on our cozy, little bedroom...

If you had told me a few years ago that we'd be living in our one-bedroom duplex with a baby, I wouldn't have believed you. Well, maybe the baby part (mostly because I had "the fever" throughout most of our marriage), but not the still-in-the-duplex part. After we found out we had a wee one on the way, our first inclination was to scramble to find a larger place. Initially, the thought of the baby not having their own room seemed ridiculous. A baby needs their own nursery, right? We figured there was just no way to fit all the baby stuff into our already-full place.

However, after a certain point, we kind of looked at each other and were like, "Why don't we just...stay?" After we started talking about it, it began to make more sense. We didn't really want to pay more than we were already paying in rent (and if you know anything about Southern California, renting a two-bedroom place somewhere you won't be chopped to bits in your sleep is ridiculously expensive). Also, the more I talked with other parents about it, the more I realized that many babies don't even sleep in their own rooms for quite some time after they're born.

So, it was decided. We'd stay.

We began moving things around…transferring some of our less-used belongings to the garage. I downsized my clothes so that they fit into my side of the closet and just two drawers, and Jay even parted ways with a few bags of items from his gargantuan wardrobe (no, really—the man literally has four times the amount of clothes I do).

Slowly, but surely, our one-bedroom duplex started to feel a bit more baby-ready. Our bedroom—which had previously also held our large computer desk—was now filled mainly with our bed, a changing table, a nightstand, and a crib. And it didn't even seem claustrophobic. It seemed like a miracle, and I was thrilled.

I'm constantly seeing these stunning nurseries online that give me heart palpitations due to their gorgeousness—and, to be honest, up until now I have been too intimidated to share Eisley's "nursery" space with the online world. There was so much more I wanted to do with it! Photo collages! A mobile! Handmade things! Stuff to impress everyone!

But then I took a step back and realized that I was being ridiculous. It is what it is, and every time I walk into our bedroom it makes me happy. It's our room. It's where we enjoyed our first days with Eisley. It's where I've spent sleepless nights and cheerful mornings. It's not fancy or perfectly coordinated, and doesn't fit in a magazine, but it is exactly what we need right now. It took me a while, but I realized that I'm quite proud of the space we've created for our little peanut. So, I thought it was time to buck up and share it with you. I also hope to show that it is, indeed, possible to have a baby in a one-bedroom place!

Here is a little tour:

When you walk in the door to our bedroom, this is what you see! I love that the sunlight fills the room during the afternoon. So warm and cozy. I also like that our above-the-nightstand collage is reflected in the mirror above the changing table.

If you're standing in the corner of the room, this is the view. I zoomed out a bit with my camera lens, but this sort of gives you an idea of the size of the space we had to work with—and we're lucky, really, to have a good-sized bedroom! We're able to fit quite a bit into it. (Also, can you see the wee one, trying to take a book off the shelf? Sneaky little nugget.) Here are a few notes on her side of the room:

• Eisley's crib and changing table are a hand-me-down from Jay's Aunt and Uncle. They're in perfect condition and I adore them so!
• I use a couple of the drawers in the changing table for my clothes, and we are able to store diapers, blankets and other items in bins (from Ikea) under the crib.
• The metal "e" above the crib was purchased from a thrift sale, and the frame around it is actually an old frame I took apart and was going to throw away (until I realized how perfect it was to reuse!).
• The framed "La Vie en Rose" print is from Sycamore Street Press.
• Her adorable tulip bedding was purchased on super-clearance from Target!
• A white-noise machine is resting on top of the heating unit. It's a must-have for where we live (since there is constant traffic noise) and it also helps her nap without hearing what is going on in the rest of our tiny duplex.

In the corner, we have room to store a laundry basket, a Diaper Genie (which is a must-have for the small space!), and a few other items (like extra wipes and some nursing necessities).

Here's a close-up of a little inspiration board I put together for Eisley! It includes the following items:

• A flower (this was actually taken off a gift bag and was also used on a makeshift headband from this photo!).
• A sweet mini-print from Persimmon and Pink.
• A print that was given to me from a friend.
• One of Eisley's ultrasound photos.
• A vintage-style calendar page from the month she was born, and a cute list sheet that I had every intention of writing something witty on (we'll see if that ever happens).
• A few magnets, Eisley's ankle "bracelet" from the hospital, and a porcelain bird.

The changing station features her fluffy changing pad, a few diapers, an Ikea lamp, and some hand-sanitizer (I refill the cute dispenser with stuff I buy at the dollar store!). I made the paper banner from the pages of a paper catalog (I loved the bright pattern) and a couple pieces of ephemera. The hanging cloth bag was an adorable (handmade!) baby shower gift from a sweet friend.

NUGGET BABY! Sorry, I got distracted for a second. When you turn left from the changing table, you'll see all this goodness. Literally everything (except a few knick knacks on the shelf) is from Ikea. Ikea, Ikea, Ikea, amen.

