if you need me. Love you.

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  3. I'm with you. I'm having such a hard time not focusing and pressing on to get what I want that I can't hardly enjoy anything. Yet, if I don't look toward the future, I'm bored and apathetic. Argh! It's such a hard balance to find! Good luck my love, I'm cheering you from here!

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  4. I feel the same way! I get so caught up in wanting to be in some future stage in life that it overwhelms the present and makes me feel disheartened. But talking it out and noticing the little things does help. I keep telling myself that all the great women I'm dying to BE right now only ended up where they are because they went through the same process - wondering for years if they were on the right track, etc.

    Anywho, if it helps, I really think your life is inspiring and adorable and I love your blog (I've been following for about a year now). Good luck with everything!

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  5. Love! I get the same way often and am so thankful I have my husband here to just pour everything out to him. I don't know what I'd do otherwise.
    And I often get some form of writers block but just find that taking the pressure off and even writing gibberish helps!

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  6. I think everyone has times like this. It can be especially hard when you feel like you've been waiting forever to have what you know you want and sometimes, need.

    Keep you chin up. You are amazing and even though life isn't always what you want it to be, God has a plan that is so much better than you could ever imagine :)

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  7. Um, did you read my mind? This is exactly how I've been feeling these last couple of weeks. I say I won't overcommit, then inevitably overcommit, work until I'm so tired I can't see straight, take an hour or so to have a pity party, the tears dry up, and I'm ready for round 2. Such a vicious cycle! Chin up, and know that others are struggling too. One day, we'll look back and understand what all this was for!

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  8. I'm glad you opened up to your husband -- that's always a step in the right direction (even if it doesn't feel like it at the time, although in this case it sounds like it did). I agree with what Kathleen said: we all have moments like this, and they're hard. But keep at it! You'll get there. :)

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  9. Oh, Kerri! I feel the same way at the moment. I'm in such a good place in my life right now, but for some reason, I can't sit back and relax. All I can do is daydream and hope and wish for things that are out of my reach. And I also understand about not being so completely honest about what you want with Jay at first. I find that I'm like that with Kenny sometimes. If I'm entirely honest, and tell him how unhappy I feel, I think he might think I'm unhappy with him or our life together- and that's not it at all! I am totally right there with you! I want so many things, too! Even though I'm on the other side of the world, I'm sending hugs your way and setting my heart down next to yours. They can remind each other to take it one day at a time!

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  10. I feel exactly the same. I feel like i'm always in the rush to get somewhere that I don't take time to enjoy the anticipation and the actual journey to get that something and then before I know it the moment has passed and I wasn't able to take it all in. Does that even make any sense? Sigh.

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  11. Oh my goodness. I could've written this exact thing, right down to the gushing-to-my-husband stuff. I, of course, wrote a couple of long-winded posts that sounded much less eloquent but said basically the same thing. :-P

    I feel like I've been seeing a lot of this similar thing going around the blogosphere lately, and I wonder if there's something we could all do to encourage each other. 20SB Blog Carnival: The Quarter-life Crisis Strikes Again? :-P

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  12. Something must be in the air because, I, too, along with a few other commenters seem to be going through the same thing. I'm tryig to rediscover how to enjoy what's happening 'in the now' and not focusing so much on what's going to happen in the future. I've been terrible about procrastination lately, too. Which is wierd because it's never been a habit of mine. I need to kick this soon. Anyway, know that you are not alone and soon enough the words will come again and enjoying and living in the moment will, too.

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  13. Welcome to the club!
    Have you read the book 20-something, 20-everything: A Quarter-life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction ? Very interesting and it talks about the feelings that you described in your post

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  14. I read a wonderful quote a couple of weeks ago that said, "The Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?"

    Because we feel like that, don't we? That we have to get it all done rightnowinthisverymoment. Sending warm thoughts your way as you seek to find a balance and rhythm that feels right for you. =)

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  15. I've been feeling the same way regarding the last paragraph and have discovered that I'm happier now living in the present and not thinking too much about the future.

    I'm glad you opened up to your husband, there's nothing better than knowing he'll be there for you at the end of each day. <3

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  16. I am so bad about not saying anything and trying to be content when I'm not. I usually end up holding it in until I explode at some point.

    Lately I've been getting up and just making a list each morning of the things I need to do and the things I want to do. It's been helping me get focused on my day and make sure I don't let time just slip away.

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  17. Hugs. I really struggle with figuring out the following things: are the things I'm doing really for the better, am I wishing for too much, if I finally get xyz will I be happy? etc. etc. I have such an internal battle going on at all times. Last night I got home from class at 10pm and just stood there sobbing and hugging Cale. Things might not be my ideal world at the moment, but I'm so glad I've got support along the way.

    And yes, we definitely need to be next door neighbors at some point in our lives. Friends marathons while folding laundry? It's a date.

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  18. Yes, truly. It is so freeing to just say - or even write - what you're thinking. Anything that you're thinking. Even if you know there's no solution or no way that the person who you are talking to can really help. It's just nice to say it to someone and have them say, "Yes, I understand."

    Also helpful in this situation? A good, long cry (sometimes I have to watch 'When Harry Met Sally' to poke that along) accompanied by a chai tea.

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  19. I love this post because it's so honest... and I think completely normal... and refreshing. Thanks for always saying what so many of us are thinking :)

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  20. Seeing that I just got married 2 months ago, I am figuring out that whole being open and pouring your heart out to your husband thing. It's hard sometimes and you just want to keep it all in. I bought a new journal at Target the other day and have been trying to write in it. It's amazing what your mind pours out when you're writing. So relaxing and it's so much easier to figure things out.

    Anyways, you're adorable as always and I hope you get back into blogging! ;-)

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  21. I'm exactly like that too with blogging, I guess I just don't have the mojo at the time being. Hang in there, I'm glad you feel better after the long talk :)

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  22. Thanks so much for your honesty. I just blogged a week ago about feeling overwhelmed right now too. Good luck to you in making it through. I think it's great that you opened up to your husband. All the best to you dear!
    XO Piper

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  23. Also, you met Ree??!? Was she amazing? of course she was :)

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  24. Here's my old lady comment: I remember feeling that way when I was your age, and younger actually. Here's my suck-ass comment: I'm 40 now, and I still periodically feel that way. Like the other night, in fact. I think it might be the bane of the creative person's existence: to love so much, to empathize so much, to want to do more and be more and somehow still not feel completely full? I'm trying to go with the Buddhists these days, which is to say, when I have these feelings, just notice them. And not judge the feelings or myself for having them, but just notice them. Oddly, it helps. *hugs*

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  25. Thinking of you, lady. I'm going through something similar, and it's nice to be able to say what you need to have that weight lifted off you. *hugs*

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