June 16, 2009

on notes that will never be sent...

I've seen posts like these a few different places, and decided to write my own. Perhaps the people they are intended for will be reading, perhaps not. But it is simply freeing, just having written the words down. Does that make any sense at all?

Well, anyway. Here are some of my notes that will never be sent:

1. I miss you. Not just because of the distance, either. I miss the person you used to be, and what we used to share together. All the laughter, the secrets, the things we used to imagine together. I've known you since the beginning, and sometimes I ache to return to a simpler time. I know that I will never see things from your exact view, and I don't think I will ever understand even half the decisions you make. At this point, I'm out of words - especially because I don't think I will ever find just the right thing to say to make you realize what you're really worth. I want to hug you and tell you that everything will be alright, but then I realize that it's not me that needs to save you. It's you that needs to do the saving. And I hope, with all my heart, that you will do that for yourself. Because you are worth it.

2. I have a crush on you. I know, I know. It's horrible. I'm happily married - I am! And I'm not trying to go all Desperate Housewife on you, but really? I think that married people can have innocent crushes. It's just that you are an incredible person, and if there was a duplicate me, she would be pretty much in love with you and ready to have your babies. The girl who wins your heart is going to be very lucky. That's all I can say. Well, that, and, "Be glad I'm married, otherwise I may have to physically assault you, but in a good way." That is all. Carry on.

3. You hurt me incredibly. And I don't think I will ever understand why you were always so eager to find a reason to hate me. The way you acted and the things you did are beyond anything I've ever experienced, and perhaps that's why I still think of you sometimes. Although I think I'm able to forgive, how could I ever forget? I wonder where your life has taken you. I wonder what you're doing with it. If you've found some sort of peace within yourself, or whatever it was that you needed. At this point, more than anger, all I am left with is this wonder. I don't think I will ever know what I did to deserve such hatred from you. And, for some reason, I can't get up the nerve to hate you back.

4. I wonder if you ever think of me. In fact, I hope you do. I think of you every now and then, but, ironically, most of those thoughts are pretty much consumed with how much I hope you are thinking of me. Completely ridiculous, I'm aware. But, still. Being forgotten is one of my biggest fears. Especially by someone like you.

5. For the last couple months, I've had dreams about you. When I wake up, I have this sense of comfort and calm. It's as though I actually stood next to you again. You even held my hand. In reality, I can't even remember the last time I saw you. You were always someone that made me feel incredibly loved and I know that I may have strung you along at some point - just because I couldn't imagine my life without you. I selfishly wanted to keep you just close enough for what I thought I needed, without any thought of what it did to you. I'm sorry for ever leading you on or hurting you in any way. You always meant more to me than I ever told you. Also, why don't you have a Facebook? Because I feel the need to Facebook stalk you on a fairly regular basis, and have nowhere to turn to. Get back to me on that.

6. I stole your pen today. I'm not even going to lie. It was a nice pen.

7. I am horribly intimidated by you. Maybe it's because I wish I could be more like you. I hate comparing myself to other people, especially when I realize that I am only me - and some things just can't be changed. But I can't help it. You seem perfect in so many ways, and it's difficult for me not to feel like the worse one when compared to you. I wish I could know how you manage to do it all so effortlessly. So, there's that.

8. I love you, John Mayer. Sing me a song.

(Okay, well, I guess the recipient of #8 is a little obvious. But, whatever. Don't judge me.) Are there any notes that you need to write, but would never send? Do share. So I feel less awkward and creepy.

41 comments :

  1. wow. i think i might need to do this. i think i'd totally feel a weight lifted.

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  2. Ooh, I love this concept! Sometimes it's good to just let it all out, even if the recipients will never really be recipients :)

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  3. Doing it. Soon. LOVE THIS.

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  4. I need to do this as a post. This is great.

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  5. Ooh I think I'd be nervous. I'm not sure who actually reads my blog.

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  6. Yeah I often think of a note I want to send it. In my mind, it sounds beautiful and sincere, but I'm afraid they will be forced to talk about me, again, and bring up all the bad feelings they have for me. When all I have is love for them. Sad how things can go so wrong, when really they are so right. Just the badness lingers. I guess I'm afraid by reaching out, I still might not change how they feel. And I desperately want to.

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  7. I've done this before a long time ago, & it was so freeing. Just to know that the people who I wanted to read it were actually reading it, but they had no idea who I was talking about... Yeah, it's amazing.

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  8. I absolutely need to do something like this. What a great idea for a blog!

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  9. I've done it in the past too. Three times. I threw one of them out. I felt too embarased and afraid someone would find it. It was in the genre of your 2nd one. Never posted them on my blog ... but that is a good idea.

    I think you should give the 1st to that person. I was so touched when I read it. It made me feel very sad for that person. Why don't you send it to them anonymously?

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  10. I've been thinking about doing something like this for a while, since I usedto do similar things on my myspace blog (i know, i know!) in high school. But they were pretty evil!

    I'll post soon, when I'm not working 13 hour days!

