October 14, 2009

on who I am (at the moment)...

who I am (at the moment).

I am...

...kind of obsessed with the way the light comes through our front window in the afternoon, especially this time of year. I took a ridiculous amount of self portraits last weekend, because I couldn't get enough of the perfect lighting! It's amazing how much of a difference it makes.

...realizing I need more Autumn decorations for the duplex. Must remedy this soon.

...trying to keep my chin up after experiencing a schedule change that will result in me working at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning. Oh, to be self employed. You have no idea. Hold me. (Or bring me hot chocolate on Christmas. That would be acceptable, too.)

...feeling rather broken when it comes to a couple situations that I can't change.

...having the most realistic dreams ever. That's how it's been for the last few weeks. Of course, not all of them involve floating through the sky or being surrounded by kittens. Sometimes the kittens are trying to eat my face, and I'm not okay with that business. Last night, I had the worst nightmare yet - I was dreaming I was laying in bed, and some guy appeared in the doorway and I knew he was going to attack me. In my dream I woke up screaming. And then I woke up in real life. I was spazzing out when I woke up for real because I was all, "IS THIS REALITY OR IS THIS NOT REALITY BECAUSE I AM TOTALLY CONFUSED RIGHT NOW." I couldn't sleep for another hour, and had to walk through the duplex closing windows and re-locking the doors. (Totally not looking forward to going to sleep tonight.)

...attempting to be more social. I am such a homebody, it's a little ridiculous.

...feeling healthy, actually. Even when I end up eating a mini-pizza at midnight or realize that I have actually gained two pounds in the last two weeks despite going to the gym several times a week (see why I don't like weighing myself?). I'm trying to find a good balance, though, and just want to be as healthy as I can without feeling bitter or deprived of the things I love.

...so, so thankful for my husband.

...presently obsessed with the Glee version of Don't Stop Believing. Even though I'm probably the only human being on the planet who didn't end up adoring the show past the first couple episodes (I have issues?) that song is probably the best song ever. If you happen to see a girl at the gym, running on the treadmill, sweaty and red as a woman in the throes of childbirth, fighting the urge to do hand motions and sing at the top of her lungs...yeah, it's probably me, listening to that song. I have no shame.


  1. I know that broken feeling. Keep your head up though. You have so much to be happy for. You're amazing!

  2. That middle picture is absolutely gorgeous!

    I've been having rather realistic dreams lately, as well. Except mine usually involve me making out with some hot boy (who I have yet to meet in real life) and then I wake up and am like "Uhhh, universe? Where is this hot boy? I would like to meet him, please!"

  3. i find myself stopping at random places on the drive home... fields, parks, lakes just because the light is absolutely perfect and i can't resist clicking off a few photos. :)

    i recently threw out my scale. recently as in yesterday. i realized i was stepping onto it four times a day. i go to the gym 3 - 4 times a week, i eat healthy. i refuse to fall into that pattern again, you know.

    ps. you're gorgeous.

  4. I have dreams like that, too. They mostly revolve around someone coming into the coffee shop after we've closed and either A) robbing me and the coffee shop at gun point or B) stealing my car.

    I've stopped telling my coworkers about the dreams because they give me a look that says, "Um. Get to therapy. Now."

    And of course you're gorgeous. (I am slightly jealous of that light, though. We have only good light upstairs, between the hours of 11AM-12PM on non-cloudy days. I'm not joking.)

  5. Aaahh! The realistic dreams are the scariest thing ever. I have them all the time.

    And you are the cutest. That is all.

  6. I absolutely hate realistic scary dreams! I used to have ones where someone was chasing me around my neighborhood while I tried to hide in really crappy places, like behind a too-small bush. They would always find me no matter what.

    And now, I think I'm going to totally overplay the Glee version of Don't Stop Believing that you linked. Because that's always been my favorite song from the show, but I kept forgetting to look it up. Now I will blast it on repeat until my family wants to kill me.

  7. I HAD THAT SAME DREAM RECENTLY. Not even kidding, it was almost exactly like yours. And it totally freaked me the eff out too :-(

    Umm, talking about the man hovering over me, by the way. Not the kittens...

  8. My hubby has to work every holiday from now until death... so I feel for you. I would bring you something delicious to drink on Christmas morning if I could... since he works in the jail with nasty dirty criminals, I will NOT be bringing him anything delicious on Christmas morning. :)

    Um, so, pretty much every song on Glee makes me dance in ways that should be illegal for someone as uncoordinated as I.

    Oh, and on a totally creepy blog-stalking side note. .. Every time I go to Disneyland (which was like 15 times this year) I try to find your husband. I don't even know which restaurant he works in. But I still look. In fact, I'm going again tomorrow. And I'm not going to lie... I'm going to tell my husband I just saw someone famous if I catch a glimpse of your hubby. :)

  9. I can't wait for our new house so I can have some better light! Bottom floor apt., not so much.

    I wish I had the clarity on myself right now that you seem to. How is is that we feel so old at the age of 23/24?

