February 15, 2010

on some current thoughts...

Lately I've been feeling a little bit lost.

It's odd, because I fluctuate between knowing exactly what I want to do and then second guessing myself. Between complete and utter bliss and then comparing my life too much to someone else's. Between feeling right on track and then feeling completely left behind. Between feeling ridiculously confident and then feeling embarrassed or insecure. I'd say that I'm happy but just a little confused. And I guess that right now I'm trying to focus on taking my life one day at a time - trying to appreciate the moments and the people who mean the most to me.

I haven't had much motivation to do anything truly creative lately (writing, crafts, photography) which may be the cause of some of my mixed up feelings. It's odd, because my creativity comes in waves. I'm either completely overflowing with so many new ideas that I find it difficult to get to sleep at night - or I'm in a complete and utter funk.

I've kept busy with everything else: sneaking in hours here and there with my husband (our work schedules haven't been the best for spending time together), enjoying a weekend in San Francisco with some of the loveliest girls I know (laughing almost constantly for three days straight), managing to get through workdays, making time to exercise and begin a cleanse, cleaning and organizing, connecting with my family as much as I can - and so on and so forth. I've also been trying my hardest to take as much "me time" as possible. I've learned that I'm able to find much more peace within myself when I take the time to just be alone. Some people need a calendar filled with many activities to feel like they're truly fulfilled - but as for me? I need time by myself in order to have those same feelings.

I've been doing a lot of wondering about what it is I should do with my life. Isn't that always the question? "What should I do with my life?" It's so frustrating when I feel like I'm wasting so many hours doing something that isn't at all my passion. Maybe it's finally catching up with me - all those emotions of simply wanting to follow my heart and lead a passionate, artistic, joyful and fulfilling professional life. And as much as I know what direction I want to go in, I still feel a little stuck.

It's like I'm looking in every direction, knowing where I need to end up but simply not knowing which way I should take to get there. It's overwhelming, I guess. And that's when the second-guessing comes in and I start thinking, "What if I fail?"

I am so ridiculously blessed, and I hate wasting time on negative or worried thoughts - but I guess sometimes I just can't help it.

To be honest, so much of me wishes it were more widely accepted for people to take huge risks and to be a little "irresponsible" every now and then. I'd love to drop everything, kidnap my husband and just travel for several months. I'd love to not think about all the silly things that the world deems so important. I'd love to connect more with myself, with my spiritual side, with my adventurous side, with my childlike side. I'd love to not worry about wearing make-up or whether or not I need to lose a few pounds - to simply not have to look in the mirror for a while. I'd love to be somewhere that I can look up at night and see the stars, where I can breathe fresh air, where things are safer and all I have to worry about is existing and learning and loving and enjoying.

I get kind of fed up with everything else that distracts me from those things.

I'm sure I sound a little silly, but that's okay. These are just things that have been occupying my thoughts these days and it feels good to have it all written out. It makes me feel like I'm beginning to figure them out, I guess.

55 comments :

  1. I know too well how you feel at the moment. Because I'm going through the same thing. I'm graduating this semester and moving across the country. And I'm worried about finding a job. I want to find a creative, artistic career where I'm passionate. And I'm afraid of never getting there. Of not knowing, like you said, what direction to choose. Just know you're not alone. I'm also struggling just a bit to find my way. Sending you a hug (or a tissue, if you'd prefer) through the internet! & Saying a prayer for you as well. xx

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  2. I feel like you write so eloquently about what so many of us feel.

    I definitely have a huge need for me time. If I don't get at least an hour to just sit with myself (reading, watching TV...), every day, I go crazy.

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  3. I think we're all a little lost...you're not alone. :)

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  4. Wow, I could have written this post. Just that you're so much better with words than I am.

    Wouldn't it be great to just "take a break from life" to figure out what we REALLY want?

    I am glad you're beginning to figure it out though. Share more of your progress!

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  5. Man we are a lot alike.

    Sometimes it's like there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done I want to do. I lay in bed at night coming up with the most random, brilliant ideas that ever were.

    And then there's other times when I can't even come up with something to cook for dinner. Where I don't snap a photo for weeks, or feel like writing a single post.

