April 23, 2009

on missing that imaginary place...

This is going to be one of those posts that I write, where I'm going to sit and wonder afterwards if I should have actually written it, because I'm sure I'm going to sound like a sad little girl. Or emotionally imbalanced. Or slightly hormonal. But, in any case, it's what is on my heart right now, and I just want to put it out there.

The thing is, I'm homesick.

It comes and it goes, really, and it's not a constant thing. However, it's gotten progressively worse in the last couple years.

It's interesting, because moving here was one of the easiest things I've ever done. Mostly because I had no doubt that it was the right thing to do at that exact time in my life. It was a little scary - packing up and moving away from my family and friends and my comfortable bedroom, but still, it was an adventure. And it brought me so many things that I couldn't have even expected. But, at the same time, I didn't move here with the intention of staying here forever. I never even thought about it, really. I know it sounds weird, but I didn't. Even after I got married, I didn't figure that we were going to be the siblings out of our families that were "Californian". Does that make sense?

I guess that as the years go by, it becomes more and more real, being here. The other day I started to think about being "Californian". Honestly, I've never considered myself as being one. I'm from the Northwest. From Eastern Washington. I grew up actually experiencing a change in the seasons. I grew up feeling safe in my own home. I can drive in the snow. I crave the smell of pine trees and the air after a good rain. Yes, I've even been face-to-face with many a woodland creature.

My voice used to say, "Yes, my husband and I are both from Washington and plan on moving back there at some point." But now that voice is getting weaker. My words are slowly becoming, "Well, we're not sure. We may stay here. With jobs and such. I guess you never know. We'll wait and see." And I feel a little deflated, realizing this. Every time I say it, it makes it more and more true, almost. And staying here for the long run seems to be more and more of a reality as the years go by.

It's terrible, because I don't know what it is I'm searching for. A feeling of creating roots somewhere? A feeling of returning to the place that is completely and utterly familiar to me? A feeling of reassurance, knowing I'm living closer to my sisters and parents? A feeling of knowing that I'm living in a place where I feel I truly belong?

At the same time, it's tough to say how I'd want things to be, were I to choose an ideal reality for myself. Things aren't always as lovely as we think they're going to be, anyway. Moving back to the Northwest could definitely be much more appealing in my head as opposed to the actual being there. Who knows, though. I guess that at this point I wonder if I'll ever be able to be completely happy and content living here in California. I would hate for five years to go by, and still have this ache in my heart, and be nowhere closer to that feeling of "home".

I always think of this quote from one of my favorite movies, Garden State:

"You'll see when you move out - it just sort of happens one day, and it's just gone.
And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist.
I mean, it's like this rite of passage, you know.
You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself,
you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something.
I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is.
A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

I do feel homesick for a place that doesn't exist. Because, in reality, things will never be just the way I want them to be. Odds are, my family will never again all live in the same city. I won't get to see my sisters as often as I'd like to. I won't get to be there for my youngest sisters, and watch them grow up. When I'm pregnant, my mom may not be there to sit with me on a weekly basis to calm my fears and encourage me in the ways only a mother can. My kids won't grow up seeing the same things that I saw, or experiencing the same things I did.

Why do these things make me so sad? All I wish for, at this point, is to not be so sad about it. It's moments like these when I wonder if I'll ever feel the way I think I should feel at this point in my life. Honestly, I just feel like a little girl, or something. Not at all like I think a twenty-four year old girl should feel - especially one who is happily married, blessed beyond all reason, and has an absolutely lovely life.


  1. i feel like SO MANY people in my life are going through these exact same feelings. i dont *really* want to live in ohio. i have a fab life (and have had for 5 yrs) in chicago post graduation. when i do go home, i cant wait to get back. but there's just something to be said about being back home. your family, your pets, your local ice cream parlor.

    i definitely call chicago "home" but will it ever feel like a place i will definitely never leave? who knows. what i have to get past is figuring out whether or not i am okay with that uncertainty. and if i'm not, then that's a whole other bag of issues :)

    chin up. we're all in this together...

