June 17, 2008

on the state of her mind...

For some reason, I still feel like I'm stuck in this silly little rut. A quarter-life-crisis, if you will. It's frustrating because I truly see no grand reason for it. I just don't feel settled most days. My head is just spinning around in circles, and I constantly feel like there is so much more I could be doing. So much more, but it's just out of reach.

I'm so thankful for all I have; it's not for a lack of realizing all I'm blessed with. It's not a matter of wishing I had more, but more along the lines of wishing I was doing more. Or perhaps it's just my desire to be struck with the sudden realization of what it is I'm meant for.

If only it was that easy, right?

When I see stories like this, I foolishly sit there and whine, "Why not meeee! I want to quit my day job! I want to be artsy-craftsy and get paid enough to live off for it! I want to be my own boss! I want the freedom to wear what I want while I work, or to listen to my iPod while I work, or to eat a fudgesicle and dance spontaneously in random circles while I work! Most of all, I want to feel passionate about what I do!" When, in reality, instead of being a whiney-pants, I should be a wee bit more proactive and figure out how I could reach that type of goal.

It's scary, though. It takes alot of planning. And money. And blind hope.

And then what if that's not what I want to do? There are a million things I would like to do. I want to write a novel. I want to be a photographer. I want to design something for Anthropologie so I can get a discount and actually afford things from their store. I want to have some adorable children and learn to cook really well and be a stay-at-home-mom and homeschool my children at the same time. I want to volunteer for a good cause. I want to write articles for magazines. I want to sell things I make to local boutiques and somehow make some money while doing it.

The other day I told my husband that I want to put all our stuff in storage, take the bare necessities, and move to Costa Rica for six months. (Me without a hair straightener; I know, right?) I could take photographs and write. He could make a documentary of our incredible adventure and show it at the film festival. I really want to do that. So incredibly much. Something adventurous and spontaneous and, yes, a little crazy. Because who actually does that? And why not do it?

I'm pretty sure he didn't take me serious. Ah, well.

(And I could, too, live without a hair straightener. I just haven't been challenged before. Really.)

20 comments :

  1. Costa Rica: Do it. Seriously. You guys are young and you're not too terribly tied down, you don't have kids to worry about. NOW IS IT.

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  2. I keep trying to convince my husband to move to Europe and work as waiters - so far he's not going for it....

    I feel like I'm going backward - but my current dream is to be a stay-at-home wife....

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  3. you can do EVERYTHING you just listed. it's just that the list seems so long, it's overwhelming right? pick one, get yourself into a routine, and by the time that seems like something you have to do to complete your day, start something else. take some design and business classes. find a park or a coffee shop where you can go to "get away" and write.

    god, do i know how you feel. i really do. the unsettled, uneasy feeling that just says DO MORE. just put yourself out there, make a few small goals, and good things will start to come, trust me.

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  4. I am experiencing the same feelings as you, honey. The same exact feelings. It's comforting for me to know that I'm not the only one going crazy over here in California. All of your goals & dreams sound so much like mine. We just might be sisters from another mister. ;]

    In all seriousness, as every has said before me, you have the ability to do all of these things. Especially with all the passion you convey in each of your posts. I know for certain that you can do all of these things. & if [when] you do, you will give me that much more inspiration to conquer my own dreams.

    & I swear, I don't read Hallmark cards for fun. ;/ What I just said was extremely corny sounding, but I mean it! Haha!

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  5. omg i feel EXACTLY the same way. EXACTLY. the feeling of being "unsettled" and wanting more. of knowing what i am doing right now isn't right for me, but what i want is so impractical and unrealistic. last month i had a break down and realized i hate doing research and it's making me an unhappy person, and i ended up crying to a doctor for 20 minutes because i just couldnt vocalize everything i felt. then, last week, when i was off work studying for my exam i realized it was the happiest i had been in a long time- being my own boss, planning my own days, being creative and fulfilled, it made me feel complete.
    i think what we are going through is the absolute definition of a quarterlife crisis. you are not alone sister. at least once a week i come up with a new life plan and it usually goes something like this: quit my phd program, open a vegan cafe/ b&b/ volunteer for a women's health/ rights foundation, raise babies, grow a garden, make homemade baby food, write a memoir, get paid to be a blogger/ writer.

    this morning decided it's a big first step for us to at least admit out loud that we are unhappy and want more. i think it's good- it makes us human. we are dynamic, creative, artistic, creative.
    i hope you get everything you want out of your life. like oprah says: follow your passions :)

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  6. i seriously think you should take the costa rica trip. i would love to up and go sometime and forget about everything here. but hey you only live once i say do it, do it, do it :)

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  7. Man. I want everything you wrote about too. After I read this post, I asked my hub if we could move to Costa Rica too -- I kinda asked this as a joke cuz I don't specifically want to go there but I've brought this up to him before ... like, why can't we just join the peace corps and learn to deal without a hair straightener... but then i change my mind and i want a HOUSE instead of my apartment right now. and then i get sad cuz I can't have all the pretty things at Anthropologie and my apartment is a mess and blah blah blah... and then I wonder what the point of life is- I mean, not that I don't love life, it's just that life is so weird sometimes... and then I think that nothing is ever going to happen and I'm going to wake up one day and I'll already be 50 or something. I think I totally need to blog about this topic too. man oh man oh man. Now see what you've gone and done- made me all melodramatic! Hee. just kidding! :) I think you should totally do what your heart is telling you -- GO to costa rica-- I'll live vicariously through you. this is a crazy comment. blah. OK, back to the grind at ye ol office. sorry again if this comment was crazy but I think you're so wonderful and i know you're going to do great things and be the cutest mom one day!

