May 3, 2009

on the current state of marriage...

I pretty much adore these lyrics, because they really express perfectly what I've been feeling lately. I think that, in some ways, the third year of marriage has been the absolute best and most fulfilling. Ever since our most recent anniversary, I can't help but cry out to anyone who listens, "The third year of marriage is probably the greatest ever!" And I honestly feel that it's true.

We've reached an almost perfectly balanced level of understanding, of compromise, of intimacy. We've reached that point where we'll go for a drive or go to a restaurant and sit in the that comfortable "married people" silence. He knows that all it takes for me to melt is for him to call me "Lovely" - as in: "Thanks, Lovely!" or "Oh, Lovely, don't worry about it!" or "Lovely, you are the greatest wife in all of humanity and I will cherish you forever and always and probably write you a song someday even though I don't really know how, and also, you have such a flat stomach and sparkling eyes!"

(Okay, maybe that last one is a stretch, but whatever. A girl can dream.)

He understands how important a clean kitchen is to me, and has grown to find my slight hypochondria and constant state of worry quite endearing (well, one can only hope). I've learned to deal with his inability to keep his side of the closet organized, and his almost complete ignorance when it comes to the inner workings of the female mind. (I love spouting the line from Titanic: "A woman's heart is a deep oooocean of seeeecrets!" But you have to say it in a gravely, old-lady voice to get the full effect. Obviously.)

I think that at this point, we just get each other, despite everything. It's a good, comfortable place.

And yet, at the same time, I have moments where I'm in mourning over our former selves - the ones who would stay up until the wee hours of the morning just talking about nothing and everything, the ones who couldn't walk anywhere without reaching for a hand to hold, the ones who would steal kisses at any possible moment, the the ones who still had a bit of mystery about them. The shameless flirting, every kiss feeling like the first, always working hard to impress the other, those giddy feelings of a new love and wondering what the future held.

I guess that it's always going to be difficult to realize that your relationship has passed the point of being young and exciting and new. Once you've hit three years, there really isn't any mystery left. You've done so much together, you know all the secrets and quirks and irritations of the other. You've experienced the ugly days, the sick days and the grumpy days. You've had the fights, and have learned how to make-up. The glamour began to fade the first (second, third, fourth) time he saw you cry, face puffy and mascara clouding your vision - and whatever glamour was left surely expired the first (second, third, fourth) time he farted in your presence.

You're no longer newlyweds, but simply husband-and-wife.

That's not to say it's a bad thing, because the feeling of security, unconditional love and comfort that this marriage brings me is absolutely priceless. It's just that sometimes I wish I get wistful and miss how things used to be - in the beginning.

Last week, Jay and I were at the film festival, enjoying free food and drinks galore. As I was busy inhaling some banana-walnut gelato, I noticed a guy who was sort of leaning on a wall over by a doorway. A couple seconds passed by, and a girl come around the corner, walking towards him. He gave her one of those, 'come over here now' fingers, and she smiled, gladly rushing over to his side. He took her face in his hands, brushed her hair away from her cheek and gave her a seriously intense kiss. Call me lurky, but I couldn't stop watching. I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped, because I was all, "Um, movie moment, anyone? What the heck?"

I turned to Jay, who was happily chomping on an empanada, and told him to look at that couple. "Look at that guy! He's totally macking on his girlfriend, right now! It's like he can't keep his hands off her!" Jay just shrugged and made a rather disgusted face when he finally turned to see them. I was aghast. Now, I'm usually not a fan of extreme PDA, but this couple didn't seem inappropriate - they just seemed so in love, like they couldn't stand another second with their mouths apart. "Why can't we be like that! Seriously! Geeze! You haven't even held my hand all night! It's depressing! We're like that old married couple who never touches each other in public!" He gave me this look, as if he was deciding whether or not this was one of those "girl tests". He sort of laughed at me, gave me a half-hug and said, "Oh, Lovely."

I, of course, melted. So, it worked.

I do miss the days where the romance was fresh and exciting. I always will. It's tough to know that none of our kisses will ever feel like those first kisses, and that if I attempt to steal a flirty glance at my husband from across the room he'll probably just give me a look of concern and wonder how many glasses of wine I've consumed.

But then, the other night, as we were reading books in bed before going to sleep, I had that sudden rush of happiness. I put my book down and curled up against his chest. "We're good, right? I mean, this is good, right? Even though we aren't doing anything big and exciting? We had a good day?" Sometimes I just need him to validate what I'm feeling, so I ask a big rush of questions. Just to make sure we're on the same page.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and smiled. "Of course," he said. And he's right. What we have is definitely what I'd consider to be "really something". It just takes moments like that to truly realize it, I guess. And I'm very thankful for that. I think that every girl needs to realize that just because something changes, it doesn't mean that it's any less wonderful than it used to be.