I've come to really love "our" side of the room. I love the collage above the nightstand. I love the "breathe" wall adornment (purchased from Oh Dier). I love our mustard-colored curtains. I love the fact that I can charge my iPod on our nightstand for those late-night nursing sessions (during which I must check twitter and get all riled up by the shenanigans on the BabyCenter message boards).

So, there you have it! We managed to cram everything we really need into this room (as well as the closet and drawers just outside our bedroom). Contrary to popular belief, a family of three can actually fit into a one-bedroom duplex without going absolutely crazy.

That's not to say I don't dream of having a nursery to decorate someday. But I kind of love the cozy situation we have going on right now. And for that I am thankful.

[Image frame via irocksowhat.com!]

on month five...

I'm once again a wee bit behind on Eisley's monthly post, but I'm just going to go with it. (Also, these photoshoots are getting increasingly difficult as she rolls around and is what I like to call "squirmy jones". Hence the second photo where she looks like a baked potato. Can't win 'em all.) She'll be six months in two weeks (arghhh!), and all she's learned in the past ten days alone just blows my mind. Yesterday I told Jay that I couldn't believe she was almost twelve, and he seemed to think I was getting a ahead of myself. Hmmm.

But let's back up a bit and focus on good ol' month five!

Our daily routine has become much more solid, which is fantastic. I love having an idea of when she'll be napping or when she'll be hungry, and so on and so forth. We never quite recovered from the 4-month sleep regression, and nighttime has been tricky. She typically wakes up at least twice between 8PM and 8AM. Usually it's three times, and she eats every time. I'm just thankful, thankful, thankful that I don't have to work right now because I would need a caffeine IV drip.

Here are a few of my favorite things from her fifth month:

• We're still holding on to those size 1-2 diapers, because we have about a hundred left. This is especially dangerous whenever I decide to drive somewhere more than a mile away. (As I've mentioned to a couple of my other mommy friends, nothing says classy like changing a diaper in the Dollar Store parking lot.) Note to self: When buying diapers at Costco, ALWAYS go up a size. Amen.
• She's still wearing 3-month clothes, but considering most of her leggings are now capris, we may be venturing into 6-month territory very soon.
• Her favorite toys: a tiny plastic seahorse, the remote control, stackable cups, a spatula, a freezable teether, and a bright yellow tube of mascara. She also likes falling asleep to her glowy, musical seahorse friend—and has figured out how to tap it enough to turn it on!
• She apparently enjoys watching football as much as Jay. Who knew?
• When she wakes up in the morning, she has rolled from her belly to her back, and is usually a bundle of pure bliss—giggling and rolling around with her stuffed animals.
• So many spit bubbles! She loves blowing "raspberries".
• Our Maya Wrap is the greatest thing ever. I wear it whenever we're shopping, and she's absolutely content the entire time. It's magic! Get one!
• Although she seems a bit wary of strangers, she is quick to warm up. She is fine being passed around from person to person, and doesn't seem to "miss" me yet. Perhaps now would be a good time for Jay and I to go on our first post-baby date?
• She loves when we let her "walk" around the room while holding onto our fingers. Her steps are so coordinated now, and it makes her look so grown up! Gah!
• I let her gnaw on apple slices every now and again. Which is pretty cute, if I do say so myself.
• Although nights are sometimes rough, she is always an incredible napper, taking at least three a day. I'm so thankful for that!

Also, as of almost two weeks ago, we have a mover! Or leapfrog. Or something. (Since this video was taken, she now roams all over the room, which is just crazy. I'm so proud of my little nugget!)

aaaaand we have a mover! from wishcake on Vimeo.

on all those emotions...

I've been trying to write this post for a while now, but it just wasn't coming together. I'm usually most comfortable spilling out my thoughts onto paper (or, in this case, my blog)—but, somehow, this has been harder to do. I figured that I should still try, as I always seem to feel a bit lighter after writing.

So, here we are.

When I was at the hospital after having Eisley, I was struggling to get my high blood pressure under control, which led to me staying there for a couple extra days. I remember being so eager to just go home with my husband and daughter, and begin our life as a little family. (I was also eager to get off of the magnesium medication that was turning me into a zombie. I remember feeling so drained that I ate breakfast with my eyes closed one morning, and could hardly lift my arm to hold a spoon. But that's a story for another time.) I voiced my eagerness to get home to one of my nurses, to which she replied, "Oh, believe me. Once you get home you'll be wishing you had more time at the hospital where you had so much extra help!"

Truth be told, once we did finally arrive home, those first days were magic. I found it easier than it was at the hospital—mostly because I wasn't hooked up to a bunch of machines, but also because I finally felt like my life as a mom had truly begun. It was, of course, a lot to handle. Sleepless nights and frustrations with breastfeeding were certainly challenging, but I didn't feel like I was in over my head. I felt okay. Each day brought new confidence and new moments that made my soul dance a little bit. It was good. And it helped that my parents were there to offer encouragement and advice, and Jay was able to take a month away from work to help us settle into our new life.

