May 4, 2006

on the inside...

To be honest, I've been kind of down lately. And really, there's no good reason - but then, is there ever any good reason for most of what we feel? I guess I just feel lonely. I was a bit upset last night, and my husband was lying there (good sport - and scoring points he didn't even know existed) listening to me whimper on and on. What it came down to, is that I'm nobody's first choice friend. Does that make sense? I think that I'm a fun person, a good friend - but when it comes down to it, no matter who it is that's in my life (other than my husband, thankfully), there's always someone other than me that is more important or...closer to them. I feel over-looked, kind of, and not appreciated.

"What about me? I don't have anyone like that." my husband said.

"Yeah, but it's different for girls," I countered. "And it's unfair to expect all these things from you because you're my husband. I shouldn't make you feel bad when you don't live up to these things that I'm not getting from a female friend. That's not your job."

It is different for girls, you know. I crave intimacy with people - and lately I feel like I don't have it. I'm talking about emotional intimacy, you know? And I think it's the worst when you're close to someone, and then they meet one of your other friends, and the new friend sweeps them away from you and now they're the new pair. I don't know. I hate feeling like I'm replaced, or that I'm second-choice. Maybe it's just me. Doesn't anyone else understand this? I'd just like to have one of those friendships - and it's funny because I've been searching for one my entire life and I've never found that one friend who's always going to be there. Friendships come and go in waves, and people grow into different people. It's kind of tragic for me. And now I feel it more than ever, knowing that just because I see someone once every 2 weeks or so, it doesn't make me important enough to them. And when I do spend time with someone, I can feel myself just diving into it and completely opening up, maybe too much. Hoping that to them, it meant as much as it did to me. Gosh, I sound so insecure. And it's funny because I'm really not.

Maybe it's my fault?

I don't know.

Like I say every day, I miss my sisters. I hate living so far away. And even if they're both so different than me, we're basically different versions of eachother. At the core, we're the exact same thing. One more complacent than the other, one more prideful, one more adventurous, one more simplistic, one more creative. It's the way we've always been. And with those relationships, I know that I can never be replaced or upstaged. I need that, for some reason - I need to know how much I matter to people. Maybe that's my tragic flaw, because it's something in this life that has brought me the most joy and the most pain.

And who knows if I'll ever find someone that fits what I'm looking for. I hate surface relationships. I always want more, to feel a true connection with everyone. So, what am I to do? I think I need to calm down and relax and appreciate all that I have, because I have to much. And life can't be like an episode of Friends, can it?

At least, not every day.


  1. I know this is a very old post for you, and you are not in this state of mind anymore, but I wanted you to know that I feel this same way, and I have for a few years now. I'm asking you as a new blogger... if after a few years of writing do you think writing about all these things has been helpful? I feel like I'm going thru a tough time right now, and was wondering what made it better for you... I really love your posting, you are a very thoughtful writer... and I think you have a real gift!!

  2. It's really fun to read your oldest posts after reading your newest posts. I feel special like I know what's up ahead for past you.


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