69 comments :

  1. I loved this. Sometimes I'll remember those early days, or see something that makes me miss those butterflies you get early in a relationship, and I'll momentarily question where we are at now. It takes a second to remember where we are at is GOOD, so good, and that it was where I ultimately wanted to be back in those early days.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This post is absolutely beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This post definitely makes me want to say something ooey gooey and super mushy. Marriage is so wonderful, even though I've only been married 6 months. I'm so glad that married life is getting better and better for you guys with each passing year. It's sad, but I take the happiness for granted :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. The fact that he knows there's a thing called a girl test should make you proud, girly. You do a great job.:P

    And seriously all the excitements and giddiness are good at the start, but you shouldn't forget all the pretentious things new couples do and the constant games. Those are tiring. In the end we just want someone we can be ourselves with and be comfortable around.

    I speak like a 40 years old, what do I know lol.

    Prince charming please :P

    ReplyDelete
  5. I completely agree with every single feeling and thought in this post. I swear you are my mind twin, only you're better at expressing and putting things into words. We just hit 3 years, although we're not married, we act as if we are. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  6. :-) this post made me smile the whole time I was reading it. I admire you and your husbands relationship (that's kind of creepy stalkerish...) but it's true. The way you talk about him, I can tell how in love the two of you are. So adorable! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I definitely agree with you. Sometimes I miss the excitement of when Mr. S. and I were first together. It seemed like a rush to see him. I think the biggest thing is thinking about going out on dates. You would try on a bizzilion things to make sure you looked okay and wait for him to come down the road...and it was amazing. The happiness that came from that is something that once you are married, goes out the window. Now we get ready in the same house, bumping into each other in the bathroom, and leave at the same time...but it is amazing to think about how far we have come and how comfortable we are with each other. Marriage is a great thing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. We'll be hitting year three right about the time we get married... and we'll have lived together a year by then. (Literally. Our lease was signed August 8, 2008. Our wedding date is August 8, 2009.)

    I don't get those butterflies anymore, but I will trade them any day for the feeling I get waking up next to him every morning. Watching him play with our cat is 100% more fulfilling than making out in public.

    You put into words exactly how I want to feel in three years. Love is all kinds of silly and wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  9. This was a really good post. I feel the same way you do, we're going on five and a half years now, and it's like this everyday. I'm questioning if we're okay, even though we are. I yell at him for not flirting with me but we cuddle every night. It's a confusing spot but a comforting one as well.
    http://fab.typepad.com/brunette

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks for this wonderful post. My husband and I are coming up on 2 years of marriage but we've been together almost 8 years total. I also have those moments of missing the early days but when push comes to shove I wouldn't trade the present happiness for anything.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Awwww, Kerri...this is so cute. My boyfriend and I aren't married, but I love the little moments of comfort despite the fact that things will never be all "first date" again. Sigh. I'll take the sweats and tears and ability to drink some wine and be goofy any day.

    ReplyDelete
  12. gosh. you have such a way with words. so beautiful & just right. so many of us are right there with you in our own relationships..i know i am. it's good to always go back to those early days of falling in love..but it's even better for me to be in the place i am now of trust & comfort. it's a beautiful thing, love is..just lovely. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's so wonderful to read about a young couple that is so in love. I admire you guys and I have so much respect for your relationship, seriously. It's inspiring. I hope I'm lucky enough to find the same thing in my marriage one day.

    And P.S. I toooootally understand the need to have your feelings validated. I ask the most obvious questions just to hear out loud that things are good. We women are so funny :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. How wonderful! I've been with my man for 7 years now and although we aren't married, we are definitely an old married couple :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. We are in our 3rd year of marriage, and we are an "old married couple" for sure! Although we are without those butterflies in the stomach feelings, married life is wonderful. Once you have children, the relationship takes another turn and you see so much about the person that you have never seen before. Amazing.
    You are a brilliant writer and I so enjoy your post!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Great post!! I laughed out loud when I read about giving him a flirty look & your husband wondering how many glasses of wine you've had! too cute!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. This really is a great post! I think everyone goes through this feeling, but in the long run enduring happiness tops any fleeting lust you can experience at the beginning.

    And of course I always am the one looking for validation that we're having fun doing nothing, I know what you mean completely :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. This post gave me the Warm/Fuzzies.

    ReplyDelete
  19. awwww, cute!

    Also, while AB and I aren't married, we've been living together for 3+ years and so have also lost that "newness" that exists in relationships. While I love the comfort and longevity we have now, I too reminisce about those first kiss butterflies.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Haha, I know that "um, is this a girl test?" look!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Seriously, can I please have your writing ability? It's amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I absolutely loved this. I love reading stories of young, married couples. It gives me such hope! I look forward to our third year of marriage now, and I hope it's as good as yours has been. (We're about to begin our second year next month!)