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  8. You need to work for the people I work for. I wear what I want and eat what I want and dance in circles, and the best part is...my boss dances with me!

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  9. It's amazing how alike we are, almost scary, but comforting. I really want to pursue photography and I would love to go to a school like Brooks Institute in CA, but what about my boyfriend, job, family, etc.? It's so confusing and frustrating and exciting all at the same time.

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  10. I think I'm starting to figure out my dissatisfaction lately.. I think it's when you get to this point where you're like What am I going to look forward to?? It used to be graduating college, getting married, etc. Now what? Having babies and buying a house seem so far off and unreachable.

    Go to Costa Rica! I forgot my hair straightener when we went on our honeymoon.. I wore my hair in braids a lot :)

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  11. OOhh my your in the same state of mind as me right now. Absolutely! If I was writing a letter to you right now it would be long!
    I think if you want to you should do something that you want to do. I think the whole being proactive is the hardest bit as I sit in front of my computer and see people doing what they dream and more! It really makes me want to quit my job (I'm only casual anyway so don't get a regular amount of hours).
    I've been trying to do things in little steps like slowly starting each thing. I wanted to get a sponsor child so I did. I wanted to volunteer at a childrens hospital and now I've got an interview for it. I wanted to learn to sew and now I'm enrolled in a sewing course.
    Little steps is what I'm taking....but that's the way I've been doing =)

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  12. Do it! You so should do everything you just said. I would love to able to live without worries...

    But life without a straightener? That's crazy talk, Missy Ma'am.

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  13. I'm always about what I think will make me happy. I tell myself, "I'll be happy when..." Now, I'm married, have a college degree, and am struggling to figure out if I'll really be happy when I have a house/kids/job. Or where the heck happiness lies, anyway.

    Is it elusive? For example: I like to write, but HATE when I'm forced to for work.

    I'm looking for my niche, expecting that one day it'll just click and I'll be insanely happy at my job. Instead of carving out some career for myself, I figure: I'm 23. I'll take it one step at a time and see where my path goes. I'll follow my passions and go forward according to those, not according to some job I'm prepping myself for.

    So, I'm pretty set on taking several courses for a graphic design certificate after next summer. Because I really want to and I can. And we'll see where it goes from there.

    I'm going to start looking a foot in front of me, instead of anticipating years into the future.

    (As far as the international living? I grew up overseas, so I'm all about it! But then you have the what-will-this-do-to-our-finances-and-careers?? question. I want to be less fearless and more adventurous, but for a logical, reasonable girl like me? It's challenging.)

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  14. *that'd be less fearFULL, not fearLESS.

    And, sorry for the post-length comment. Geez.

    You obviously hit a nerve here, as this has been stewing in my mind for the past several months..

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  15. I love reading your blog, because you are able to express things so well. And obviously, judging from all these comments, you have hit upon something that most people feel and struggle with-- myself included. Even though I am so content with my life in the sense that I love being a stay-at-home mom, I still feel like there are so many passions and likes that I want to pursue and acheive, so many things I want to be better at. I'm just not sure how to do it.

    I don't really know you at all, but from what I've read and seen here on your blog, I am quite sure you could do ANY of those things you want to-- I'll be hoping you can find a way to make it work. :)
    Also, I love that you said you want to be a stay-at-mom and homeschool! I can't wait to homeschool my kids.

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  16. Wow I think we are the same person. Amazing.

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  17. wow. THIS is why i love 20SB. seriously, because i could have written this myself, and reading through all the comments above? so coulda lot of other people. i think in this big old world, it's so easy to feel like you're the only one going through something, when in reality... you couldn't be farther from the truth!

    i feel like i'm wasting too much time being responsible. i wanted to grow up too fast, i was 15 planning out my life's path, i never quit a job because it was so important to have that "perfect" resume. now, with the house and bills and quite possibly an engagement looming ahead... i feel like i'm never going to get the chance to just drop everything and go, to hop a plane to costa rica and just live there for a few months because it would make for a hell of a blog post. i still feel like i haven't had my big adventure yet, but i will.

    and you'll find your passion, and there will come a point where you'll be able to love what you do and make a great living from it. (seriously? your etsy shop might be the love of my life.) life holds amazing things for you love, it holds amazing things for all of us.

    i'm kinda holding out though, i think my big adventure is going to be being a wife and a mom. is that strange that's all i've ever really wanted to do? ahhh, well.

    chin up! good things come when you least expect it, and being in your twenties kinda blows sometimes. so much uncertainty, not much of a light at the end of the tunnel.

    yeah, longest comment ever. don't judge. haha. loveeee!!!

    xoxoxo

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  18. You should soooo go to Costa Rica. I think it would be a great experience for the both of you!

    Also you really can do all the things on your list (maybe not all at once) but you can do it!

    I am on the opposite side of you. I am a sahm who homeschools and I can't wait to travel for 6mos at a time.

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  19. Do you think they have yeti-boot wearing girls in Costa Rica? That alone would be a reason to go.
    I tagged you for a meme. :)

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