  2. If I could give you a hug right now, I would. I go through bouts of feeling homesick very often. I think it's different for me, though, because my family is completely broken up. So I truly AM pining for a "home" that doesn't exist. I think it's worse that way.

    The last part of your post really spoke to me; I feel like a little girl sometimes, too. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am a 21 year old, married, woman. But the emotions I have say otherwise. Especially when I miss the way things used to be in my family. Christmas is always especially hard for me, every single year. & truthfully, any time I have a dream about my family, they're all back together. My mother & father are happy & in love, & my dad never left her for another woman. It's so strange.

    Every time I read your blog, I regret that I do not have any words to say to "make it all better." I can only relate to what you say & to how you feel. In any case, by my relating to you, I hope you feel less alone in your thoughts. I swear, we live parallel lives.


  3. California seems like such an interesting place - everyone I know who has lived there always pines for somewhere else, but can't quite seem to leave.

    Maybe a trip up home with Jay in the late fall would be good? Just to get that seasonal feeling and to enjoy it together instead of wishing. Maybe he'll fall in love with it all over again?

  4. I would feel this way all the time. You don't know exactly where "home" is. I think in time wherever it maybe, you and the hubby will create this 'imaginary place you feel like your missing'. Hang in there!!

  5. I know this is very, very different. But I go to school a half hour away from home, in the same state, and I feel this all the time. When I go back to my house, I feel like its not really MINE anymore. I mean, I have my room, and all the stuff I couldn't fit into this tiny dorm room, but that's all that's there- stuff. Everyone has their own lives. My sister is going to be sixteen in June, and I feel like I missed out on a whole year of her life, you know? Like sixteen is a milestone and I missed her growing into it. I'm sorry this is so long I guess I just really related to this, and I really always relate to Garden State, I'm from there haha, and I really hope this feeling changes for both of us.

  6. Oh, I totally understand how you feel about this. I use to feel just like that when I was living in San Diego. I missed my family sooo much and it is really nice to be closer to them. But I am really glad that you recognize your blessings and I hope that you get to go home to visit often and feel like you're not missing out!

  7. Aww, I just want to give you a big hug and say "everything's going to be okay." that's a great quote from garden state. I think everyone goes through these things, and it's normal to miss the past and feelinsg you used to have.
    And right now your life is different than anything before. But past is past, and although it's okay to miss something, as if opening a chapter of a book and reading a memory, you can't dwell on the past because it won't help the future.

    I hope everything turns out okay! Be happy! You have an awesome life!

  8. I understand how you are feeling, I moved to CO from IL. It's been about 3 years and I still get those same emotions. However, I remind myself that I AM Happy in CO with my boyfriend and we have an AMAZING life. I have done something that most people I know back home never would do or experience: live in a different place, step out of your box, grow in ways I never thought possible.

    I don't know what the future holds, if we'll be here, or there, or someplace entirely new. I DO know that right NOW this is where we are meant to be. And also remember, there is NO BOOK that says where you should be at your age in this time of day. To each their own and that is what makes the world so lovely :)

    It will get figured out and there will be a point where you and your husband can say you are home!

  9. I've lived in SoCal my entire life (aside from the 3 years I was in AZ) and it STILL doesn't quite feel like home. I don't know what it is. Too many freeways, I think. It takes SO MUCH planning just to hang out with my BFF who lives like 20 miles away. I love my friends, BF and family, though. So I know I will never ever leave.

  10. Awww I'm sorry you're feeling "floopy" as phoebe would say. I used to feel like this a lot in college. I thought for sure that I was going to move back to Bakersfield even though I said I wouldn't. It's weird though because when I go back now, each time it feels less and less like home. I've only lived here for two years now, and it really feels like home. I love seeing the seasons change here. It's just so much better.

