July 8, 2008

on thoughts and such...

I feel like there are so many things pulling me in so many different directions. I'm aware this is a constant theme of mine, but it's still on my mind, and I'm an emo kid (sans the emo haircut, thankfully) and need to write it out sometimes.

You know how I roll.

The thing is, I wish I could be more content in the moment. I feel like I'm always looking around the corner for what's next, always eager to reach the next stage. I can't just sit back and bask in the present. Which is odd, because I really never used to be like this. At least, I don't think so. But then, perhaps my perceptions have always been off. Who knows?

There's that, and I also have these weird jealousy pangs lately. All the time. With silly, trivial things. Sometimes, it's things I don't even want. But that I think I want. Or could conceivably want at some point in the future. I'm not sure when I caught the covet-thy-neighbor's-everything bug, but it's certainly alive and kicking right now. And I really hate it. Especially when it makes me feel like an ungrateful little wench.

Because really? In some ways, I do have it all. I need to stop being so ridiculous.

For one thing, I feel like Jay and I have been on the exact same wavelength lately. Isn't it lovely when that happens? That's not to say that under normal circumstances we are at each other's throats. I guess for the last couple weeks things have just been even better than ever. I've been seriously working on my grace, and not jumping down his throat for silly things like leaving an entire bagel's worth of crumbs on the counter in the morning or leaving three pairs of shoes under the coffee table. In turn, he has been helping out alot, and following through on things alot faster without my reminding him constantly. Each little thing moves on to another, and it's like this perfect flow of give and take. After he does these things, I point out how nice of him it was to do, and then I go about cleaning the kitchen and not really minding because, well, he just made me steak for dinner, then took out the ooky garbage without my asking him.

Dude. Steak. There are hardly words. (Sorry, my vegetarian friends. I'm a beast. It's an issue, really.)

Anyway, I guess we've just been perfectly in tune with each other lately. It's the little things that I notice most. The other night, I was trying to get to sleep and it was ridiculously hot in our bedroom, despite both the windows being open, the ceiling fan going on full blast, and another fan pointed directly at me. It was a veritable wind storm in our bedroom, but to no avail. I would have ripped all possible clothing off, had I not been completely paranoid about some homeless man peering into the window while we slept. (I worry about things like this. I'm paranoid.) I was tossing and turning, getting all stressed out because I had to be up at 4:30am. Usually when this happens (it happens a lot in the summer; I have a low heat tolerance) Jay is over on his side, sleeping soundly, or perhaps pretending to ignore my audible sighs and frustrated rolling around. But this night? He rolls over and, without any hint of annoyance, says, "What can I do to help?" I sort of stopped and realized that there was nothing anyone really could do. But the fact that he asked made me feel better. A little while later, I rolled over, still frustrated and awake, and he leaned over to rest his hand on my back. To let me know that he knew I was still awake and couldn't sleep. He knows that one of my biggest frustrations is when I absolutely can't get to sleep, and he is out like a light and seemingly oblivious to it.

That small gesture spoke volumes of how well he knows me, and just how much he cares.

So, anyway. That's the lighter side of things, right? Also, tomorrow is my last day of class. Which makes me happy. And we leave on vacation to visit our families in a couple weeks. Maybe being away from it all for a while will help me get my head on completely straight.


  1. 1. When you're super hot, try running cold water over your feet, then lightly pat dry. It's AMAZING. The fan will work with the cold feet and will keep you cool long enough to sleep.

    2. I'm a little jealous that things are perfect with you and Jay. I feel like I get so resentful when my hubby doesn't do the laundry OR the dishes...But I don't say anything till one day I tell him everything he's done wrong for the past 3 months. It's bad. Maybe in another year we'll be more harmonious. It's just so difficult getting used to living with someone!!

    3. Isn't it interesting how some people are stuck in the past and some people are fixated on the future? I can't stop feeling anxious and anticipating the future, instead of enjoying the journey. It's an issue I've been working on for YEARS.

    Thanks for your continuous honesty. It's seriously great that we have a venue to express ourselves like this, isn't it?

    Also - the steak is okay. I've only had it once, but I've heard it's great. Enjoy. :) (I never really liked meat, so I was able to easily stop eating it!)

  2. Hi lady. I think I've commented on your blog once before, but I just wanted to say I am now a subscriber. You and your blog are too adorable.

    Also, I feel you on the sleep troubles. Just blogged about that yesterday actually. I dream allllll night long. It is so exhausting. Last night I had the pleasure of dreaming about being abducted from a grocery store parking lot by two creepy dudes. Yeah. I'm paranoid too.

  3. I have the same problem of not sleeping when its hot...and my hubby puts off a lot of body heat so that doesn't help at all! I normally get up and drink a little bit of milk...I have no idea why, but it helps.

    It is wonderful when we "click" with our significant others...I wish it happened more often...hopefully it will the older we get.

  4. oh man, this blog was so touching....sweet jay ♥
    Yay for last day of class!!!

  5. aw yay for jay (did not mean to make that rhyme). such a sweet post.

    and i feel ya on the not being content in the moment. my life has been such a whirlwind lately that i just can't keep track of things, it's sort of overwhelming and i'm hoping to slow down and enjoy it all soon.

  6. Not sure if I've ever commented here, but coming out of the woodwork to say hi, and I feel you on the living in the now thing. Ever since I was in college I've been planning the future. First, it was the real job, then the wedding, then the house buying, car buying, planning our next house, planning our family (we haven't started yet). I have the jealous bug too. The green moster is evil and pops out making you jealous of things you didn't realize you might even maybe want until someone else gets them. I feel ya darlin! You are certainly not alone!

    Ok, back into the woodwork ;)

  7. yay to no class!! i just finished my summer class last week and literally skipped out of class when it was over.

    and jay? totally wins best hubby of the month. the hand on the back was so touching and simply sweet.

  8. I completely understand your issue with the heat. When I lived in Texas it was always bearable because we had A/C, but here in NY, I don't even have a window unit. At night, oh my goodness, it is SO HOT! So yeah, I feel ya.

  9. Echo everything that Erin said above.

    Right now I have a combination of baby and house fever, neither of which is going to be resolved any time soon.

    I actually just made a mid year resolution to knock it off and live in the moment. I guess we will both be working on that, so you are not alone!

  10. Hmm- I totally know what you mean about being an emo kid lately. whats up with that? stupid quarter life crisis! grr.

    yeah, i need to be content in the moment/ not jealous either. ack! must work on these things.

    yay for you and jay! that's so nice you guys are just jiving so well together lately! That's such a sweet story about you and Jay! For some reason I felt the need to tell John -- I'm sure he loves hearing all the details of bloggy buddies' lives! hee. And i like that you're scared of homeless men peering in at you! ha!

  11. I related to so much of this! Well, not the part about having a wonderful husband who knows me so well (I might have swooned reading that part), but the part about feeling emo-ish? (Is that a word?) I get that part. Oh, and steak. Dude. I know what you are talking about.

  12. I think it's so hard to be content or know yourself no matter what the situation-- there are times when even I, who really am blessed to be doing exactly what I've always dreamed of, find myself in this place too. Wanting what others have. Wondering if there is more I could be doing. Trying to figure out certain things about myself. But I think the Lord can use these feelings and times in our lives to help us to grow and mature a little bit more each time as we realize what is really important and where our hearts truly lie.
    I hope things come together for you beautifully and you get all you want someday-- I really do. In the meanwhile, I'm so glad to hear of the sweet husband you have to be by your side, and I'll be praying you can enjoy each wonderful thing in your life right now.


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