October 1, 2008

on getting older, missing more...

I have issues with certain things. Growing up is one of them. I think that this is always extra apparent to me when the holiday season rolls around. And I've been realizing that although I always figured it would become easier as the years went by, it is simply the opposite. And it makes me kind of sad.

Last night, as I was driving home from work, I had part of a book stuck in my head.

"It's Halloween, it's Halloween, the moon is full and bright. And we shall see what can't be seen on any other night."

It's from an old Jack Prelutsky book, one that we would read pretty much every single night during the month of October when my sisters and I were young. And I do mean every single night. (I'm pretty sure we also read a book about a spider that couldn't come up with a Halloween costume until he finally painted himself orange and decided to be a pumpkin, and that one was pretty good too, but perhaps that's a story for another day.) Anyhow, whenever October rolls around, I always think of this book, and hate knowing that nobody is going to sit on the couch in the evening and read it to me.

(Yes, I'm seriously twenty-four. I think.)

As I was driving home last night, the words of that little poem repeating in my head, I couldn't help but cry. A Halloween poem made me cry. I would have laughed, had I not been, oh, crying.

And maybe I'm just extra emotional lately. Maybe I'm just a silly girl who can't seem to grasp the idea that I am an adult and need to act as such. I need to realize that, yes, these are sweet memories and I am lucky to have had those moments to spend with my family, but that's all they are...sweet memories. Part of me thinks that maybe I'm sad because every year that passes takes me further awayfrom these days that I cherish so much.

And I'm not sure why exactly I'm the one who has such a time moving on and growing up. It's like I'm the daughter that simply can't accept it. I don't think any of my other sisters struggle with this at all.

Yes, I'm the one who had a 2 year college degree at eighteen. Yes, I'm the one who moved out of the state at the age of nineteen. Yes, I'm the one who discovered her independence and learned to love it. Yes, I'm the one with a whirlwind love story, engaged after only weeks of dating. Yes, I'm happily married for two-and-a-half years and adore being a wife. Yes, I have a full time job and clean our duplex and shop for groceries and pay rent and seem like a well-rounded grown-up on the outside.

But, on the inside? Sometimes all I want is to curl up on the couch and have someone read me a book.

26 comments :

  1. Oh, what a sweet memory and a great post. I have that very book. I to have a problem with getting older.. I think about how old I am sometimes and then think about some of the things that I haven't done yet but want to and I feel like I am running out of time.. although 32 is not that old.. it's not that young either.. and when I dwell on it..it kinda freaks me out.

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  2. Word on the street is that husbands can read books.

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  3. I love Mark's comment. It made me giggle.

    Anyhoo, I completely agree with you! You are not the only one out there! I am a nostalgia freak. I love anything and everything to do with memories of my childhood. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I go to YouTube, and type in 90's tv shows just so I can watch videos people put together of stuff like that. I sit, and I remember. And it always makes me happy knowing that I was lucky enough to have such a fun childhood. Yeah, I get sad because I can't experience it anymore, but that's the beauty of memories. Being able to pass stories like your halloween poem on to your kids one day (or other people's kids haha) but seriously, I know where you're coming from.

    All that being said, I love your new header, except it's missing a key part....



    A picture of you making a silly face!! :D

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  4. I miss the magic of being a kid too. During October and December, my hubby and I take turns reading each other "bedtime" stories...

    Having those memories is what makes me look forward to having kids - so I can create memories with them that they'll long for when they're adults.

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  5. Just think, though... there are so many more NEW memories that you're going to get to make. :)

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  6. I love children's books, too. I was read to a lot as a child as well. My favorite is There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly. I can read the entire book to my nephew from memory. He thinks it is hilarious!

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  7. You can ber grown up, and do grown up things, and still have whimsy in your life. It's not the same, but I reckon your husband would read the book to you.

    Here's a thought too, one day you'll have children, and you can read those books to them, and give them that feeling you loved!


    P.s. I love your new banner!

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  8. Aww, now you got me thinking about all those old books! I love it. See, this is why we need to hope on the baby making bandwagon soon ;) Re-live our childhood!

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  9. Home for a bunny was my favorite book when I was growing up!

    Engaged after a few weeks! wow! thats exciting!