    It's weird though because when I go to Fresno I still drive around and reminisce even though I hated it the entire time I lived there. But it's where Cale and I did the majority of our "growing up" in our relationship. So it holds a lot of little everyday memories.

    How many times have you been home to visit? I think that can impact how you feel. Because the less you visit the more sensationalized it can become in your mind.

    And now I really want to watch Garden State......

  11. uh. this just made me cry. because i feel like i am in exactly the same spot (minus being married). i crave creativity, bought my new camera, but it hasn't filled the void. i have a fantastic life, but there's always something missing. you may have hit the spot- missing home. and now being all 'grown up'- it's not really home anymore. it's a place you remember as home. and the Garden State quotes (one of my fav movies btw)- totally nailed it as well.

    chin up, we'll all find that home feeling again. just takes time.


  12. i wish i could give you a great big hug.

  13. Boy can I relate to this post. We moved away 10 years ago and have been all over. I just found out we are moving again in a year. I long for home, for roots, and for my daughter to know her grandparents. I hope that you and Jay find a peace about where you are supposed to be. On the up side, it's always fun to go home to visit!

  14. It definitely must make you feel better that you're not the only feeling those things... and I am going to add myself to the bunch already addmitting to this.

    When I moved here (across the big pond ;)) three years ago, I never thought of it as "immigrating to the US". I met my husband here, I found a job that I wanted to put on my resumé and I saw us move back to Europe in a few years. At the point where we're right now, I am not so sure about this and that scares the c**p out of me.
    As much as I love my life here in California, I miss my family (who all still live in the same town, btw) and part of me wants to live there with them.
    I don't think that feeling will ever go away.

  15. It definitely must make you feel better that you're not the only feeling those things... and I am going to add myself to the bunch already addmitting to this.

    When I moved here (across the big pond ;)) three years ago, I never thought of it as "immigrating to the US". I met my husband here, I found a job that I wanted to put on my resumé and I saw us move back to Europe in a few years. At the point where we're right now, I am not so sure about this and that scares the c**p out of me.
    As much as I love my life here in California, I miss my family (who all still live in the same town, btw) and part of me wants to live there with them.
    I don't think that feeling will ever go away.

  16. That is why I'm leaving the Bay Area after graduation to go back to Oregon. I never felt quite at home here and I could never figure it out. After graduation and 4 years here I am going back. Not that it's a bad place but it never felt like me, like a home.

  17. Oh man, I hear you. I moved from Pennsylvania to Chicago about a year ago, and I intentionally stopped calling PA "home." I love it here, and I'm happy with my decision. But almost every single person that I care about is not here with me. And although I feel at home here, in a way, it's not the same sense of home where you breathe easy because people are around to take care of you.

    It's hard to say if that old feeling of home will return, but I'm sure that that feeling of homesickness will go away, or at least change. Until you're sure of where you'll move - or stay - or maybe until you have kids, you'll probably always feel a little bit in transition. But someday you will feel settled again (not in the same way that you did when you were younger and living with your parents), and you'll probably look back happily on this time of transition. It's something different that you'll only experience now, and it's not something that you can fix at the moment. So I guess just try to be present in it because it'll work itself out eventually.

  18. I think we all feel that way at times :) you guys will end up where you're supposed to be :)

  19. I know how you feel really. My family lives in Nebraska, North Dakota and ellensburg which is 3 hours away..and I have a 8 year old brother a 16 year old sister and 5 year old sister I don't get to see enough and went through my first pregnancy seeing my mom ONCE!!!!!!!!!! I was and sometimes get so utterly sad and have the exact same feelings of utter loss that I don't know how to function. I wander around trapped inside my head banging on the sides looking and seeing my self trying to get out..ya know..anyways like I am ALWAYS told it's part of growing up...I hate that saying by the way!

  20. I'm new to your blog, and I didn't know that you're from Washington, but live in California. Me too! But, I'm from Western Washington.

