on my happiness project...

[my new hair clip from Morgan's sweet little etsy shop!]

I've been slightly absent from posting for a while. But don't you worry! I do actually still exist. (Which is definitely a good thing, I suppose.) I've just been attempting to free myself from the computer as often as possible lately - and I'm not going to lie, it actually feels rather nice. Finding the perfect balance will never be easy, but I'm trying.

I have had a certain revelation in the last couple weeks, though. I didn't really talk about it much before going into it, because I have issues with promising something and having great intent - then after talking about it my motivation fizzles out and I don't end up following through. But this? This has been huge. Something that I've been wanting to work on for the last few years and didn't really know where to begin, you know? I didn't want to mess it up. And I didn't know if I would fail miserably, either. I guess that's why I kept it to myself for a bit.

What I've been working on is my happiness and contentment. A little happiness project, so to speak. (I know, it doesn't sound that exciting, but believe me...it's been good.)

I decided to try out my own little happiness project and see how far I could go. Inspired by a few books, quotes, and other people who seem to be so ridiculously happy, I decided to start trying to change my attitude and reaction to things. I've been trying to be more peaceful, optimistic, forgiving, and all of that. And one of the biggest things I've learned in the last little while is how my reaction to something has the power to make an entire day blissful or the exact opposite of blissful (which is, quite frankly, crappy). I know that it sounds so obvious, but how many times throughout your own day do you find yourself ruled by your whims and emotions? Half the time it's so easy to excuse bad attitudes by rationalizing it all away. "Well, he made me mad." "Well, today has sucked." "Well, someone at work pissed me off." "Well, they messed up my order at Subway and not even my sandwich is okay right now ahhhhh!"

I'm awful when it comes to letting my situation get the best of me. I know that I may seem like a ball of sunshine (on a good day) but that's not always what comes across to the ones closest to me, as it is with many of us, I'm sure. (Plus, it's a lot easier to put my positivity into writing, as opposed to actually living it.) I think I've mentioned it before, but my husband was the first person to point out my recent transformation into a pessimist. Throughout the first few years of our marriage he has pointed out how I always let things get to me and managed to miss the bright side all too often. At first, that only made me more irritated.

"WHAT? You think I'm negative? What are you talking about? THAT IS SUCH A MEAN THING TO SAY! YOU ARE A MEAN HUSBAND! MEAN, I SAY!"

Little did I know that I was merely proving his point.

And now I constantly see it in myself - when I'm letting things get to me and when I begin to play the same negativity card I always seem to choose. (Believe me, I'm a natural when it comes to playing a damsel in distress. Just ask my husband. I constantly want someone to fix things, fix a situation, fix me.) It's like a light bulb went off in my head, I knew what I had to do to rediscover my optimism, and I haven't turned back since. (That's not to say that I haven't failed miserably along the way, but you know. It's all about having the awareness and the intent of doing better, in my opinion.)

My marriage has been the biggest thing I've wanted to work on. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that our marriage was ever in trouble, per se. But I can see how my negative attitude has effected Jay in the past, and how it only drives him away from me. I used to think, "Well, this is how I feel. He should be able to take it and listen to whatever I want to say, and he should still love me and adore me because he is my husband, amen." But, really? How fair is that? I'm realizing that if I choose to be more lighthearted (even when I don't feel like it) I only make myself more lovable and adorable in his eyes. Does that make sense?

Let me give you some examples:

1. Grocery shopping has become more and more easy as the years go by, but there is always a bit of whining on my part when we don't buy something that I really want. When it comes down to it, I know that most of my irritation comes from my wanting Jay to simply give me my way all the time. The whole mentality of, "Well, I want this, so it shouldn't make any difference to you." The last time we went shopping I made a conscious effort to not whine for what I wanted (which was difficult, because I really wanted that tiny, over-priced bottle of my favorite ranch dressing) and instead realize that in the grand scheme of things, it didn't matter.

2. Being an old married couple (and loving every minute, mind you) we enjoy a good board game. I'm not going to lie: I'm a horrible loser. It reminds me of being a little girl and quitting a game of Old Maid when I realized I wasn't going to win. When Jay and I sit down for some wine and a game of Scrabble, I will almost always accuse him of cheating or being rude or whine about not ever getting good words at some point during the game. We played a few days ago and I made a conscious effort to lose gracefully, and instead of berating him for his mad Scrabble skills, I instead praised him for being so smart and so incredibly good at the game. The fact that we ended the game with light hearts mattered much more than the fact that I lost by more than half. (No, really, guys. I suck at Scrabble. It is not okay.)

3. Jay is kind of messy. Not horribly messy, but I tend to get on his case when he has four pairs of shoes and socks floating around the duplex. Or when he doesn't load his dishes in the dishwasher when it is obviously empty. Or when he jumps out of his clothes when he gets home late and leaves them in in a pile by the bed. (I've taken to saying, "OH, MY GOSH. SOMEONE MUST HAVE BEEN RAPTURED RIGHT HERE." I'm not sure if he finds that funny. But I do.) This whole week I've done my best not to get on his case. I'm realizing that while my idea of the perfect home is a place that is spotless, organized and smells of peaches, Jay deserves to feel comfortable here, too, and know that he doesn't have to walk on eggshells when I'm around. And if it means that I load a few extra dishes and throw his clothes into his side of the closet a few times a week, then that's okay. I can do that.

4. One thing that I've struggled with throughout our marriage is constantly comparing our relationship to other people's. I wonder why he can't write me sweet notes like someone else's husband, why he doesn't compliment me like another guy I know, why he doesn't always reach for my hand when we're in public like he used to. I know that me picking apart things like this is, for lack of a better work, poisonous. How would I feel if Jay constantly picked apart the things I did, and pointed out the things I didn't do? That would break my heart. I can only imagine how many times I've hurt him more than he's shown my by lack of appreciation. So, I've made it a point to avoid petty arguments, praise him for the things he does that make me feel loved, be the one to reach for his hand when we're out and about, and try my best to make sure he feels like my hero (which he is).

Jay hasn't said anything about the change, but that's okay. Because I feel it. I feel the change. And I see how he is more eager to be honest with me when he knows I'm not going to snap or be defensive. I see how he goes out of his way to do more things around the duplex for me, or how he makes more of an effort to call me to check in or offer to bring me lunch at work - which makes me all glowy and happy.

I think that what has surprised me most, is how I don't feel like I'm being forced to repress my true feelings or to hold back what I want to say. I sort of figured that I'd feel like I was forcing myself to hide my emotions or something. But, really? It's the exact opposite. I feel much more connected to myself when I'm thinking about how I can handle something in a way to make the situation okay. I feel much more connected to Jay because I'm taking the time to really love him in ways I haven't made the effort to do since we first fell in love. It feels good to know that an entire day has gone by with nothing but good things showering down all around me - and so much of that is because I made the decision to be happy. I didn't just wait for happiness to find me. I made happiness an action, not just a fleeting emotion.

And that's huge.

I'm obviously always going to be a work in progress, and I'm going to have days where I cry or complain or storm into the other room to cool off...and that's okay. But, in general, I feel so light lately. I want to make sure I don't lose that.