on thoughts and such...

I feel like there are so many things pulling me in so many different directions. I'm aware this is a constant theme of mine, but it's still on my mind, and I'm an emo kid (sans the emo haircut, thankfully) and need to write it out sometimes.

You know how I roll.

The thing is, I wish I could be more content in the moment. I feel like I'm always looking around the corner for what's next, always eager to reach the next stage. I can't just sit back and bask in the present. Which is odd, because I really never used to be like this. At least, I don't think so. But then, perhaps my perceptions have always been off. Who knows?

There's that, and I also have these weird jealousy pangs lately. All the time. With silly, trivial things. Sometimes, it's things I don't even want. But that I think I want. Or could conceivably want at some point in the future. I'm not sure when I caught the covet-thy-neighbor's-everything bug, but it's certainly alive and kicking right now. And I really hate it. Especially when it makes me feel like an ungrateful little wench.

Because really? In some ways, I do have it all. I need to stop being so ridiculous.

For one thing, I feel like Jay and I have been on the exact same wavelength lately. Isn't it lovely when that happens? That's not to say that under normal circumstances we are at each other's throats. I guess for the last couple weeks things have just been even better than ever. I've been seriously working on my grace, and not jumping down his throat for silly things like leaving an entire bagel's worth of crumbs on the counter in the morning or leaving three pairs of shoes under the coffee table. In turn, he has been helping out alot, and following through on things alot faster without my reminding him constantly. Each little thing moves on to another, and it's like this perfect flow of give and take. After he does these things, I point out how nice of him it was to do, and then I go about cleaning the kitchen and not really minding because, well, he just made me steak for dinner, then took out the ooky garbage without my asking him.

Dude. Steak. There are hardly words. (Sorry, my vegetarian friends. I'm a beast. It's an issue, really.)

Anyway, I guess we've just been perfectly in tune with each other lately. It's the little things that I notice most. The other night, I was trying to get to sleep and it was ridiculously hot in our bedroom, despite both the windows being open, the ceiling fan going on full blast, and another fan pointed directly at me. It was a veritable wind storm in our bedroom, but to no avail. I would have ripped all possible clothing off, had I not been completely paranoid about some homeless man peering into the window while we slept. (I worry about things like this. I'm paranoid.) I was tossing and turning, getting all stressed out because I had to be up at 4:30am. Usually when this happens (it happens a lot in the summer; I have a low heat tolerance) Jay is over on his side, sleeping soundly, or perhaps pretending to ignore my audible sighs and frustrated rolling around. But this night? He rolls over and, without any hint of annoyance, says, "What can I do to help?" I sort of stopped and realized that there was nothing anyone really could do. But the fact that he asked made me feel better. A little while later, I rolled over, still frustrated and awake, and he leaned over to rest his hand on my back. To let me know that he knew I was still awake and couldn't sleep. He knows that one of my biggest frustrations is when I absolutely can't get to sleep, and he is out like a light and seemingly oblivious to it.

That small gesture spoke volumes of how well he knows me, and just how much he cares.

So, anyway. That's the lighter side of things, right? Also, tomorrow is my last day of class. Which makes me happy. And we leave on vacation to visit our families in a couple weeks. Maybe being away from it all for a while will help me get my head on completely straight.