    I feel the same way sometimes and it's been especially bad lately, because I haven't seen my mom since last September. My parents will occasionally say things in passing about how they don't think I'll ever come back to Washington and it breaks my heart, because as much as I want to go back, I think I will be here in California for the long foreseeable future.

    I felt especially homesick over Easter after reading everyone's tweets about going home for a big family dinner. I haven't published the post I wrote yet, but I concluded the same thing as you: I think I'm really romanticizing the idea of home. I really hate to do that, because then sometimes when I do go home, I'm disappointed.

    Lately I've been trying to stop thinking of my life in California as something temporary. I'm trying to put down roots, but I'm finding it difficult.

    Hmm, I'm sorry this comment is so terrifically depressing.

  21. first off, i just want to comment on the fact that i went through this awhile ago. i am an east coaster and picked up and moved to Portland, Ore. after i graduated from college. best decision of my life at the time. i learned so much about who i was and where i wanted to go...

    until i got laid off and ran out of money. when i moved back home, i kept telling people, 'i am here until i get my feet back on the ground' but that voice is slowing deflating as well.

    i am madly in love with the pac-NW for many of the same reasons you probably are. its hard though being back home with my family and sharing memories with my parents, grandparents and watching my little sister grow up. you have to just take it day by day and enjoy what you have now...

    life will pull you into the direction you are supposed to be, you just have to acknowledge the signs. [hope this makes you feel a bit better]

  22. I feel the same exact way at times, so I don't really have any good advice. I just hope one day that feeling passes. If you figure it out let me know :)

  23. I totally went through this in college. Like, hard.

    It doesn't help that my extended family is super tightknit and hangs out all the time. I even used that Garden State several times as my AIM away message when I was feel particularly emo. :)

    Moving closer to them has been amazing - I can see them as often as I want without it being any huge deal. We don't live in the SAME town - but only an hour apart. I would NEVER want to live in my old home town - so being in a big city is nice. :) It's close enough to go see them for the day, but far enough to feel like I'm not living in that town.

    At this point, I have no idea where we will live. I'm okay with moving. I moved every 3 years growing up, so I sort of have to be. :) But being near my parents and family will always be attractive to me.

    Last year, they were going to move out of the country...again. I got so upset and realized that I wanted to live close enough to hang out with my youngest brother and sister more often.

    Enough about me - I guess I just want to say that if you truly enjoy being around your family and it's a real possibility - make it happen. :) But I'm the kind of person whose not really "career driven," so take it with a grain of salt. (And it sucks that your parents and little sisters are on the road, so it's not even that possible to be all in one place. Boo.)

  24. First of all, big hug.

    But, more importantly, I have the utmost respect and admiration for you for heading off on your own. I have never done it. I've always lives within 15 miles from my parents but, let me tell you, living near the place where you grew up makes me no more certain about where my home is than you are. I don't think there is such a thing as an "ideal reality." I think the more important question to ask yourself is "Am I happy?" And if the answer is no, then ask what you need to do to make yourself happy. Sometimes it's a change of venue, but sometimes it's not.

    I'm starting to notice from the people around me who are all different ages and in different places in their life that there is no "right" place where you "should" be at a certain age. It's just... where you are. I guess all I can really say is that home isn't necessarily where you grew up. And it might not be where you are now. But you'll find it. I know you will.

  25. I moved to the US from Poland when I was 6 and now I'm 23. I always say I'm going back home. I only see my family once every 2 years or once every year, if I'm lucky. I can feel that same ache because every time I go back, as much as I want to to still be the place I remember, its changed every time. I feel like I'm missing chunks of my life that should have been spent there. And although I wish I could tell you it gets better, after 17 years, that feeling never really goes completely away.

    (Great, now I'm crying.)

  26. I didn't know you were from Washington. I grew up in Redmond until I was 16. I missed living there for many years until I went to college and came back to AZ. I've learned to love living here. Tyler's family still lives in Washington so I think he's kind of in the same boat as you. He keeps mentioning that he'd like to live in WA again some day and I don't think I could. I've already closed that chapter of my life.

