April 21, 2006

on the worst things...

Here are, to me, two of the worst things in the world (obviously not worst than poverty and starvation in 3rd world countries, but how can a girl write a blog about that without ruining the keyboard with tears?):

1) Actually having a morning to sleep in, and waking up at 7am.

What. The. Hell. My job schedule has ruined me - me, a girl who would ritualistically sleep in until 10:30am on her days off. (Longer, if it seemed like a good idea at the time.) Yeeeeeah. Upsetting. 4 days out of my 5-day-work-week, I have to get up at 4am (or 4:30am - sans the shower, if I choose the extra half hour of sleep and grubbiness over cleanliness) in order to make it to work at 5:30am. I've become a master of speed-dressing, speed-makeup-application and speed-cereal-eating. Never in my wildest dreams did I figure I could be someone who could possibly be ready to go out the door in a good 25-30 minutes. Go me. And deciding on the shower is always a crap shoot, because who knows if the hot water is going to be in service (for some reason, most times the hot water doesn't work at that hour). So, usually I go for the extra half-hour of sleep. But I guess it's turned me into an early bird, because here I am, at 7:30am, writing a blog. Oh, I'm ruined.

But really, maybe I'd be lying there restless anyway. The gardeners seem to decide that 7:30 is a good time to rev-up the weed whackers. So, it sounds like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre outside my window, anyway. Boooooo.

And what else is fun, is that for the summer I'll most likely only be doing one morning shift a week, and the rest will be mid or closing shifts. No more of this early morning jazz. Oh, how weary my sense of time, sleep, LIFE has become.

2) Feeling like I don't have a best friend.

Now, this is a tricky subject, really. Because I have someone who I say is my best friend, but more and more, I feel like that's not it. We were connected at the hip when we first met, and for about a year thereafter, but now...I guess she's going through what I went through a couple years ago. (That age gap does come in to play, somehow.) She's spreading her wings (ah, yes, I'm so poetic - call me Jewel) and experiencing more in life now. I'm settled, mostly...already there. Not to say I have no more growth to aquire, but I've passed the 18, 19, 20 years. Those are big years for most people, dare I say EVERYone.

So, anyway. I hate having the knowledge that she's keeping a censored view of herself for me. She'll tell me stories, but I have a sinking feeling that she's keeping out what she doesn't want me to hear - because she knows how I feel about certain things. And...is that what a best friend is? A censored view of what they want you to see? Back home, I had a best friend, and it was the same situation. There were certain parts of my life that were off-limits, that I couldn't talk with her about, because I knew she didn't want to hear about them. It really hurt me, to be honest. So, I guess that I'm seeing the same thing happen between my friend now and I, and I hate how false it can be sometimes.

My husband is my 'best friend' - I could consider him that in a heartbeat. But every girl still needs that female confidant that she can always call up, that will tell her everything about everything. You know. There are things that Jay just plain isn't interested in. I ask him what he thinks of my becoming a brunette:

Pause. "Ummm. I don't know, you look beautiful both ways. It doesn't matter to me."

As much as I am glowing in delight, I'd love for him to come out with something more like:

"You know what? You look great as a blonde, but maybe go for some darker lowlights. Then you'll have more of an idea of what you'd look like darker. That would be a nice change, wouldn't it?"

And right there is the problem with relying on him to be my best (girl) friend. Poor guy couldn't possibly live up to that. He's doing his job as my hubby just fine, and I should hardly make him feel like there's all this extra girl-stuff expected of him. And quite frankly, when it came down to it, if he was giving me a speech on 'low-lights' I may be concerned about him anyway...

I guess it's times like this when I miss my sisters most. Growing up with an older sister, and a younger sister (and two much-younger sisters later on), you have this connection that you can't find with anyone else. As much as we were at odds at some points, at this time in our lives, we all get along pretty well. I can honestly bear my soul to both of these girls and they'll do the same. I miss being able to sit with them, face-to-face, and just talk. I really need them right now, and it hurts to be so far away. I'm just feeling so...unimportant to most people these days. I'm a friend to most, but it seems as though there's always someone else they'll turn to, instead of me. There's always a 'better' friend. It's nothing I can control, but it still makes me feel rather alone sometimes.

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