Even when Jay had to go back to work, I felt okay. A little scared the first couple weeks, but okay.

It wasn't until Eisley was a couple months old that I started feeling a bit more anxious than usual. Eisley was no longer a new-newborn, and that's when I started to put entirely too much pressure on myself. I had taken my homebody-ness to new level, and didn't really go out much. I knew I had to venture out, but it was just…overwhelming. Not normal overwhelming, either. I had this weird social-anxiety, all of a sudden. The very thought of having to go out made me freak out a little bit.

I remember the first time I went to the post office, my heart was racing out of my chest. Eisley was quiet and sweet, and didn't even make a peep, but I could hardly keep it together. Standing in line, I was all, "People can totally hear my heartbeat right now. Fantastic." Having a simple conversation with the friendly postal worker made me feel awkward, and my I'm sure I looked like I'd consumed entirely too much caffeine with the jittery way I was acting.

For the past few months, even simple tasks have seemed ridiculously overwhelming. Emails, phone calls, friendly meet-ups, simple errands, tasks I usually enjoy. Having more than regular day-to-day "mom stuff" on my daily to-do list would make me ridiculously tense, and when I didn't mark everything off at the end of the day I felt like I had to add the uncompleted items to the next day's schedule…and so on, and so forth. I was constantly plagued with thoughts of, "I WILL NEVER BE CAUGHT UP. I AM NOT DOING ENOUGH. I AM FAILING."

I've also struggled a lot with guilt. Unnecessary guilt, but still. It's there, even when I try to fight it. I'm thankful to be able to stay at home with Eisley, and not have to work. This is something that Jay and I agreed upon, but I still feel like I'm not pulling my weight unless I do absolutely everything that I think should be accomplished each day. It's crushing sometimes. There's this mean voice in the back of my head that's saying, "You don't deserve to stay at home. You're not doing enough. Do more, and then you can justify your new way of life."

What's odd is the fact that I fully realize my expectations are way too high, and I can't even really define what "doing it all" would entail. But there is always this lingering thought that I'm not pulling enough weight in order to "deserve" to be a stay at home mom. So, instead of always relishing in these day-to-day moments I share with my daughter, there are times I let that guilt overshadow what should be moments of joy.

And whenever people asked me, "So, how are you doing?" I couldn't really say, "I made frozen fish sticks for dinner last night, so I feel like a failure as a wife. And how are you doing?"

One thing I find rather unfortunate is the lack of addressing this thing called postpartum anxiety. Doctors and baby books have endless information on postpartum depression (as they should), but I hadn't even heard of postpartum anxiety until someone shared this post with me. I've always known what I was feeling wasn't depression. I was incredibly lucky to not experience any typical "baby blues" after the wee one arrived. I was rarely weepy and never felt hopeless; it was more like I was in a constant state of hyperactivity and restlessness. And I knew what I was going through couldn't possibly just all be in my head.

Reading about postpartum anxiety made it a lot more clear. Racing thoughts (um, hello, this is my life), inability to just stop moving and relax (Jay is always like, "Why can't you just watch this movie without getting up and doing a hundred other things?!"), constant worry (constant, yo), sleeplessness (due to those good ol' racing thoughts), irrational fear of awful things happening to your baby (things that couldn't even possibly happen, like her falling out of the car on the freeway). It felt good to just…know that it was something. It wasn't just me. If that makes any sense.

Most of this is written in past tense, because in the past couple weeks I've felt like my head is much more clear. I never went to the doctor, never took medication, was never diagnosed with anything…but I feel confident in saying that I struggled with postpartum anxiety on some level. I still slip into guilt-mode more than I'd like to admit, and most days I feel at least a little overwhelmed by all I want/need to accomplish. But it's not consuming, like it was before.

At this point, I just want to feel like I'm completely and entirely living, and enjoying where my life has taken me. Not dreading and worrying and comparing and feeling needlessly frustrated with anything and everything. I feel good knowing that many of the things I struggled with are starting to fade.

I'm realizing that baby steps are still steps, and they definitely count. I'm embracing imperfection. I'm learning to give myself a lot more credit.

And also allowing myself to just be still. Because that's just as important as anything else.

on a wordless Wednesday...

on a little shop update...

Embossed banner gift tags (set of 10): $4.00

Rosette headbands (3 colors available!): $12.00

Yarn wreath, butter & teal: $25.00

Yarn wreath, purple & teal: $25.00

Felt wallets (3 colors available!): $16.75

I've also added a limited quantity of made-to-order eisley necklaces and earrings, so feel free to take a gander! For the next few weeks I'm going to be busting a move over here, and hope to have more items/colors to choose from within the next few weeks...

Coming soon: New notecard and gift tag designs, baby headbands, rosette brooches, ruffled felt wallets, and new jewelry styles. Here's to crafty, crafty nap-times! Hurrah!