August 4, 2008

on who I am at the moment...

Sunday = bunday.

I am...

...seriously wanting to become a better photographer, and wish that I had some other friends around me with that same desire. I find so many inspiring people online, and wish that someday I could just scoop them all up and plop them into my front yard and we can enjoy popsicles and a day of photography. That's my idea of a good time, anyway.

...thinking it would have been fun to be a hippy. Sans the LSD, of course. Part of me still wants to move to Seattle and be an earthy, organic, thrifty, modern-day hippy. Sans the dreadlocks, of course. Whenever I go to Seattle I see people like that and they seem so freaking awesome. Granted, this is probably one of those things where I'm all, "GAH. WHY NOT ME?!" but then I realize that I'd never actually be able to be someone like that. It just looks like fun.

...honestly fluctuating between contentment with my body, and some irritating need for perfection that I hate. And as much as I like to think I have a good body image, I really don't alot of the time. It's just the curse of being female, perhaps. Constantly comparing, constantly striving for those few last pounds, constantly wondering what others think of me. I wish I could instead truly appreciate what I have in a more constant way. I don't like feeling this way, and as much as I think I've changed, something comes along and brings me back to reality.

...in a crafting rut. I seriously need to fill up my store with more goodies, and I have a few new ideas, but it's just a matter of sitting down and DOING IT. I hate feeling unmotivated, especially when it comes to crafting.

...feeling quite frustrated with certain things at my job. It kind of wears a person down, you know? And I guess we should leave it at that.

...wondering if I'll ever get this brilliant song out of my head. Adele, you own my life.

...very thankful that I've been able to enjoy a record amount of dinners with the husband in the last week. I feel like much more of a "normal married couple" that way. If there is such a thing.

...desiring to find a church that both Jay and I can agree on. This has been a bit of a constant theme since we got married, and we're still trying to work through it. He assures me that he'll be fine with whatever I choose, but I also know what type of place he feels most comfortable with, and there is the problem. I don't want it to just be my decision, and him just following along. We are both Christian, thankfully, but I never imagined that it would be so difficult to please both of our desires for worship, tradition, spiritual growth, familiarity, etc. He is worlds more traditional and I want something more modern. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. Are there any other married couples out there with this problem?

...giddy about finally ordering a book that I've wanted forever: Keri Smith's The Guerilla Art Kit. I adore her illustrations and style. This is an adorable book full of little things you can do to inspire, in everyday life. According to the Amazon description, it "shows how small artistic acts can start a revolution". Don't you just love it?

...thinking that someday I'd really like to write my own memoir.

...not wanting to go running today, but know I'll feel like poo if I don't.

...someone who has this constant desire for something to be happening. I realize this alot more lately. It's a hard thing to explain, actually, and I don't know how to put it into words. As much of a calm, homebody as I am, I still have this constant ache for something to happen. And now I think I'm just confusing myself. Let's move on.

...going to attempt to have a ridiculously positive attitude all week. The way I used to be. Not letting things get to me as much. I think this means I'm going to be taking alot of time-out's to take a deep breath and count to ten and realize that this, too, shall pass.

21 comments :

  1. i bought the guerilla art kit right before we moved into the new house and i LOVE it. i haven't had the time to actually DO any of the things that are in there yet, but oh man... when i get there? watch out.

    you're a size 2. i'd kill to be that. and while that doesn't help you as much as it should, just know that there are other girls out there that would trade their body for yours in a heartbeat. (hey, i always try to remind myself of just that.)

    and i *might* be in socal the first week in september. if thats the case, we're totally eating popsicles and going on a photography expedition. i'm not even joking a little bit.

    xo

    ps. i've always secretly wanted dreadlocks.

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  2. your hair is beautiful... I love buns.

    The hippie thing made me laugh... my hubby and I just watched a two-hour documentary on the History Channel last night about hippies (quite interesting), and when you wrote that I couldn't help but picture all of that crazy stuff they talked about. And I just couldn't make you and all that go together... but at least you did say you wouldn't do LSD. :) Those were some HARDCORE hippies in the 60's. Whew.

    Great thoughts, and I relate to you on so many of them. Hooray for a positvie attitude this week!!

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  3. i love your honesty.

    one of these days i'm going to pop over to your etsy store and actually buy something. i'm there to admire quite often, but i need to wait until i get an actual job to start buying your lovely things. you should make me an ipod nano case. i would love you forever.

    keep smiling:)

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  4. I can completely relate to so many of the things you're going through. I'd love to be able to have people in my daily life, outside of my computer, who share my interests so that we can enjoy the hobby we all love together and learn from each other and just have fun!

    I think you right... it is the curse of being a woman to constantly strive to be better or more perfect. This same desire has positive results as well, because we pay close attention to detail and we have very high standards. Unfortunately it also means beating ourselves up for not being "perfect" sometimes. Hopefully we have enough self esteem and people in our lives who love us to counter those thoughts and bring us back down to appreciating all that we are.

    If it makes you feel any better I think that your blog and your duplex and your crafts are all adorable and I'm jealous of your cozy little life! You seem to have so many things going for you that you enjoy, and a wonderful person to share it with. The grass really is always greener... :)

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  5. I can really relate. I'd especially like to pick up my blog friends and bring them over to me, because I find that I normally have so much more in common with them than my day to day friends.