    I'd love to live in California though (some day)!!

  27. I recognize this feeling. After living in Kentucky for just a year and a half, I worry if I will ever get to leave...whether I'd ever feel completely happy if I somehow ended up staying...whether this could ever feel like a real home to me. Being single makes it even curiouser...because I wonder whether I'll meet anyone here who would be interested in moving elsewhere. So many considerations...so few answers. But it helps knowing others - like yourself - feel similarly. =)

  28. I am going through exactly the same situation as you are right now.

    I think I'm homesick. But when I go back home, I actually don't think I could live there again. But when I'm here - I just ... I don't know how to describe it.

    I moved 3,000km away. A three and a half hour plane ride away, from everyone.

    I moved up here for a guy. A guy that I love so dearly and wouldn't change a thing. (Well, he too is from the place where I am from, and he moved up a yr prior. But STILL.)

    I get it.

  29. First off, I want to make sure you know that there is NOTHING wrong with feeling the way you do. It doesn't matter how old you are. Being 24 with a lovely life has little to do with the fact that you're HUMAN and you are entitled to whatever emotional roller coaster your lovely life puts you on.

    There are always going to be periods in our life where we're at ease or "at home" and times where we're longing for more... I know that you'll find a balance between the two and find the calm you want so desperately.

    Your post reminds me so much of my best friend, who moved out to the same area of California you're in from Michigan a few years ago. I know it's hard for her to be away from her loved ones and everyone she knows, even though she knows that it was the right choice for her.

    Things will get better :)

  30. We're kind of in the same boat except...I'm being forced to live in Alaska.

    I think a LOT about where I want to live and settle. We've both decided that we're not going back to where we came from. (Honestly, East Washington sounds GORGEOUS and so much better than Polk County, FL!)

    We've thought about staying up here, moving to California, Colorado, or even New Zealand. I just don't like the thought of being in one place for the rest of my life.

    I don't know what I'm getting at here, lol. Just want you to know you're not alone. And also, you may have inspired another blog post. ;)

  31. I totally understand how you are feeling, I have been living in No Cal for approx. 13 years and I'm from Ohio. I miss my family dearly all the time, especially on holidays and birthdays, etc. I have missed my nieces and nephews growing up and that makes me sad, but home is where you are when you are HAPPY! I have to say that when my husband's job brought us out here I was terrified, but we made it home, plus he grew up here. However, we are about to start a new chapter in our lives and we are in the process of moving to TN, not OH but closer to home! I am also a true believer that it is very hard to make the decision to move (anywhere) when you are both employed and have good jobs like we did! =) Luckily or not, we were both laid off from our jobs recently which "forced" us to really consider the move. So here we are about to move 2400 miles away from what I have called "home" for the past 13 years. You guys will find your way to "home" and I think you will feel differently after you have kids, especially if you have NO family in So Cal. (We don't have kids, but I think that might have gotten us back to OH!)

    Good luck - You will end up where you are supposed to be!

    I love your blog! =)

  32. I know exactly how you feel. I moved out when I was 18 & lived halfway across the country from my family. From southwest IL to VA Beach, VA. The whole time I was there, I had the exact same thoughts as you.

    When I finally moved back, I missed the beach & the busy life, but then again, I do feel at home & happy here in the midwest. My mother is 5 miles from me & I see her all the time. My siblings come home from college & stay with her so I have lots of time with them too. It is wonderful having that sense of home & to be honest, I'll never leave here again.

    Cheer up! You have a wonderful life & God will point you where you need to go. These are not childish feelings at all, they are definitely feelings of a grown woman! Just think, when it does come time to have children, maybe that would be the right time to move back...family support, familiar schools/teachers/friends...it will all work out. It always does!

