on a recent engagement shoot...

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to meet up with the lovely Brittany to shoot some engagement photos with her and her fiance Adam. Brittany contacted me a while back about engagement photos, and I figured it was the perfect chance for me to start working on my photography portfolio. I've been wanting to take more chances and, in turn, accept more photography jobs here and there, and I was so flattered (and giddy!) when she asked me to take their photos.

And, honestly? It was such a wonderful afternoon. Brittany is one of the sweetest girls I've met, and I'm basically in love with her and her fiance. Is that weird? Well, guess what? I DON'T CARE. I'd like to see anyone meet them and not want to beg them to move next door. Honestly.

Anyway, I had a lovely time wandering along the beach with these two. We ended up running through a few mud puddles, being judged by an old hippie surfer guy, giggling at another couple positioned in slightly inappropriate poses for their engagement photos and falling in love with a wee child who I pretty much wanted to kidnap (or maybe just borrow).

Here are some of my favorite photos from our hour-or-so of shooting:

How cute are they together? So adorable. I'm pretty sure I could just make a living out of taking engagement photos because being around people who are all in love kind of makes my life complete.

The above photo is one of my favorites! I adore quirky photos like this. Also, isn't her dress the cutest? Pretty much right after I met her I was all, "Gah! I love your dress? American Eagle, right?" Seriously, I've been in love with it forever! (I'm glad she didn't judge me for being all intense about the sundress.)

Yes, her eyes are naturally that blue. Unfair, right? I know. It's generally upsetting.

I've decided that I really need to start actively pursuing this whole photography thing. And although I'm always nervous before taking photos for people, I always end up being so proud of what I come up with. I feel like I'm slowly developing my own style and my own way of looking through the lens. It feels so incredible to have more confidence in myself.

And I'm realizing that I never seem to regret taking a step out of my comfort zone. It's kind of amazing.

on our annivegasversary...

For the record, it took me a full ten minutes to zip up that dress. I'm all, "WHAT. How does this not fit anymore? ZIP IT, JAY! ZIP IT UP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY. And, for the record? MY LIFE IS OVER AHHHHH." And Jay was all, "Okay, it's zipped. But I think you have some back cleavage." And then I cried a little bit.

Anyway.

Jay and I were lucky enough to have our own mini-weekend this past week, in order to celebrate our four year anniversary! We spend three whole days together, which was pretty much the most refreshing thing ever. Our schedules have been very scattered the past several weeks, and I haven't been able to have much time with him at all. I can't tell you how giddy I was when we got into my car to start the drive to Las Vegas on Wednesday. I almost couldn't handle my excitement as I shimmied around in my seat and busted open the celebratory bag of white cheddar popcorn.

You should all know by now that I'm willing to find any excuse to eat white cheddar popcorn, right? Right.

Anyway, we spent two nights in Las Vegas - and despite losing pretty much all our gambling money, it was such a wonderful trip. I can't even explain how light my heart was the whole time. There's just something about being away from everything, just Jay and I. And there will always be something about Las Vegas, because that is the place we first said, "I love you". I always get this ridiculously melty feeling when we are driving to Vegas. It makes me want to listen to the entire August and Everything After album by Counting Crows - which is, of course, the CD we listened to during that first trip, over five years ago.

Every time I hear any song from that album, I'm basically 20 again. Don't you love how that is, sometimes? I love when music can take me back to a specific place in my life.

Has it really been five years since we fell in love? And four years since we were married? We've reached the point where I honestly can't imagine my life without Jay, but at the same time, I still feel like I'm the same 20-year-old girl who fell in love with a guy after dating for only a few weeks. It kind of seems like the last several years have just flown by.

In any case, our few days away were exactly what we both needed. It felt good to just run around with him until 3AM with no cares in the world. To eat too much and drink too much and laugh all night long. We took in a comedy show and had a fancy dinner, complete with tiny desserts and some fruity sake. He was the one to reach for my hand as we walked, which made me smile more than I have in a while.

I'm so thankful to have been married to my perfect fit for the past four years. I wonder if there could ever be a time when I ever tire of this wonderful man. Probably not.

on a photo and some words...

"What if funky, confusing, gray, lonely days were just part of a "system" that, in turn, created bright, rich, happy, friendly days? What if they were just meant to give deeper elements of your creativity a rest? What if they were deliberately crafted holidays, of a sort, devised by your inner psyche to relieve you from the pressure of artificial expectations?

Would you still bemoan them, wonder what's wrong with you, or fear that they'll never end?

Or, would they kind of tickle you pink?"

- The Universe [via Notes from the Universe]

on some current thoughts...

Lately I've been feeling a little bit lost.