    And often, I too look to all of the distractions around me: stress, work, CRAP. But I just have to hope that SOMEDAY I'll (we'll) get to do the things we really love...and make some money too.

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  6. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I wish I would lose my steady job just so I would be forced to do something daring.

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  7. It seems there are a lot of people with similar thinking/experience here. I too am joining in because I can completely relate to your first 2 paragraphs.
    I think everyone gets to this point of either continuing on the "expected" path or taking a risk and doing something deemed "crazy". I think it's much more worth it to take the risk, but I've come out on the good end so perhaps I'm biased.
    I think kidnapping your husband to travel sounds splendid and perfectly do-able. Take some time for yourself!

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  8. What will bring you more regret one day?

    Doing the things on that "I'd love to" list of yours, living life the way you want to, taking chances, being adventurous, letting go of some of those unnecessary worries?

    Or living by the rules, playing it safe, doing what the world imposes on you?

    It's your life. Live it the way you want to. Listen to what your heart is telling you. She knows exactly makes you happy and fulfilled. I promise that you will never regret living the life of your dreams. But you will most likely be filled with bitter disappointment and sadness that you let years go by without giving yourself and your life the chance to truly shine.

    You are so young and you have so much time. Surprise yourself!

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  9. Unfortunately sometimes it's better to LOVE what you do well rather than do what you LOVE. Because it can bite you in the ass. Sometimes it IS better to do something you love on the side, doing it as you enjoy - because my creativity is like yours, it comes in spurts, not on demand. And if the orders start coming and you start doing things not as well as you'd like simply because you're heart is not in it, well, is it even worth it?

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  10. A beautiful post. I think this year is going to be a big year for a lot of us figuring things out. I used to desperately wish for a job that was my passion but then I realized that my passions are the little things that make me happy -- my family, my friends. What I've come to realize is that I need to be happy, after that the rest just sort of seems to fall into place.

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  11. I've been feeling the same way lately...and I totally get the need to recharge with alone time. I'm definitely an introvert.

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  12. I feel like so many people have been feeling the same way. Maybe its because we are all 20 somethings and being crazy... or maybe its because everyone is off the New Year high... or maybe we all just feel this way because its how women innately feel.

    Needless to say, I feel the same way.
    I am still in college, but I am worrying about life after college.
    What am I going to do? I am confused, scared, but weirdly looking forward to life as well.

    Anyways, lovely post.
    As always.
    :)

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  13. Wait, you were in SF?! Ah! So sad I didn't know that.

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  14. It's so weird how much I relate to your thoughts, your feelings and your words. I kinda love it.

    PS: Change of address! I'm over at thewayaliseesit.blogspot.com now. :)

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  15. I don't think you sound silly at all. I feel like you wrote this straight out of my head. I know exactly what I want to do, but second guess myself and compare and don't think I'm good enough. I also have days where I am totally lacking creativity.

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  16. Dear K, thank u so much for sharing your feelings, is not that easy but you made it. I just wish from the bottom of my heart that u can figure things out, and go for what really feel passion for...you are so young, I'd wish I'd had your age dont think over it , just do what you have to do...I promise u wont regreat it. Im 29 and I want to change my carrer. Im a pshycologist but I dont see my self working as one for the rest of my life, I would like to became a graphic designer but people say Im too old to go to college...so I kinda know how you feel right now.Lovies.

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  17. I felt much better after getting my thoughts out, too. There's no shame in that.

    http://www.tattoosandcupcakes.com/2010/02/issues.html

    http://www.tattoosandcupcakes.com/2010/02/on-path-to-rediscovery.html


    Just do what makes you happy, Kerri! It sounds so easy, but hard to to. At least for me it is. But I'm working on it, and I'm feeling the biggest weight lifted off of my shoulders!

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  18. I feel exactly the same way. I want to just runaway, escape life for a little while. You are not alone. I too am stuck doing something that I don't love. Unfortunately, I am not sure what it is exactly my passions is or what would make me happy. And like you I am on a creative block..haven't touched my camera in weeks...it depresses me! Oy! We will get through it and we will find what makes us happy!!! Thank you for sharing!!!