  10. .feeling rather broken when it comes to a couple situations that I can't change.

    mee tooo

  11. Oh I'm definitely in that place when I have to change a few things that I can't..at least for now. It sucks :(

    Ps. Love your portraits! Lights look good.

  12. It seriously has been raining here for the majority of the last two weeks. Today when the sun came out it was awesome. We had all the blinds open so the sun was coming in and it was coming in the skylights, too. It makes such a difference! Too bad winter is coming and we'll have less sun...

  13. Awww you're so pretty in those pictures!!

    I love Autumn decorations... although I don't have an apartment right now, living with the parents, so I'm decorating my classroom. It's fun... can't wait til Christmas!!

    Love that Glee version. Then again, I actually adore that show... they have so many great songs too.

  14. toss the scale, it's just nonsense. i mean you can gain weight and still lose weight at the same time, you know? it's not fair and not right. sorry about christmas schedule. after 8 years in the hospitality industry, I don't miss those schedules. cheers to hot chocolate though!

  15. I hope you resolve your nightmare issues soon :(

    I love how positive, in general, your list is!

    And you are beautiful!

  16. Dear god woman, you are GORGEOUS. (I miss you.)

  17. Ugh-I hate nightmares like that!!! I hope you don't have any more :(

    I love decorating for the fall-it's makes home so warm and comforting.

    You're so pretty!

  18. Hello, beautiful! Your photos are excellent. Sorry you have to work on Christmas - what do you do?

  19. LOL...You're just too cute for words!

  20. Glad you have so many things to be thankful for...

  21. I can't believe you have to work on Christmas! Maybe you'll be able to wave at the reindeer as they pass over LA?

    I accidentally broke our scale (try dropping yours!) in the spring, and my quality of life has improved since that accident. Just saying! =)

  22. Those photos are absolutely lovely. Just like you.

  23. Dreams are a funny thing sometimes. I go through spurts of having them and not having them. I have dreamt about anything from being on an amazing shopping spree in New York to Mr. Potatoe Head running after me with a machine gun in a drug store. (real dream I swear!) I use to have a dream interpretation book for the longest time but I finally gave it away. You should treat yourself to one of those. I recommend the book:
    In Your Dreams: The Ultimate Dream Dictionary. It just came out last month! By the way the middle picture of you makes you look like an angel. ;)

  24. Agreed. Glee totally jumped the shark after 2 episodes. Sad, because it had such promise...

  25. You are so darn pretty! I'm jealous of that wonderful afternoon light! :)

  26. I, too, am not a huge fan of Glee and thought I was one of the only ones! Good to know that someone else feels the same way. (I also LOVE that song. It's my get pumped for the workday song.)

  27. Friend, those two pounds? Probably muscle.

    I think realistic dreams are floating around because I've been experiencing them as well!

  28. I have that Glee song on my running mix also. I love it, love it, love it.

  29. I love these posts. Those situations that you can't change are always the hardest. I am experiencing that myself lately. Its hard finding a balance between being social and being a homebody. I actually prefer the latter. Good luck finding your balance.

  30. I absolutely HATE realistic nightmares.

    Also? If I lived closer to the west coast, I'd totally bring you a cup of coffee on Christmas morning.

  31. I had a dream about my therapist. I don't know why. Actually I do.

    I love taking great pictures when the light is just right.

  32. Those photos are gorgeous! And you are so right about using good light when it's there.. well when it's there with both good hair and makeup as well :)

  33. Followed a link on "I Heart My Shoes" and found you. I had crazy weird dreams that woke me up all confused last night too. Maybe something is up with the moon.

  34. i love that you really know who you are.. and that you know how to articulate it so well.

    so inspiring!

    xo. danni

  35. That song makes gives me serious butterflies EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
    I LOVE it!
    It makes me giddy even. yay!!

    That middle picture of you? STUNNING! You are so right, that lighting is delicious!! I lonnnggg for lighting like that in a home, we always end up living in the darkest places, it's so depressing! Looking to remedy that situation soon tho :D

  36. Autumn decorations - I need to do that soon too especially before all the goodies are sold out.

    And I hate nightmares like that. I always have them like twice a week!

  37. "I'm trying to find a good balance, though, and just want to be as healthy as I can without feeling bitter or deprived of the things I love."

    Me too.

    Those are lovely self-portraits! And I have crazy dreams like that a lot, lol. Mostly I find them amusing, once I can get my heart to stop pounding.

  38. You know when you find a new blog - and you just love everything about it and you have to immediately add yourself to the FOLLOW list?? Well I found that today with yours.

    Your blog is luminous - as are your self-portraits in that beautiful light. I look forward to visiting often.


  39. First of all, I love when you do these type of posts...and I love pictures you take of yourself--you are so photogenic! I'm jealous BIG time.

    Second, I am the same way you are, I'm a homebody. I need more friends and need to get out more. We can do it!

    Have a wonderful weekend and I'll mail you some coco mix for Christmas ;)

    P.S. One more thing, did you make the header for your blog? I love it!


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