It's odd, because I fluctuate between knowing exactly what I want to do and then second guessing myself. Between complete and utter bliss and then comparing my life too much to someone else's. Between feeling right on track and then feeling completely left behind. Between feeling ridiculously confident and then feeling embarrassed or insecure. I'd say that I'm happy but just a little confused. And I guess that right now I'm trying to focus on taking my life one day at a time - trying to appreciate the moments and the people who mean the most to me.

I haven't had much motivation to do anything truly creative lately (writing, crafts, photography) which may be the cause of some of my mixed up feelings. It's odd, because my creativity comes in waves. I'm either completely overflowing with so many new ideas that I find it difficult to get to sleep at night - or I'm in a complete and utter funk.

I've kept busy with everything else: sneaking in hours here and there with my husband (our work schedules haven't been the best for spending time together), enjoying a weekend in San Francisco with some of the loveliest girls I know (laughing almost constantly for three days straight), managing to get through workdays, making time to exercise and begin a cleanse, cleaning and organizing, connecting with my family as much as I can - and so on and so forth. I've also been trying my hardest to take as much "me time" as possible. I've learned that I'm able to find much more peace within myself when I take the time to just be alone. Some people need a calendar filled with many activities to feel like they're truly fulfilled - but as for me? I need time by myself in order to have those same feelings.

I've been doing a lot of wondering about what it is I should do with my life. Isn't that always the question? "What should I do with my life?" It's so frustrating when I feel like I'm wasting so many hours doing something that isn't at all my passion. Maybe it's finally catching up with me - all those emotions of simply wanting to follow my heart and lead a passionate, artistic, joyful and fulfilling professional life. And as much as I know what direction I want to go in, I still feel a little stuck.

It's like I'm looking in every direction, knowing where I need to end up but simply not knowing which way I should take to get there. It's overwhelming, I guess. And that's when the second-guessing comes in and I start thinking, "What if I fail?"

I am so ridiculously blessed, and I hate wasting time on negative or worried thoughts - but I guess sometimes I just can't help it.

To be honest, so much of me wishes it were more widely accepted for people to take huge risks and to be a little "irresponsible" every now and then. I'd love to drop everything, kidnap my husband and just travel for several months. I'd love to not think about all the silly things that the world deems so important. I'd love to connect more with myself, with my spiritual side, with my adventurous side, with my childlike side. I'd love to not worry about wearing make-up or whether or not I need to lose a few pounds - to simply not have to look in the mirror for a while. I'd love to be somewhere that I can look up at night and see the stars, where I can breathe fresh air, where things are safer and all I have to worry about is existing and learning and loving and enjoying.

I get kind of fed up with everything else that distracts me from those things.

I'm sure I sound a little silly, but that's okay. These are just things that have been occupying my thoughts these days and it feels good to have it all written out. It makes me feel like I'm beginning to figure them out, I guess.

on being a hermit and stuff like that...

I'm slowly but surely returning from my self-imposed blogging sabbatical - short as it was.

On a side note, I must admit that I realized just how closely my thoughts and tweets are almost completely synchronized. Mostly because I stayed away from it all week - and while it was freeing, it was also slightly maddening. I found it difficult to not immediately type out every emotion. I was all, "But who else am I going to tell about eating an entire box of spiral macaroni and cheese? Or about how my calves are becoming strikingly toned, whereas my belly remains the consistency of a marshmallow? Or about how I had another one of those traumatic dreams where my teeth fall out and it was so realistic that I had to check my molars in the mirror when I woke up?"

Mostly, it was nice to cater to my hermit-like tendencies and just crawl inside my head for a week. I'm the type of person who thrives while alone. Odd, right? It's a good thing I got married, because if too much time had passed I'm fairly sure I would end up alone in the woods somewhere. (Well, as long as the woods had internet access and was within ten miles of a Target.) I guess that when I have time completely by myself, I'm able to connect with my thoughts more. And see things with a clear mind. As much as I adore writing and the social aspect of blogging, there were a few things going on this past week that rendered me completely apathetic to it all. But I'm glad that I listened to myself and simply took a break. It was refreshing.

And it gave me some time to reevaluate things, too. Which is good.

The week itself was filled with watching a bunch of movies, cleaning, falling in love with First Aid Kit and City and Colour, adding a few new items to the shop, many phone calls with a sister, the usual shifts at work (opposite schedule than my husband had this week, which was tough), a ridiculously sweet care package that made me giddy, an entire day spent at home being emo, several amazing runs (one was three miles!) that made me feel like a superhero, several glasses of wine, more tears than I'm proud of, worry that made me break into a thousand tiny bits and love that swallowed me whole.

Yes, indeed. It was quite the week.

In any case, I'm back. And ready to rediscover a bit of goodness and hope. All while keeping my chin up.