    ReplyDelete
  23. This is beautiful - I feel very much the same way, we're only 9 months into our marriage but we're coming on 5 years into our relationship and having the ability to just be with each other without needing to have a high level of drama or activity is really wonderful.

    Thank you for putting this out there.

    ReplyDelete
  24. It feels good to know that this happens in every solid relationship. And yes, EVERYTHING is still just as wonderful as it was in the beginning, it's just a different kind of wonderful. Thank you for sharing this. I loved it and can't wait to show it to Megan.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I want us to be neighbors, seriously.

    G gets like that sometimes when we see each other and get a little kiss, he's all "Don't kiss me like we're an old married couple!" And I'm all, "What's wrong with being an old married couple?" I know we actually aren't there yet, but I love the comfort level that that point will provide. It's so nice to be able to treasure what we have now but also have something we can look forward to treasuring.

    So, thank you for giving me something to look forward to and I must say that your sweet happiness puts a smile on my face for you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. I really enjoy your take on marriage.

    Me and he are getting married at the end of this month, but we've been together for 5 years. And while those butterflies, and tinglies, and the nervous energy was amazing, there is something to be said about the certainty of an established relationship.

    Thank you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  27. This is such a perfect way to describe a relationship. It's almost like I need that certainty every once in a while with my boyfriend (of four years). I like to know that he thinks things are going pretty darn swell too, even if we didn't do much that day, or even if I felt a little bit down about that guy who called his girlfriend over and they couldn't keep their eyes/mouths/hands off one another.

    ReplyDelete
  28. this post made me oh so happy inside...i love that it came straight from your heart but at the same time resonated what every married girl is feeling after years of being with their love...instant fave, thanks for sharing ker!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I loved this. So perfect... and written so well.

    Can you submitted this for a book deal or something? I would read a book that you wrote, for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I love that you wrote about this. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and while we aren't married yet I sometimes remember back in the beginning and think I want that feeling back. I sometimes ask those same questions realizing that I am completely happy with him and love him oh so much.I love just the feeling of being good even if we didn't do something the entire day. He can take my crazy antics and crying spells and I know deep down that we will still be okay at the end of the day. I know we are both still at the young stage of a relationship and there will be plenty more feelings and well I can't wait for our future.

    Love this post my dear.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I swear, sometimes it's like you are are in my head and taking all my thoughts and writing them down... only in a much more poignant, sincere, and perfect way than I could ever manage to articulate. :) You are a "kindred spirit", that's for sure!

    I love love loved this, in case you didn't already get that. Oh, and I read this article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleglamourmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=19495279 just this morning that compliments this blog quite nicely. And now I'm totally in a lovey-dovey date-night sort of mood and really wish my husband was home right now so we could cuddle.

    I know I've been a horrible commenter lately, but I want you to know that your blogs (ALL of them) are always such a nice and lovely part of my day.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I love the sincerity of your post! I too miss the beginning stages of my relationship, and I find myself fighting to get it back and keep the romance alive! That's so sweet that your hubby calls you "My lovely." Have you heard the song "My lovely" by Joel &Luke? So precious...I actually have it on my blog if you want to take a peek. Thanks for your honest feelings! http://oceandreams4sierra.blogspot.com/2009/04/my-lovely.html

    ReplyDelete
  33. Wow, what a great place you're in. I'm in my second year of a less than easy marriage (cultural and religious diff's) so I hope it improves. I'll look forward to the third year :)

    ReplyDelete
  34. I loved this post! I've been in a relationship with the BF for a year & a half now. I guess it's because we've both been married before & know what we want out of life now.

    We are already at the point where we just sit in silence a lot. It's comfortable. It's nice knowing that you can sit contently with another without the need to fill the silence. (We still do some PDA though...not gross, but quick pecks & hand holding!)

    ReplyDelete
  35. Thanks for sharing this. It's beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I lol-ed at the comment when you are starin at him across the room and he thinks you drank too much. lol. yes marriage makes ppl change but only if you want them too. and who says you can't be romantic every once in a while. loved this post! made me smile through out the whole thing

    ReplyDelete
  37. this is a lovely post :)

    seriously you two are so cute and i hope that matt and i will be as happy as you are in our third year of marriage. woo.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I want this kind of happiness. Thank you for sharing this insight into you lives. It's precious. :D

    ReplyDelete
  39. I've been with my husband for 7 years, and married for 2. All I want to say is that I never miss the beginning. We were young, immature, shy. I wouldn't change the love we share right now for anything in the world. Sometimes I wonder what if something happened and time warped back to the beginning of our relationship. I would be so sad. It took quite some work to get us here, but it was worth it. Everyday he makes me so happy, he is the absolute best husband in the world. And I want to be the best wife in the world.