  33. I understand how you are feeling. I have moved away and moved back home numerous times, and still struggle to figure out where I want to be. And its amazing how many stories are out there of people who moved away "for a year or two" but are still away 10 years later. I think once you've lived in more than one place, your perspective of "home" gets a little lost. If I have kids I would love them to grow up where I grew up so that they would have the same fantastic experiences as I had, but there are also so many other places I'd like for them to grow up so that they experience something completely different.

    As trite as it sounds, when I'm feeling homesick and unsure of where I want to be, I try to concentrate really hard on enjoying where I am NOW, because I know I won't be here forever and one day I will miss all the wonderful things I have here.

  34. This is exactly the reason why I write Memory Monday posts. I spend so much time researching things from my childhood, and writing posts every week, going to nostalgic websites and forums, and spending even more time downloading songs and looking for old tv shows online and things like that. I look through my family photographs all of the time. I think we yearn for the time when everything was so easy, and we were always so happy. No worries, no stress, no drama. Things like war and poverty and crime and hate don't exist to children. I know that a lot of it has to do with that family bonding, too. It seems the older we get, no matter how close we are in our hearts, life makes us drift away from eachother as if it's telling us we HAVE to start a new life with a new family of our own (Whether that includes a significant other, or a couple of best friends, or children.) Does this make sense? I have made a promise to myself, that if there is ever a day when we have a child, I will be buying them all of my childhood things from the internet. None of this new fangled stuff. :) (That way I have an excuse to play with it again, too!) Man, I bet I sound like a crazy pants right about now don't I?

  35. too many comments to read, but at the risk of repeating someone else. Ditto. Ditto to all of it. We live in Texas, came here for school, and now I find myself saying, oh we will be here for at least such and such a years, but am I really going to want to uproot Natalie?

    I am scared that we are stuck here, when all I want is to be home (in the NW, weee!) and near my parents. I have to have the hope that one day, I will reach my imaginary place, except it will be real because I will have my children, and they will have their grandparents. I think I just need to be patient.

    Your words put to paper what I could never express. Thank you.

  36. I so get how you are feeling. When I go back to my hometown I still say "I'm going home". It's tough for me to think that where I am right now is my "home" it just feels like a place to lay my head and park my car. But I love the Garden State quote I think that summarizes everything. Hang in there!

  37. so pretty much you are my newest blog crush! just found wishcake and i am completely taken with you and your blog...love it!

    as for this post...ooohh lady! i know what you mean...although i grew up in phoenix, az i spent the first 7 years of married life in washington state (lacy/olympia) and if someone offered me the chance to go back i would in a millisecond...i love it there and when i think of "home" i think of washington...i agree with that quote though i think for the majority of folks home in this life is a fictional place we long to find...and i think the best we can do is find a place we connect with and enjoy and stick our flag in the ground and claim it as ours...so keep your flag in the closet for now...enjoy where you are because you still have to time to keep searching for the place to finally stake it!

  38. I definitely get what you're saying. Seeing as though I've been living in San Diego for 9 years... I still get homesick regularly. I went to college here, met my husband here and we'll be raising our first child together here... yet, I still long for my home town. I definitely don't MISS Bakersfield, I miss my family that lives there. I miss being able to see my parents regularly, I miss being able to hang out with my sister and bro-in-law... and I miss not being able to be near my nephew as he grows up.

    Its funny though... because as time goes on, these feelings haven't gone away, in fact they have gotten stronger. It was hard to plan a wedding away from home... and now its even harder to be having a child away from home. Luckily, my family is only 3 hours away, so they will likely make it to my delivery in time. But its still tough.

    Especially tough when I see how close my nephew is to my parents... and I know Rowan will not have that type of relationship with them. It breaks my heart.

    Hang in there. I wish I had a more upbeat comment for you, but all I was thinking as I was reading your post was, "Exactly... Exactly... that's how I feel too." Home will always be where your family is. That's how I feel. Maybe once Rowan is here I'll feel differently.

