on a re-post: that one time I got all introspective...

This is a re-post, because I'm on vacation. Well, my vacation is technically almost over by now, but by now I will have had a huge turkey dinner, spent too much at a local craft fair, seen New Moon/had inappropriate thoughts about a seventeen-year old werewolf, consumed my sixteenth white mocha and snuggled with my sisters and nephew. I can't complain, really. So, anyway, to finish off this round of random re-posts, I thought I'd share a post that is a bit more personal, and less of a silly story. So, without getting too sentimental (oh, who am I kidding?) here it is, originally posted on August 29th, 2008:

As I mentioned a bit before, I've been going through my own, little personal inventory, so to speak. I've been thinking a lot about how much I've changed and grown in the last six years or so, and although I'm quite proud in some respects, I'm also disappointed in myself, too. I'm not the worst person I know, but I guess I've reached an age where I actually have things I'd go back and change if I had the chance. And I don't think I like that very much.

Sometimes I slip back into memories of when I was a perpetually happy, seventeen-year-old, daydreaming, theatre geek. Very sheltered, but I was okay with that. Slightly naive, but I was okay with that. Never-been-kissed, and of course I was so not okay with that. Homeschooled, but I swear I didn't wear denim jumpers and I know nothing about cows, so don't you dare stereotype me. I guess that it's only natural that I've gone on to experience more of the world, make a few mistakes along the way. But there are certainly decisions I wish I could change; stupid things I've done where doing the right thing should have been the easier choice. The better answer should have been the first one to reach my lips. But somehow, it wasn't - for a variety of different reasons, I guess. Mostly, I think it's this wanting to not be put into the "good girl" box, as I was put into for most of my life.

Now, here's the thing. I'm very hard on myself. I'm sure that I could spill all my secrets right here and some of you would roll your eyes and say, "Puh-lease. That's the worst of it? Calm down, crazy-pants. You're like a nun compared to some of my friends." But I guess I've always held myself to this unattainable high-standard and deal with too much guilt because of it.

Part of it is the whole "middle child" mentality. (I have five sisters, but the last two are much younger and growing up I was technically the middle child.) I was always the one who was the mediator, the one who was quite self sufficient and didn't demand much attention, the one who worked hard to please everyone, the one who wanted to make sure everyone was happy. My mom tells me that even when I was little and had done something wrong, all they'd have to do was look at me and I'd burst into tears. I've never been grounded, and I only remember a handful of times where my parents were genuinely angry with me. (One night I stayed out until after midnight with my boyfriend, and my mom was waiting there, completely angry that I didn't call. I remember yelling back, "IF THIS IS THE WORST THING I'VE EVER DONE, THEN I THINK WE'RE OKAY, RIGHT? RIGHT?" Of course, I still went to bed that night with a crushing guilt and, although I still thought I was right, I'm pretty sure I bawled my eyes out knowing my mom was upset with me.)

Yes, I guess you could say I was a slight goodie-goodie. Not in a snooty way, I hope, but more in a I-never-want-to-disappoint-anyone way.

Since moving to California and being somewhat on my own for part of that time, I've been able to test the waters a bit more. Rebel in my own small way. Part of me wanted to change this saintly view people had of me, which sounds terrible, but I'm sure someone else must be able to relate to that.

When I first moved here, I was nineteen and incredibly naive. I remember at my first job, people would talk about things that some would deem "inappropriate" and they would always look at me and give me this condescending look, saying something like, "Oh, you should cover your ears for this." They knew I was Christian, they knew where I came from, they knew about my morals - you should have been there for the conversation about my promise ring:

coworkers: "What's that ring for?"
me: "Oh, um. It's a promise ring."
coworkers: "You're seeing someone?"
me: "No, it's from my dad."
coworkers: (blank stare)
me: "It's a promise - er, purity ring?"
coworkers: "What's that mean?"
me: "It means, well, that I am saving myself until marriage. It's sort of a symbol of that, I guess."
coworkers: "WHAT? NO SEX? How old are you?"
me: "Nineteen."
coworkers: "Woooow. I could never do that."

After a while I guess I wanted to test a bit of my own boundaries. To push my self out of that box that people had automatically put me into. All I wanted to do was show people, "See? I know about this and that! I'm fun! I'm not up-tight! Don't you see it now?" And ironically, after several years, I now would love to revert back to that sweet, demure, will-do-no-wrong girl that people saw me as.

I know that people certainly don't see me as this crazy, worldly, party-girl, but I know that I give off the wrong vibe in certain situations. Especially when I'm with certain people. It's odd, too, because I always know when I'm acting. I put on a show like, "Hey! This is me! Seriously!" But it's not. And I know it's not. I'm either trying to blend in with everyone, or to hide insecurities, or something to that effect.

Since my birthday, I've made a few decisions. Resolutions, if you will. And I figured it may be beneficial to write them all down:

I will be more true to myself. I will be more true to what I believe in, and be a better example of those things. I will be more positive about myself. I will be more positive about the world around me. I will give myself more credit for all I have accomplished, all I am, and all I'm presently doing.

And I really mean it this time.