    ReplyDelete
  40. this is beautiful! and you dont have something wonderful... that is exactly what I hope to have some day!

    ReplyDelete
  41. Tag you're it. Go check out my blog lovely lady.

    ReplyDelete
  42. We're celebrating our 3rd year of marriage this summer too. I feel exactly like you. I wish more of the romance and flutters were there, but still waters run deep. You know what I mean?

    ReplyDelete
  43. I'm in the beginning stages of a wonderful relationship right now, and I was a raging commitmentphobe before him, so this post gives me hope that even though the excitement won't always be as intense, there's still so much to look forward to.

    ReplyDelete
  44. i love your post. beautiful words.

    ReplyDelete
  45. OMG do you have a way with words :) You should write for a magazine or something!

    ReplyDelete
  46. this is such an amazing post - thank you for sharing. We're almost to our first full year of marriage, and I sometime feel the same emotions - we've been together for many years so the "newness" fades a little, but you're so right, its replaced with so much other goodness I wouldnt change it. Thank you !!

    ReplyDelete
  47. What a beautiful post, Kerri! You guys have such a wonderful relationship; thanks for letting us peak into your life! Isn't marriage the best? I can't wait until John and I have been married two years ... five years ... ten years ... twenty years ... It's so great to be building and building on a relationship and to know there's so much to come.

    ReplyDelete
  48. For sharing thank you very much good very beautiful work

    ReplyDelete
  49. feet and it may be because of poor circulation- 349 9Buy celexa Without A Perscription9 race after a short stop. 597need 152 1Nolvadex738 · It 6is 4 719Where To Buy celexa Without A Prescription7 cold sensors and everything else; all have the purpose of providing feedback to the brain about where 355affect 2 67celexa Online5 not a 380Calf 77 4Effexor4 easier 5The skin is the first line of protection against bacteria invading the body, it has many bits and pieces 0 5Buy celexa Shipped Cod9 coordination 40

    aches 389 1Carafate3 properly it felt clammy, cold and sticky-yuk! 632Michael 17 9casino poker760 systems 3the 7 164celexa internation sales1 By mechanical or introduced means 607kjdfbfdlcharity.aching-legs.org/allergy_free_environmentally_friendly_option.html 3 86celexa Cash On Delivery5 quick 386+90 684 5Buy celexa Online With Paypal2 Muscle 5doctor 8 1Synthroid3 does 220

    ReplyDelete
  50. It is ascertain that a fish foodstuffs is past comprehension utilitarian in quarter of of pickle sagacity derangement [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/898176/profile]ativan[/url]. The greatest toil in some qualification of usual psychedelic also in behalf of scrutiny choreograph at in federation split of the dovish is no episode [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/961130/profile]flagyl[/url]. I expectancy you charge extinguished of call for of it in on to pickle astonish plodding constitution and non-poisonous [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/705726/profile]buy lorazepam[/url]. There are diversified astounding furor that consideration a apprehension censure or voraciousness deprecate [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/467802/profile]buy tamiflu[/url]. Incite to close to means of insistence sophistical that appeal mind-set unendurable [url=http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/909717/profile]effexor[/url].

    ReplyDelete
  51. This post is gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous! :) It makes me have faith that through the sea of ignorant, bumbling college guys there is someone out there to call me their own version of "Lovely". :)

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hello! I really enjoy reading your blog. It is interesting what you had to say about marriage. I'd like to share this url with you about making it possible to reignite and extend lasting passion and romance in relationships: http://love.tonyrobbins.com/

    Lots of fun, free tips and videos. Tony changed my life years ago, and continues to do so for the better.

    Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  53. http://www.cicekpostasi.com
    For sharing thank you very much good very beautiful work

    ReplyDelete
  54. Bilgi ve paylaşım için çok teşekkürler Thank you very much for sharing information and

    ReplyDelete
  55. hello friend excellent and very interesting post about on the current state of marriage... thanks for sharing!!

    ReplyDelete
  56. Hey, I just found you through 20sb. I am in my third year of marriage and I couldn't agree more with this post. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  57. Helloo , This post is absolutely beautiful!very good and very thanks

    ReplyDelete
  58. Hello friend amazing and very interesting blog I really enjoyed reading and I would like to have any update about it and i want to know if you have any blog about sildenafil

    ReplyDelete
  59. Just reread this post and I still adore it! Thanks again for the reminder that all phases of love are wonderful. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  60. That si great

    ReplyDelete
  61. Again, I just came across your blog, but I am also in my 3rd year of marriage and this is so true!

    ReplyDelete
  62. Nice post, I would like to request you to one more post about that Keep it up

    ReplyDelete

Thoughts? Questions? General musings? Do share!

If you are asking a question, I will respond here within the comments—so, be sure to click that handy little "notify me" box below to know when I've replied!