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  11. Who's number 2 for? So curious? maybe Rob Pattinson? lol

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  12. Pretty much every single letter could be signed "Love... Olive Oyl." Especially the one about having a married crush. And the intimidation one. Yeah. Especially that one.

    Hmmm. The thing with my crush is that it is on Edward Cullen. Now, how do I send a letter to him? Seriously. How come book people can't be real people?

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  13. I'm totally doing this tomorrow. I'll let you know when it's up. :)

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  14. I've definitely done this a few times, and I do love it. But for me, the people who are meant to read it don't read my blog. So I always feel there's a lack of closure for me in not sharing them with the people who need to read them.

    I'm trying to work up the bravery to send mine to the people they're written for, even if it means sending it anonymously.

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  15. Are you wearing shining armor? Wait, would that would make you a knight...tess? I am doing a guest blog tomorrow and I needed a spark of creativity. You saved the day, ma' lady. So, you will read my guest post tomorrow...right? You know, so you don't feel creepy, even though you totally aren't. And #7 is more like my letter to you, but shhhh...don't tell Kerri!

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  16. Wow. Stunning post. Letter 1 you wrote- I could write the exact same letter.

    Maybe I should steal this idea. Will link to you when I do.

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  17. This is a great idea! I need to do this one....after this hectic week!

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  18. K - I love your new pic and I love how incredibly honest you are... It's always refreshing to see.

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  19. I could have written #2. I am totally a fan of innocent crushes while married, but this is a for real crush. This isn't just the cute guy at work that I think is adorable when I see him once or twice a year. This is a real guy, a new friend, and the more I learn about him, the harder I crush. I've been feeling a little ashamed about it, but I love the way you put it: "The girl who wins your heart is going to be very lucky."

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  20. wow...what a truly amazing post. i definitely think i could do a post like this but absolutely know the folks i would write about would instantly see themselves in word form and this would probably be more drama than i could handle right now...

    but i absolutely love reading yours and the whole mystery behind it...

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  21. Number six made me burst out laughing, I hope you enjoy the pen! This is a beautiful meme and I love your honesty.

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  22. This is really awesome - I love the concept and it's so...romantic. In a whimsical sort of way. :) I love it!

    Also - Mike would FREAK if he read #2. So, I give Jay some credit for being awesome. :)

    (In his defense, I probably wouldn't like the idea if it were reversed...)

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  23. I started doing this after I took a class that made me do this. I hated it then, but now it's kind of cathartic.

    Also, ditto on number 8.

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  24. wonderful post! i think i'm going to do this too...although it's a bit risky as its very easy for people who know me to find my blog...but it's a great idea, so i think i might just have to anyway! i really enjoy all your posts, btw, sorry i don't comment more!

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  25. This is a freaking awesome post. I really need to do this. In fact, I could literally cut and paste your first one onto my blog for my best friend. I could, but I won't :)

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  26. Oh these are so great! What an awesome post, so honest and true.

    I could use your #1, #3, #4, #7 and #8 right now to send to people I know. Funny how we all, in some way, carry around the same issues...

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  27. man, oh man! i LOVE that you write letters to people & never send them just like me. i have journals full. it definitely is freeing just to get it out...& i always picture people finding my journals when i'm long gone, & finding their letter. everything will make sense then. now, i'm just too chicken, baagawk!! and to post them on my blog?!! no WAY!! double bagaaawk! :) love you, miss kerri!

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  28. This is such a great/funny/inspiring post. You're such a good writer and I love your honesty (although I think it is good you left the names out...).

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  29. Oh! This is such a clever idea! I think all too often we don't really have a chance to say all those things we want to, good post! :)

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  30. Um. I may not only run with this idea, but it may be a theme.

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  31. Very cool concept. Your blog brings me a lot of inspiration!

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  32. I can totally relate to # 7.

    I did this awhile back and it made me feel infinitely better =)

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  33. this post is amazzzzzing. I seriously think i need to do one fot these one day... how freeing!!!

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  34. This is such a great idea and I love how personal and emotional it is. I need to do something like this too. Great idea.

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  35. i would do this but i think it'd be SO obvious whom i was talking to...i'd have to be more vague. i love it though! i chuckled...and i related...and i love your john mayer one. TGIF, girl!

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  36. I love this, and you're right - it's completely cathartic, even if just for a little while, to let go of these things sometimes.

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  37. Wow, this was amazing. Each of your notes brought someone different to mind, as if I could have copied and pasted your words into my own life. (Don't worry, I won't!) Thank you for posting this! I have had so many thoughts lately that I need to express but just can't seem to do audibly without feeling some sort of massive guilt.

    Thanks for giving me the courage to even *consider* doing this. Much obliged!

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  38. You've inspired me to write something like this on my own blog, to get those words out, even if I cannot sent the letter.

    Thanks so much!

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  39. def. love the unsent letters. =) im gonna do it and give you credit in my blog. =) thanks.

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  40. Oh lady... I totally have a mini innocent crush on a coworker!! Thank you for making me feel normal!!

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