  39. You're definitely not alone! I moved from Minneapolis to Dallas last summer and I always told myself that it's just temporary and I'm a Midwestern girl at heart, but I honestly don't know if I'll move back.

    I love that quote from Garden State, it's so true. What you're homesick for (and we all get it) might be more of an idea than a reality, but it seems like something that everyone goes through.

  40. Hi, this is my first time commenting, but I have been following for a little while. I moved to CA a little less than a 1 1/2 years ago and I have a similar home sick feeling. I am from AZ and I don't really ever want to move back, but I do have a home-sickness for that "imaginary place" where my family is near, where I do feel safe enough to leave my door unlocked, and where I don't sit through 1.5 hours of traffic on my way to work.

    I am in an amazing relationship with a guy who is from here and never wants to leave. That is scary. Thankfully his family is great so whenever I do feel that home-sickness for family they always treat me as I'm a part of theirs.

    I really do hope you get a little peace about this.

  41. First, thank you for so eloquently putting into words what I have been feeling and trying to describe to the countless people who ask me why I miss living NJ.

    Although I moved to NC with my parents and still live at home with them, I had to leave my childhood and newly-made college friends behind. Which is something I never realized would have made such a HUGE impact on me.

    There are days when I miss my friends so badly, I can barely catch my breath in between tears. There have been many days/nights when all I wanted was to pop over to one of their houses or apartments, make some snacks and laugh until my stomach hurts. Actually there have been many times when I've NEEDED that. gchats, facebook, texts, etc are just not the same.

    Making new friends and building a "bond" has been very difficult for me (more difficult than I ever imagined or realized it would be). I go out with some of my co-workers but it's just not the same. and we usually just end up talking about work.

    Sometimes I get upset that they are all going on with their lives and seem to be handling my absence just fine. Meanwhile, I'm down here and feel so alone even though I'm surrounded by wonderful family. I miss that quality "girlfriend" time that I took for granted.

    But there are times when I catch myself romanticizing some of my memories and I need just to focus more on my life here because it is a good life and I have many things to be thankful for.

    *BIG HUGS*

  42. I've been reading your blog for awhile and you always seem to write exactly what I'm feeling - it's kinda freaky! I moved to Alberta from the east coast 4 years ago for school - my plan was to stay here for the 2 year length of my program, then move back home, settle down with a nice New Brunswick boy, live on a horse farm in the country, and start my family. Instead I ended up falling for an Alberta city slicker who had never seen a chicken, never mind a horse (!!), getting married, and buying a condo in Edmonton. Not exactly how I pictured it, if you know what I mean. I get homesick a lot, especially now that I'm married and we're talking about kids - I want my kids to know my family too! And I don't want them to grow up in the city - they'll get shot! All that rambling to say I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL - gosh, I'm long-winded. I hope you find some kind of peace about all this soon, I love your blog!

  43. I understand your sentiments... I grew up in WV and never had the intention of living in the DC Metro area. However, since moving here I can't imagine living anywhere else. It's become a part of me- I think of it as home. (Now I'm not saying I don't miss my friends and family members back in WV... but I realize that I needed to do this for me.)

  44. because family is important. and we're at the ages now where we're independent enough, but still pretty new at that. be open to possibilities of moving back or staying put, but keep it a priority to strengthen those bonds from any distance.

  45. *huggles*

    I could have written this post, in many ways (although perhaps not as eloquently). I live in the same place that I "mostly" grew up, but I always feel like I'm searching for something. Something that I don't quite understand, or don't quite know. Even if you and I are incredibly blessed, perhaps we're just the type of people who always stive for more. Sometimes, it's just never enough... and then you/I end up feeling guilty for overlooking all the blessings we do have.

    I just hope I find my "place" in the universe at some point, because this feeling of being a wandering nomad is getting old. I just want to feel like this: "I have arrived, this is right, bring it on."

    Too much to ask? I hope not.

    I'm glad you posted this post. Hang in there, kiddo. We'll be alright.

