January 12, 2010

on being decisive (when it matters)...

"Shall I remind you, dearest Kerri,
that the reason you care so much, sometimes even worry so much,
is because there still exists between you and life,
a passionate love affair.
And because of this, everything's going to be just fine."

There are a handful of times in life when I've made a decision and there has been no shred of doubt in my mind that the one I made was the right one. These moments sparkle in my mind, mostly because it's not often that I'm able to make any sort of decision without feeling ridiculously fickle.

Usually I sit around and have to weigh the pros and cons for entirely too long, pondering all the "what ifs" and "whys". Usually I'm not brave enough or I'm simply too unsure of myself. Usually I'll over think a situation to the point of no return. Usually I'll play out a dozen different scenarios in my head, usually involving entirely too many awkward stare-downs (and sometimes a musical number).

I guess you can say that for the most part, I'm simply too indecisive. Usually.

I guess that's why I never doubt myself when I have made a decision and I am immediately comforted with that one feeling. The one that nearly shouts: Yes! Hurrah! Brilliance! That's not to say that they are always the perfect decisions, even though I still maintain they were the right ones at the time. And every single one of these decisions have completely changed my life in one way or another. They've been big things - not like, "Hmmm, should I spend $150 on this pair of jeans?" or "Perhaps I should make-out with this sexy stranger." or "Yes, I would like more alfredo dippy sauce for my bread sticks, thank you." Ironically enough, it's the little things I've always have more trouble working through in my head. (Well, okay, except for the dippy sauce thing, obviously. And the sexy stranger thing is definitely an ode to my past and not my present.)

Interestingly enough, it's the simple and in-between things that give me the most trouble.

But the big, life-altering decisions? Thus far in life, they have been pretty obvious to me. When I know, I know. There is no second thought in my mind as to what I'm supposed to do. It's kind of thrilling.

Once, those decisions involved fourteen-year-old me convincing my mom that her shy, quiet, middle-child wanted to join a theatre group. Discovering a side of myself nobody ever knew existed, or even I knew existed, really. In my heart I had always wanted a moment to shine - and to prove to myself that I could shine, I suppose. I still remember the first tiny line I had in a ridiculously cheesy skit, standing up and not even recognizing myself and the confidence I found on stage. Getting lost in each role I had, enjoying the idea of being someone else - if only for a little while. And four years later, there I stood, dancing around on a tiny, wooden stage, living every girl's secret dream, in a pair of glass slippers and singing in the clearest voice I've ever had.

Once, those decisions resulted in eighteen-year-old me standing on a ladder, covered in speckles of maroon paint, borderline talking a guy into being my first boyfriend because there was no doubt in my mind that he was it. Granted, it was a rather pathetic first relationship and it didn't last that long. But I still don't regret that moment I had that warm rush of confidence and poured my heart out to him in the most ridiculous way. There was something so freeing about it. About living in the moment and being so sure of what I wanted and just saying it. I still remember the exact way my heart felt, and the exact way my mouth tangled up the words I knew I so desperately wanted to say for the first time.

Once, those decisions led me far away, resulting in nineteen-year-old me picking up and moving two states away from my parents, sisters and the guy that was my first love. It was the first time in my life where I felt adventurous, spontaneous, independent. Although I moved so far away from all that was comfortable and familiar, there was something in me that was telling me to go. That although I had so much to leave behind, there was something out there yet to discover. And to be honest, there's nothing quite like that feeling of diving headfirst into the unknown without even a bit of fear.

Once, those decisions found me falling head over heels in love with a guy I'd only been dating for a few weeks. I found myself sitting next to a silly guy with the sweetest brown eyes, cautiously telling him that I was pretty much falling for him. And a couple months later, agreeing to marry him, giggling in front of a Christmas tree in his ratty, little apartment. And fourteen months later, I became his wife. Because of the fact that I knew with every inch of my being that I had found the person created just for me, there wasn't even a beat of hesitation. It was all a flurry of, "I love you. Of course I do. How could I not? Now kiss me, you fool."

And now, in the last few weeks, I feel like I'm about to be swept up in another big decision. And once again, the thing that is keeping me going is the fact that I know with every ounce of my being that it's time. It's my time. It's the right time. And, really, why not?

That's how I know when things are right. When I have absolutely no fear of failure, no concerns about whether or not things are going to fall out from under me, no self-doubt whatsoever.

This has nothing to do with babies, relationships or packing my life into a bag and moving to Costa Rica for six months. It simply has to do with this being the time in my life to take these chances and live exactly the way I want to. It's the time to perhaps take a few risks and learn some new things and just...be brave. I've decided that this is my year - I'm going to start off this decade the best way possible.

Living with passion. And making sure my husband and I are taking every single chance we can in order to do what we truly love.

And really? I'm pretty darn excited.

blog comments powered by Disqus