on being true to myself...

I've been thinking a lot about the type of person I am. I know that I consistently tend to over think things, and still this is one subject that is on my mind. Maybe it has something to do with my age? With this exact point in life?

I've always wanted to be one of those people who is completely and utterly genuine. Someone who doesn't shift and change depending on where they are or who they're with. I guess, in a way, it's a good thing when you're able to fit comfortably into most situations, to be a bit of a chameleon. And I think that I'm able to be like that, at this point in life. But I guess I just want to make sure that I'm not sacrificing my true self at the same time. Does that even make sense? It's rather hard to put into words, I guess.

And I think I'm pretty genuine. I try to be. But there are moments where I know I'm not being honest, not representing myself as accurately as I could. As accurately as I should.

It's funny how sometimes it's so easy to be completely real, but it just doesn't happen. Often times it's because of the environment I'm in, when my comfort level is a bit off. But mostly I find that much of it is based on who I'm with. Because, really? I just want to be liked. And not in the "I'm now going to shoot heroin into my eyeballs because everyone else is" sort of way. It's more along the lines of an "I really want to get along with you, no matter who you are" kind of thing. When I find something in common with someone, or something appealing about them, or something that makes me laugh, I completely latch onto it. And somewhere along the line, when I'm busy figuring people out and finding the bits and pieces about someone that helps me connect with them, I sometimes end up acting quite unlike myself. Or at least, a version of myself that simply isn't accurate. I know that last year I did a lot of that, for some reason. Twenty-two was a good year, but it was full of changes, personal discovery and a few things I wish I could do-over. Twenty-three was better. Twenty-four has been great, so far. This past year has been different because once I realized that I wasn't being completely true to who I knew I was, I immediately wanted a change.

At least I have that much going for me, right? I'm in a constant state of self improvement. Problem is, I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where I feel I'm there.

And at this point, here are the things I am sure of:

I know that I'll probably never feel completely like a grown-up, despite how many grown-up things I do. I'll clean the duplex, maintain a full time job, run errands, manage our money, get up early, stay up late, pay rent, attempt to be as responsible as humanly possible. But in my heart, I'll still feel like a little girl with her head in the clouds, who still likes to think that it's possible for things like fairies to exist, that wishes do come true and that love is everlasting.

I know that I do enjoy a good glass (or three) of wine, but I'm definitely not a party girl. I know so many people who seem to live that lifestyle like there's no tomorrow, but apparently I can't. And I'm completely okay with that. For a while, I just really wanted to be one of those girls (to a certain extent, mind you) but I realize that when it comes to being slightly tipsy, I'd rather be on my own couch, drinking seriously cheap wine, watching ridiculous television with my husband or one of the besties. I don't need to go out and drink at bars and then ultimately end up un-tagging myself from a bunch of unattractive photos on Facebook. (It's happened.) Sure, I have some great memories, especially with M and her group of friends, and not all of them ended up as regrets, but I've definitely had my share of, "Um, I said what?" moments. Definitely not the type of person I am. At all. And that's completely fine. I just need to remind myself of that when I am in certain situations. (I wish I had a shoulder angel sitting on my shoulder who could stab me in the neck with her tiny fingernails when I'm not making the right decisions. That would be quite convenient, if you ask me.)

I know that I'm most comfortable in my own skin, when I'm only in my skin. I tend to pick myself apart more when I'm wearing something and it makes me feel lumpy and bumpy. I like being able to look at myself as I truly am, and appreciate it. In the same way, I'm sure I'll never, ever feel like my stomach is flat enough, and I'll always love food too much to be a complete health nut, and although I have discovered a love for running, I know that I'll never be someone who consistently works out as much as they should. Also, I'm not going to be seriously tan ever, despite how hard I try. But lately I've looked at my fair complexion and quite liked it. I've decided that I need to stop looking at beauty magazines. Because you know what? That song was right. They make me feel ugly. Why do I give them that power?

I know that I'll never be a girl with designer handbags or a wonderfully eclectic style. I'm just...me. Happy enough in my tanks, jeans and locket necklace (that I wear pretty much on a daily basis). Sometimes I like to wear something slightly more eccentric, and I need to learn to be more confident in that.

I know that I'm happy when I'm alone. I can be alone, and be okay.

I know that I'll never be one of those girls with a huge group of friends. I've never been like that, really. It's more important to me, to know that I've made a strong connection with a handful of people. That's what friendship is to me. I just want to find people who will last. People who will always be there. People who truly understand me. I think that part of the reason for my being this way is having grown up with sisters. We were each other's best friends (even if at certain points we wouldn't have admitted it) for years. We never really had to look outside our own home for someone to play with, someone to confide in. Even now I count them as my best friends. And I know I've always felt satisfied with that, and known that I didn't have to go searching to find that in someone else. But I am thankful for the friends I have found, the friends who are there no matter what. They are truly my gems.

I know that I'll never be college-minded or career-minded. Well, in a certain sense. My dream job would be to work for myself, to sit around all day in a corner of our home, simply creating things. I may work for a corporate company at this point in life, but it's certainly not enough for me. Or maybe it's too much for me? I'd rather have more simplicity. A job where I feel like I'm truly doing what I love, and sharing it with others.

I know that I definitely want kids within the next several years, but right now? I'm genuinely okay with not having them in our immediate future. I love what Jay and I have right now. I love it. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I found myself pregnant at this point in life, random baby-fever or not. And it is seriously irritating to me when people turn around and say, "Well, you're never really ready to be parents. It's never really the right time." So, you think we should just give it a go now, when we are perfectly content not having children? Gah. I hate when people think they are being wise, and instead, they are just making me want to sock them. Anyway, I have no doubt that I will know when the time is right. Honestly, that's how life has been for me thus far. And being a mother has always been on my great list of things to do in life. Always.

And I know I do have a lot to work on as far as truly loving myself, accepting the things I can't change. Writing down the things I am sure of certainly helps, though. And we'll see where the rest of twenty-four takes me. Hopefully it's in the right direction.