May 13, 2008

on figuring it all out...

Just when I feel like I'm all grown up, like I have a pretty good idea of who I am, something makes me realize that I'm still in the discovery stage.

Are we always in the discovery stage?

Maybe that's what it is. No matter how well you think you know yourself, there's always something new that comes along that you need to work hard to embrace or improve upon. Or figure out, at that.

I've found that there are weeks where I've foolishly convinced myself that I have it all together, have it all figured out. I feel a warm rush of confidence in myself and what I've accomplished. I feel completely at peace with my place in this world, in my relationships, in my place of work, with the shape of my body. I feel optimistic. (Which, as my husband would say, is rare lately. In the last few years my eternal optimism has given way to a new era of Mrs. Grumpy Pants. He says I'm just negative. I say the real world has jaded me.) But anyway, it's in those moments of confidence that I feel most like myself. It's like I'm in an episode of The Hills, and I have on a new favorite outfit and am driving around with the windows down, and there's a conveniently hip soundtrack playing at all times.

My life set to music.

But then all too often, I'm the opposite. I feel insecure, nervous. I stress out about this whole college thing, am completely discontent in my job, wonder if I should have a more solid five or ten year plan, feel like a completely naggy, terrible wife. I sit in a constant comparison of other girls my age or other married couples and don't think I measure up. I feel chubby. I feel the strain of being so far away from my family and so far away from having the ability to just drive over to see one of my sisters and watch Abbot & Costello movies and eat bagel bites and just completely regroup.

I feel like I'm not at all put together or sure of myself or that I'm even the type of person I want to be.

I guess it's still all me, no matter how I look at it. I just feel like there are so many things I wish I could change about myself sometimes. And at times, especially while I'm doing the things I hate myself for doing, I wonder if I even can change. I feel like I'm a lost cause when I can't even fix something about myself when I'm fully aware of it. Am I just too stubborn? Or just unsure of what I need to do to change?

I know that this is probably all just part of the whole twenty-something anxiety, but I just wish I could feel like I have it all a little more together.

I guess it's just a matter of time.

12 comments :

  1. I think you said it best when you asked 'Are we always in the discovery stage?' I think we are. I think you're completely normal in that you have your confident days as well as your less-than days. I think it's a part of life more than anything; something that will always go on within everybody.

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  2. you are completely not alone. I am going through all the same things. Too bad we don't live closer then we could wallow together in our misery, eat ice cream and complain that no matter how much we run we're not getting anywhere in the healthy department. (at least that's been my routine lately... hmm I wonder if my ice cream is soft enough to scoop yet...)

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  3. Hi Wishcake! I found you on Exposaroonie. I just wanted to stop by and say hi.

    You totally are not alone. I have been feeling quite similar lately and sometimes it just makes me think I'm crazy, but then I come back to reality and realize I'm not.

    BTW...your entry for the self-portrait challenge was quite lovely.

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  4. Its completely normal to doubt yourself - if you didn't then you wouldn't be normal. I've been doing the same thing lately - constantly comparing myself to everyone else - especially other married couples - trying to see if my marriage is anywhere near normal (most of the time I feel that it isn't) - but the more I compare notes with other wives, the more I find out that we are normal. I'm always coming up with "plans" to better myself - be a better wife, be a better citizen/person, be more fit, eat better, be "greener," be better at appearing like I have my crap together - then I end up stressing myself out, getting depressed, and starting the cycle all over again.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're normal and everyone needs to go through self-discover every so often.

    too bad we don't live closer....

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  5. you'll be fine. i don't know if this will actually make you feel better, but my mom is nearly fifty and has still admitted to feeling like that now and again... of course my family uprooted and moved three years ago, so it was a little like starting all over for her. BUT, if she can feel that way now and again, and can still have done the lovely job she did with my brother and i, have accomplished wonderful things at her job, and be able to afford (jointly, with my dad) the house we all currently live in, I think it says something.

    Life isn't easy. If it were, what fun would that be? But you'll make it through.

    If it makes you feel any better, I'm moving to Tennessee, VERY far away from my family, in three or four months, and I don't even have a job down there yet. I'll move even if I don't have a job. How's that for scary?

    :)

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  6. Yeah, we all go through that...it's what we do. On the one had it's pretty amazing though, that we are these creatures so capable of constantly learning and growing and improving. It's so cool...and so scary.

    ;)

    Keep up the good work, you're great.

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  7. yeah i don't think we ever get out of that discovery phase, haha. i think as much as we think we have things figured out, there's always something else for us to do or learn, i think you'll be alright.

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  8. So first... YAY on figuring out to post comments to you here. I just rigged up my old blogger account. :]

    & second, you are not alone Love. I am going through the 20-something anxiety as well. I think we're always in a discovery stage because their is always still so much to learn; about ourselves, about our loved ones, about life. Just wanted to tell you that I have been there.

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  9. Like others have commented-- you are DEF normal-- I totally go through the same thing... being totally in the zone, loving me... and then no knowing who I am exactly or what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Don't worry -- we'll all figure it out eventually. hopefully! Man, nobody warned me the 20s would be like this! ha. I love how you compared the good times to an episode of The Hills.

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  10. Ugh. This is SUCH frustrating stuff.

    At least you can put words on it.

    I feel like some days I am happy, fun, and excited.

    Other days, I'm isolated, lonely, and discontent.

    Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. That's all I can muster up...

    You are most definitely NOT alone, dear.

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  11. I hate you for reminding me about the beauty of the bagel bite. Bagel Bites are not available in South Korea. But thanks for the nostalgia, anyway! Ha.

    And although it's a bit late, I'd like to say that I find it easier for myself (and on myself) when I embrace the discovery/questioning phase. Asking questions of yourself is always more important than finding the answers.

    And the fact that you're digging around inside yourself-that's positive in itself! There are so many who are stagnant and complacent and immobile. I think you are in the good (although perhaps uncomfortable) place of being thoroughly human! And understanding that you will continue to grow and change with every day and every new photo and every new song and every new experience.

    Your writing is beautiful.

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  12. aw you know 10 years = a decade right? i was faced with that question today in an interview... where do you see yourself in 10 years. What? Ack? Total serious meltdown and insecurities crept up. But anyways, think back 10 years? Yeah, probably now, not what you think, you just have to enjoy it day by day, moment by moment.

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