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  10. Oh I know how you feel. I'm almost 29 and while I was away I missed my family too. The more amount of time that passed the more I missed them. I agree with "Mark"... you should make Jay read with you. It will be sweet, cute, and funny. Channeling you - you are a peach and a gem. :)

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  11. Oh my gosh, I feel this way EVERY DAY! I'm the go-get-em child as well, but I freak out about my age. I'm 22 today and tomorrow I'll be 30, the next day 45, and where did my life go? I usually get a bit depressed around my birthday (Nov.), because I'm one year older.

    I think this is why children are so far off for me, because I feel like I'm a child. I have no idea how I have a full-time job and do all kinds of adult things : /

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  12. I definitely relate to this post. I agree the holiday season can make us swoon for a simpler time... even when we are completely content with our semi-adult lives. And you know what? I think that's okay. Go ahead and cry. But maybe in a few years, you can read that book to a child of your own? Hmm?

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  13. hello from the queen of the criers lately. :) how is it that i'm starting to sport the stacy-from-what-not-to-wear gray streak (I KNOW. AM 25.) and yet when I think about my mommy or daddy dying all I can do is cry over how much I'll miss them? No more getting old. It sucks.

    You know what else is great about being a grown up and having your own babies (or having friends with babies)? When they get big enough to read and they can read to YOU. My Godson's older sister turned 7 on Tuesday and there's nothing better than having her show off her readin' skillz. Go kidnap a kid. :)

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  14. I miss that book too! I think I need to get a copy somewhere:) If I find it before my trip, I shall read it to you, how that?
    :)

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  15. I also miss my youth. It doesn't seem like that long ago, yet it does. Every passing day takes us further away and it's sad.

    Have a wonderful day!

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  16. so you also kind of dislike your job, right? have you ever thought about childcare and/or teaching? make somebody else's childhood awesome. i can tell you from experience that nannying is exactly like being a kid all over again for 8-10 hours a day. you can say silly things and dance to raffi and eat macaroni and cheese with no one to answer to because that little guy thinks you're the most amazing thing ever for being that way. you'll still be a grown up, but you'll be the most carefree version of a grownup you could ever hope for.

    and you'd get to read that book over and over again.

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  17. Yes! to have someone read to me, and not in a droning monotone either, would be heaven.

    Peace - Rene

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  18. I remember that book too!

    It must be so difficult to be away from family like that. While independence is exciting and fulfilling and you've got your husband who you love, a part of your heart is just a little too far away.

    The holidays coming must mean a visit with family is around the corner though, right? If not for Halloween, for Thanksgiving?

    I hope you get to see them soon!

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  19. Very sweet post....honestly when I feel like that I grab one of my puppies and start the cuddle-fest.

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  20. Well, why not have your husband read you a book? It might sounds mad at first, but me and my boyfriend actually do that sometimes, whenever one of us finds a book that they really need to share with the other. It's okay to still embrace childhood things and still be an adult.

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  21. Wow..! Halloween poems are my all time favorite.

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  22. I know exactly what you mean. There is just something about those childhood days and the simplicity and innocence that came with it... I don't know if we ever stop missing it completely. I will tell you what helps though (although just a warning, this may not be good for your baby fever :)) Somehow, when you have children of your own, it feels a bit like you are recapturing your own childhood. You get to recreate those things that you loved so much, for your own children. And that is a wonderful, beautiful feeling. Also, it totally give me an excuse to be silly, immature, and childish myself-- "but honey, I'm just entertaining the kids." :)

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  23. Man, I so know what you mean ... sometimes I wish I could just go back to being a kid. Oh the memories.

    I def am not suffering from the baby fever like a certain cute blond girl I know (hee. you!) but whenever I get nostalgic for childhood, it does make me want to have kids one day so I can create great memories with my own kids.

    I agree with Mark -- I think your hubby should totally read you a book! John and I have read a couple kids books to each other! hee. We're dorks.

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  24. Wow it sounds like you grew up fast, but I love your blog and you are so insightful and I think all of this is part of what makes you - you! I know what you mean about getting older, my heart is out there. I think that is the nice part about having children. Although I don't agree with living through them you can live internally with them, and deeply understand and relate to their joy.

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  25. Ditto. Peter Pan syndrome rears its ugly head. Sigh.

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  26. "And maybe I'm just extra emotional lately. Maybe I'm just a silly girl who can't seem to grasp the idea that I am an adult and need to act as such."

    You just cleared up so much for me about how I have been feeling lately. You inspire me. No. Really.

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