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  19. you know, I have moments like these too. I can be cruising on through life, content and calm, and then all of a sudden I realized that I simply do not have my shit together and get all panicky about it. I start to doubt and dislike everything from the school I'm attending to my favorite pair of boots. I think...I THINK that this used to be much worse for me. I seem to remember some point in the not too distant past, shaking free of that pressure to KNOW, fully embracing the here and now and establishing a strong sense of faith in knowing that I will get myself where I need and want to be when I truly need to be there. Meditation helps. :)

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  20. Sometimes I am feeling the exact same way. There is a direction in my life but I don't know if it is the right one. There is so much I want to do and accomplish but I don't know if I have enough time for it or any time at all. Sometimes I wish I'd lived in the 50s when women were women and men were men. Life seemed so much easier for them.

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  21. Since 2010 began, I've been in a very similar rut. It's difficult to pull yourself out of it but last night I met someone who gave me some amazing advice.

    So often we're asked 'where we see our self in five years'. Well, that question is stupid. In five years, I want to see where my life takes me and if I put an image in my mind of where I will be, I may miss some great opportunities along the way. It's nice to have goals and dreams, but take life one day at a time and see where it takes you.

    BTW, I've been following your blog for a while now and it's beautiful. Thanks for your insights :)

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  22. I think that if you guys want to drop everything and travel you just should. Rent out the condo, put your things in storage and go. Take some time.

    I know that it's easier said and done, but it is so much easier now, before pets, before kids, while you can. I bet that even going to an all inclusive in the spring would recharge your creative batteries =)

    And I hear you, I'm taking all kinds of quiet time these days and it's amazing. It's when I feel most like myself.

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  23. "To be honest, so much of me wishes it were more widely accepted for people to take huge risks and to be a little "irresponsible" every now and then"

    Who cares if it's accepted or not? You remind me so much of myself when I was younger. I didn't even really take the time to think about what I wanted out of life, just went through the list: marriage, mortgage, pets... and after each step the path to change is more drastic and less acceptable.

    It's hard to get past what the world thinks, and what you grew up thinking, but without risk there really is no reward. And the bigger the risk the bigger the rewards, and of course the failures, but one thing I've learned is that you are usually don't regret doing the right thing for you. Fear of failure is probably where your creative block is coming from also.

    Think of it this way, if someone guaranteed that if you quit your job and focused on your etsy store full-time, you would be making your current salary in 6 months, would you do it? I'm not saying you should do that, just that sometimes you just need to have (a lot of) faith in whatever you choose, because there are no guarantees.

    Anyway, I love your blog!

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  24. I feel the same on a regular basis. You're not alone! And those things you mention at the end - travel, being childish, connecting with your spiritual side, not wearing makeup - you can take small steps towards them, or encorporate them into your life in little pieces. Like going away for the weekend to a new place, visiting the fair, not wearing makeup for a day...it might help you feel a little less lost?

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  25. "It's like I'm looking in every direction, knowing where I need to end up but simply not knowing which way I should take to get there. It's overwhelming, I guess. And that's when the second-guessing comes in and I start thinking, "What if I fail?""

    I felt that too. And the feeling kept building until finally I made a choice: to quit my job and pursue writing.

    Funny enough, right after I made that choice, an opportunity arose for me to stay at my company in a different, part-time role. The best of both worlds: more time to write, but some money to keep me fed and housed while doing it.

    I do believe that when you take those risks, when you make those leaps, the Universe lends a hand to help you succeed.

    So leap, and don't feel afraid or guilty. Feel proud for doing what you want, and not just what society tells you.

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  26. You are not alone! I'm going through the same thing. Let me know when you figure out the magic "I'm gonna be okay following my dream" tonic. I don't know how people do it without living in a constant anxiety attack for months on end! I may not be happy now, but I have a steady paycheck, that's where the scariness comes in. Leaving the predictable.

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  27. I love to read your posts and have that after thought of “wow, we are SO in sync and there really is someone out there that is going through the same crazy thought pattern that I do”, we are our own worst enemy! If we could just shut the brain OFF, if only there were a switch….if only we could escape from the CHAOS of it all!