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  6. someone who has this constant desire for something to be happening...As much of a calm, homebody as I am, I still have this constant ache for something to happen.

    Girl, I TOTALLY get you on this one. I couldn't have said it more accurately myself.

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  7. Seriously, why can't all my blogger girls live next door? It's not fair! ha. And um, I totally wish I was a hippie in the 60s, but yeah, I don't think I'd be down with the free love and drugs, but I'd love to be protesting and just living moment to moment, being all earthy and such. Oh wells. Ok, I totally get what you mean about wanting something to happen -- I sometimes even want something bad to happen, if that makes sense? Not something bad but I guess an adventure, a challenge? Who knows! Maybe I'm nutz.

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  8. I really like your Who I Am At The Moment posts. I think maybe I'll steal/borrow this theme from you.

    It's August now and Summer is going to wrap up. I believe that you and I were supposed to meet sometime this season. We're running low on time...

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  9. Hello, found your blog, and I love it.

    In response to any other married couples having trouble finding a church? YES!!!!!!!!!!!! We're in Orange County too, a bit south of you, and we have differnt schedules, and we want to go together, which just can't happen every weekend, and then there's the fact that we are OPPOSITES, so it's very hard to find a church that we both want to call home and invest ourselves in.

    And, I bought a book this weekend (on the bargain rack) at Barnes & Noble, called, "Do I Look Fat in This?" By Jessica Weiner. I've just read the first 20 pages or so, but it is very good. She says the obvious, nobody's perfect, but there's an inner problem when you constantly are unsatissfied w/your appearance (which I am as well). Well worth the $4.00 it cost me :)

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  10. Thanks for the link to the Adele song. I'm hooked too!

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  11. I love Adele. Her voice is amazing, though she's not in your face with it like some singers. Her whole CD is great.

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  12. About the church thing: pretty much why I'm still single. Hopefully in Vancouver...

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  13. Oh, your body image paragraph describes my current state to a tea!

    I lost 40 pounds last year and got down to 125. I never felt better! Then, somehow, I let 15 of those pounds creep back onto the scale and I am feeling awful about it. So, today I started the Couch-to-5K program. And I am hoping I can kick these 15 pounds to the curb for good!

    Don't beat yourself up, you are a gorgeous girl and you have every reason to be proud!

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  14. You are so adorable and inspiring!

    And ohhh yes, my husband and I went through the whole finding-the-right-church thing that you and Jay are dealing with. It's not pleasant, that's for sure... but you are absolutely right -- it's a blessing you're both saved. I can't imagine how hard THAT would be, as different as we are already, haha. Good luck in finding a place you can both call home -- it's out there!

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  15. i've always wanted to be a hippie too! but the kind that walks around in long, flowy (eco-friendly!) skirts with flowers in their hair singing a bob marley song.

    my mom and I (not quite the same as a hubby) are currently in the midst of trying to find a new church that we LOVE. we've been going to one consecutively for the past year but it's just not like our hometown church. my mom says things like this require a lot of patience and it will all work out.

    positive attitude for the week? YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

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  16. I completely echo the hippie mentality. Here I am, I work in a corporate world but on the weekends I just want to groove and be. Again no LSD. But just to be free thinking. And wear long free hair and think of peace. Yep.

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  17. I love Keri Smith! You should definitely look up her website too...I don't remember it off the top of my head, but it's good stuff!

    I don't claim to be an expert at marriage and knowing how that works, but having had to look for a local congregation several times in my life I know about. I think if you just keep visiting places you'll find one you both just feel a groove with. Perhaps too if you decide what the absolute most important thing for the both of you is and seek that out. For me it's always community, and the guy I'm with now turned out to have that in common...despite very different church backgrounds and often different priorities. So we've settled into a place that we both really love because the heart of it is all about community and in line with our top priority.

    Ok...sorry I wrote you a book!

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  18. It's amazing how a simple dinner with your husband can make you feel so connected and family-like.

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  19. Have you seen previews for the new season of Tori & Dean? In one episode he's crying talking about his son, and how he can't 'be there' for him. I also wonder if his son or ex wife watch the show (hope they don't for their own health and sanity), because in one episode he was talking about Tori's, uhhm, lady parts, and I would throw up if I was his child watching that!

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  20. okay, great post. i can relate about the photography. i'm always working to be better and it is nice when you have people close to you that are interested or even pursueing the same 'dream' or goals so you can share, encourage, inspire.

    it would be cool to gather all of us up together and plop us somewhere to share and learn. ahhhhh.

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  21. Were you inspired by Whoorl to do that bun!? If so, I love you because I wore my hair that way last week.

    Hon, you are so passionate about your creativity - and until you can find a way to weave that into your work or your daily life more often, you're going to feel unsettled. I just see how excited and TALENTED you are, and desperately want you to go for it!! :)

    As far as church stuff, Mike and I sort of grew together out of our conservative Christianity to a more progressive faith together. THAT? Rocks. But it's still super hard to find a church. (And since we try to avoid driving too...or at all, to go to church, sometimes we have to settle. It's a problem, really.)

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