  46. I'm going through the exact same thing....I blogged about it today, and it seems that a lot of people are feeling the same way.

    I hope you find your answer and can be at peace with whatever you decide.

    I feel like I'm in the same boat as you, happy (sorta), but looking for the next best thing.
    I'll be following from now on, have a great weekend!

  47. That's one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite movies too! I think... I think it's hard. Because when I think of "home", I always think of a place that doesn't exist anymore- I'm never the age I am now, my parents are still married and everyone is still in love with lock up jeans. So you are definitely not alone. I struggle with this too, and found a quote the other day that I liked that reminded me of what you are writing about here (and what I was going to write about, but you know, this is the reverse Meg Ryan thing- I can't write about it now, you already did! And did it so well!) Anyway. Here's the quote:

    "Home is where somebody notices your absence."
    Aleksandar Hemon

    And for reasons I can never explain or maybe don't have to- that quote makes me feel better. It makes me feel like... home can be more than one place and that is a comforting thought. Have a good weekend lovely!

  48. I am going through this too! I constantly waffle between wanting to move back to NY, stay here in DC, or go somewhere totally random.

  49. I know I will probably move someday and I always wonder what it will be like. I mean, I've lived in 4 different places but all within 1.5 hours of each other. That doesn't count, hah. ALL of my family live here, and if I were to move far away I always wonder if I could handle that, I know I wouldn't want to want to handle it. If that makes sense? Chris moved here from MI almost 3 years ago from all of his family, and I always try to think about that too. I don't know if I could ever do that!

    On the same note, kind of, this site is really cool: http://www.findyourspot.com/
    You should try it ;) Many of my top places it picked for me were Washington! Tacoma was my 2nd top pick.

  50. Can I just ditto you? I am from the southeast. All my family is there and all the hubs family is from NY. We moved to Cali thinking we would be here 1 year and it has been 2 1/2. We are finally looking at buying a house because we are sick of renting and thinking we are moving sometime soon. We are even looking at houses with good school districts for 4 years from now when my baby starts school. I never thought that would happen! I miss my family so much, but I am just trusting that we are still here for a reason. There are good things in store for us (and you!)not only in the future, but now too!

  51. Hey! I understand the homesick feeling. I think you have every right to miss a place so beautiful and comforting as Washington. You hang in there!

    Oh, and by the way, I am totally adopting you as a friend. I had sooo much fun getting to know you last night. We definitely need to have more adventures and girl time! I love that you bravely met some blogging strangers and hung out with us for a night :D

    As for Anne Hatheway, yep. I get that A LOT. It's really funny. I take it in stride, and I get it sometimes more in my life than others. Maybe if I can't find another teaching job I could be her stunt double? You think?

    Anyways, I will now be stalking you on your blog, and I am currently browsing your online store. Very cute! Hope work isn't too terrible today! Good luck!

  52. I live in Jakarta my whole life and I feel like home but I wanna experience living somewhere else. I just don't feel content. I think it just takes time for you..Maybe you can visit your family and see how you feel :)

  53. This post truly touched me. I feel the exact same way you do...and you put it so well. I especially loved the quote you used from the movie...

    I moved to Cleveland about 3 years ago to be with my husband. We now live about 5 hours away from both of our families. We've never wanted to stay in Cleveland...just came here for the job. But...I would've figured we would've done something by now. I feel like I start the same conversations so many times...like I feel unsettled in a house I don't own...in a job I don't want...in a city I don't like...just waiting for the "right time" to move.

    And when we go home...it's not the same. My sister and brother no longer live there...so it's always different to come home. Honestly...it's not home anymore. But when do you stop calling it home?

  54. Hi! I'm new to your blog, but I wanted to say thank you. You managed to put into words what I've felt for a very long time, and just couldn't figure out how to say. I love that there's someone else out there who knows how I feel, and based on all the comments here, we're not alone! So, hi, and thank you. It's great getting to "meet" you. :)


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