    Between planning my upcoming wedding, working a full time job (tax season mind you) and having to make time for family, friends and my fiancé (AND myself), I am definitely due for a mental breakdown.

    But, as I continue to read your responses from so many followers, I gather there are a “handful” of us girls that think and feel the same. I guess that is the only comfort we can find at times, that there ARE other sufferers out there…….lol! A bit over dramatic, but at times, yes, these feeling might seem small and fickle to some, but they are a heavy burden to bear for us and if they could only step into our lovely shoes and live there lives with our ongoing never-ending THINKING cerebellum I think they would feel the same! :)

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  28. We are all in the same boat lady, but it all passes.

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  29. I don't think that you sound silly. I think you've put into words what most of us feel at some point, or, more realistically, at lots of points. I think that these funks that we have allow us to find what is right for us. Help keep us to the paths of our hearts, and stay straight and true to ourselves. Also? Stealing away with your loved ones for a spontaneous trip? That sounds awesome! Wouldn't be awesome if we could take the time to be spontaneous and brilliant like that?

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  30. I feel exactly the same way! Word for word. I've confessed my feelings to my boyfriend and he supports whatever decision I make but it just feels impossible. What do I do next? How will I pick myself up? It all feels so cloudy and well I guess I'm glad not to be alone. I guess this is the quarter life crisis.

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  31. Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I think we should have dinner and discuss. You know... Again.

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  32. I do hear you on the societal norms thing. I've always been told how impractical I am for wanting to be happy in my life and find a career I will enjoy instead of just choosing anything that's given to me. Obviously that makes sense to the normal person but I've always thought a little bit different. I've always tended to stare at the sky a little bit longer, stand outside in the snow and just take everything in. I feel it's so hard for others to understand how important it is for me towant to just enjoy life. Live your life the way you want, how could anyone be the judge of your happiness.

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  33. I can relate to everything in this post, it's unreal. Sometimes I worry that the only thing I ever blog about is the uncertainty of what I want to do with my life, and the inability to do the one thing I really want to do (travel the world). You are not alone!

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  34. I think you just wrote down exactly what I've been feeling lately too. :/

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  35. I've found that it's more often than not my family shoving those voices in my head that bring me down. If it weren't for their (good hearted, really) concern about my well being, I think I would be a lot more prepared to just jump and run more often.

    You know we just did that--and it has been so liberating. I'm terrified, and I don't really know where the money is going to come from, but I just have to keep running with it. You're so talented, and so kind. Good things *will* come your way, even if it isn't on a path you would deliberately choose.

    I hope you get the clarity you so deserve!

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  36. I love my wishcake! Not very inspiring, I'll give you that, but it's true.
    -Jenny Kay

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  37. i have been feeling sort of similar these days too, it just comes and goes but i can definitely see where you're coming from and it's just nice to get those emotions out there and you always share them so eloquently, i love it.

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  38. I don't think you sound silly at all. In fact I think you just expressed exactly how so many of us women feel at any given moment. I'm still trying to figure everything out to, so if you find the secret, let us know!

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  39. I totally know what you mean! I'm getting laid off and getting a six month severance package and I'm kind of relieved. Six months to kind of figure out what I want to do next and reassess while still getting paid! I'll never have an opportunity like this again.

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  40. Uhh yeah, I feel the same way. Work, life, my ETsy shop, etc. UGH. I just want to curl up in a BALL. Actually I'd just like to spontaneously move away. But, we kind of have a house and bills. Fail. :( :(

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  41. Hey, lovely! Its been a while. So many times I see you as my own personal Sally--the thoughts and feelings you have are often ones I have also, but your insight always helps. Right now, college is overwhelming me. I feel like everyday I am just grasping on with the schoolwork, about to slip any moment. This year is so much more fulfilling because I joined a sorority and am so busy with my activities, but still, I am empty. I am questioning whether or not I want to be a teacher at all. I feel so different from others in my class. I often find myself questioning whether or not what I want to do can be defined with a major and a degree or if what I want to do is more out of the box. So, for the time-being, I'm hanging on, at least for the next two years when I have time to sit and think for myself. I miss you! The answer will come to you when you least expect it!

    All my love,
    Brittany
    (Class Act)

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  42. Live simply. Enjoy life. And might I add, smile. No matter how you feel or what's happening, that's all you need in life.

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  43. I can relate 100%. Life for so many of us has just been this ongoing funk. But I am doing the 40 day (lent) Positive Thinking Experiment. for 40 days turns all that negativity into positive thoughts and actions. You should try it too... it could change your life. :)

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  44. "I am so ridiculously blessed, and I hate wasting time on negative or worried thoughts - but I guess sometimes I just can't help it." I know very well how you feel. As long as you make time for the little things that make you happy, being creative, spending time with loved ones - as long as you take the time to count your blessings (which you do so well), I find often that gets me through the times I feel like this.

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  45. Hello,

    I am delurking on this post because it struck a chord...I always read your posts and think "Man, I am glad someone else feels the same way I do, and thinks the same ridiculous things"...this post was no different, and it feels good to know I am not alone. Yesterday, I gave my two weeks notice at a very stable, well-paying job to go work part-time and have a better quality of life...this is insane...even as I type it, I cannot believe myself...I'm really scared and nervous about my decision, but my incredible husband supports me, and we want a simpler, happier life together. My logical self is freaking out a bit, because I never do anything crazy...but this was something I had to do to save myself. Thanks for letting me get that out! I wish you the best of luck in attaining a more content, happier, fulfilling life!

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  46. it's okay sweet girl...

    not to sound trite but it is so the journey of life and you are on it and you are a participant so all the parts you are supposed to see, feel, experience, they will present themselves, they are presenting themselves...

    you're fine...just keep going...asking, listening, being

    i'm 38 and i still ask those questions but i also see the life and experience that precedes those questions that make it less about time lost or fear of missing a calling and more about what's next

    you are a difference maker already...just keep moving

    xo

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  47. Oh dear.

    I feel this way, a LOT of times. Particularly because I have no idea what my passion is, and no idea what my idea of a fulfilling life really is!

    At the moment, I'm happiest when me and my husband are vegging out, or wandering the mall, or something else, equally pointless. But unfortunately, life, and work, and commuting gets in the way of all that.

    I, too, wish it was easier to pursue an idea, a passion, a whimsy - easier to experiment!

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  48. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  49. I know you'll do amazing and whatever you set your heart and mind too. Don't be afraid to give it that push. =)

    Ps-you have an award at my blog!

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  50. simply put - i feel the exact same way. i know it'll pass & it will for you too...

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  51. I have been feeling EXACTLY this way lately. It must be the time of year!!

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  52. I"m the same way as far as feeling rejuvenated when I have "me" time. I don't thrive by being busy nonstop.
    You CAN let go of worrying about needing to lost a few pounds. I just takes a little brain re-wiring :-) You are beautiful just the way you are.

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  53. I feel this way a lot too lately. This post reminded me that I am not the only one. Jeepers, I really wish we could drop the responsibilities of life and just live spontaneously. I envy those who can be that adventurous.

    Best,

    Hannah Katy

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  54. Oh my gosh. Reading this made me almost want to cry. It's like you are in my head...(wait...are you? Hehe.) Anyways. I am so frustrated, too. It's like I feel like I waste 40 hours every week, just week after week, hours I can't get back. And for what? I want to go away too...I want to just get away from everything and feed my soul. I sooo wish this was something I could do. Anyways..this is such a beautiful post, and so speaks to my heart and where I'm at right now.

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  55. I know I'm really late in commenting on this, but I remember that when you first posted this I read it on a night when I was up late because I'd been playing catch-up after a very overwhelming and busy and somewhat dissatisfying day.... and it was just so soothing and comforting to hear your own thoughts and relate to them SO MUCH. I think that's your gift in writing-- honesty and empathy.

    "I'd love to be somewhere that I can look up at night and see the stars, where I can breathe fresh air, where things are safer and all I have to worry about is existing and learning and loving and enjoying."-- that right there is just amazing. Oh, the times when my heart just yearns for this!

    Sweet friend, you are leading a brilliant life and I know you'll find exactly where you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to do. I like to think that, really, we ARE doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing. Because God gives us different seasons of our life and each one serves its own special and amazing purpose. :)

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